***WARNING!  BAD LANGUAGE!***  Sorry, it's stress, and--no--I can't help it!...Haven't written in a while...been trying to wrap up this damned project @ work...I am still happy to be working, and everyone is still being very nice, but I still don't know what the hell I'm doing, and the extra help the supers brought in for me--although excellent--made me think that we have more ?'s, here, than answers and solutions on the project...the boss took me into his office, yesterday, and told me that while I was doing a terrific, thorough job, I was taking wayy tooo loooong to finish the project...should've been done in 2 weeks...guess what?  I've been 4 mo. on the thing, and every time we went through redline changes, I saw more things that weren't up to what looked like any conceivable building code...which I can't "really" look up, btw, as you have to buy county building codes, here, or pay for a copy...it's over $150.00 & since the co. was 3 days away fr. having their power cut off, you KNOW they weren't going to be paying for anything like that...but, I digress...I left this meeting feeling very haunted, even though the boss blamed himself for:  not being there to truly help and oversee my "progress," due to working another full-time job; trying to transition "the company move," still going on fr. the other old building (which the co. is still having to pay rent on, btw) and just being too busy in "the shop," building electrical panels--their best paying sideline--to pay too much attention to the details of what I was going through...still, I got the distinct impression that I made the co. "look bad" because I was too detail-oriented, slow and overly-thorough...again, he reassured me that I didn't have to be so precise, as he had a pro that was going to go over the architecture pkg. and redline it, himself, to make sure that it would be up to code...so why didn't they just hand the project over to that guy, from the beginning?  I told them long before they formally hired me, that all I had done previously was "rocks-and-dirt" work...Earlier, I had gone home and discussed this issue w/the family....since the co. doesn't have a true contract on this job--even though the co. had won the bid--I wasn't even able to check the "specifications" of the contract against what I was drafting on the computer...and since the co. wasn't rich enough to pay for a copy of the county building codes, I was/am building this thing--albeit w/good help--in the total dark.  My mom copped to the fact that while the co. may have won the bid, something's being done under the table...maybe, the client is demanding to see something up-front--on paper--concerning the project, first, before the client goes any further in shelling out payments for the "design" from their grant money...that would explain why there was a lack of bucks in hiring a pro architect to just whip the thing up in 2 weeks, in the first place..plus, the fact that there weren't any specs. on paper for me to work with, from the beginning....I'm just so green about the real business world...trust Mom to figure it out, before anyone else...and, trust me to wind up costing the co. more $ in the long run, trying to do things the "right" way...So...why should this depress me, you ask...'cause it all has a very familiar "nose" about it...all my life, the outside working world has told me that I'm too slow and that I'm a slow learner and that I cost too much money/time/effort because I'm too detail-oriented.  Well, I don't know how else to try and do something right, especially if it's something that I've never done, before...and the few times I tried to do things like "everyone else," I dug a grave for myself and fell in it--I got caught out, trying to do things the "slipshod way," as I was told...and, when you've been unemployed for almost 3 years, you sure as hell aren't going to leave any stone unturned, trying to do a new job...But in my last job--in spite of the fact that it was technically-oriented--I was always having to defend myself on the carpet for having these poor "work" qualities...I think that's why I gave up back then, trying to explain myself, and just spent hours and hours of unpaid overtime, making sure that my part of the work on a project didn't run out of $ and time, so I couldn't be held accountable as part of any "project problem."  It also didn't take me long to realize that--like Las Vegas--managers and owners are absolutely fascinated with the prospect of the golden "miracle bandaid":  any worker, or team that can beat the odds of prospective failure and make treasure out of any dunghill situation, so that a company goes soaring into the stratosphere..."be cheap and look good," I used to call it...Managers and gamblers, everywhere, I have news for you:  GET A BRAIN.  Unless your miracle worker/employee/team are the Second Coming on a diamond bicycle, IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!  Just get used to it and accept it...'cause, if you want things done "perfectly," you are going to have to learn to do that, yourself...Still, I can't say that to a boss, when he's very truly--and uncomfortably--apologizing for both of us, right in front of my face...but, I should've...it would've made me feel better, of course...as it was, I left with mixed feelings and a be-deviled sense of gloom-and-doom...I'd been in this goddamned movie, before, and all I wanted, this time around, was to get off of the fucking celluloid, hide behind the glass and run the projector, in peace and privacy...So, the punchline?  Later, he comes by the worktable in the plotter room and actually takes a look at my cover sheet for the project, lights his face up and says, "Oh, wow...that really is great...that looks good."  And, he smiles...it's like he's seen "the miracle."And, I'm asking myself, "What the hell else was the thing going to look like, after 4 mo. of me 'nursemaiding' it?  Like crap?  Not on my watch!  Do I look like a 'crap' type of person?  Do I?  Why must my shortcomings always come from shitty, hackneyed situations where I have no fucking control over things?  Aaaargh!  Grrrr!  Jesus-Christ-in-the-Morning, give me a fucking break!  Goddamnit, all to hell!"Of course, I just smile wanly, thank him warmly and pray to God that I can just get this bloody fucking thing over with...still later, I took a lunch break on the Tickle website and re-checked my spiritual meter...yep, my seventh chakra is still in overdrive and headed for a crash...So, today, w/o fail, I put up 9 sets of chaser-lights in the front yard, and finished just as the sun was setting...had I been able to use a step-ladder, I could've gotten the lights up a lot higher in the trees (Dad's much better at that sort of thing), but--as it was--I got something done that I enjoyed, at least...and, I took my time and did it my way, w/o worrying about any "project appearances"...Still, it's Christmas:  sis is cheerful, but indifferent...Mom feels she's coming down w/another virus and is sick to death of Christmas ads (can't blame her, there--who isn't?)...Dad--whom Mom bullied into an actual dr. appt.., btw--got a great checkup, but is depressed, anyway, and had avoided anything 'Holiday'......Shitty, hackneyed situations, anyone? (sigh)