update
The hard part about all of this is having to live here in the middle of this emotional upheaval from my wife. Right now, she is pretty calm, talking to her bf on the phone but when she came back from the lawyers yesterday, she was very upset.
Her lawyer told her I am entitled to 1/2 of everthing! Half the irs, half the car, half the house, and I could force her to pay me alimoney for the next 8 years, (I am sure she told him she was supporting me which is false) . plus, he told her if I wanted a lawyer, she would have to pay for that too!
So she needs to find $1000 to begin the divorce process and I know she hasn't got it unless she sells something from her collection, which will be difficult for her to do. All that stuff means alot to her.
We both went for a two mile walk yesterday and I told her I have noticed a big change in her! Before her bf came along, sex was out of the question. She had a big problem keeping stress out of the bedroom so as life went on and her stress level increased, sex became more and more rare because everything had to be perfect for her to enjoy it. And of course, life isn't perfect so there you have it. Now she is realizing that sex can be a good stress reliever and is enjoying it much more then she ever has.
Before we walked, she said she still wanted the divorce but after the walk she never mentioned it again.
I think what she really wants is the both of us. She wants him for sex and she wants me around to fix things when they break because apparently, her bf doesn't have a mechanical aptitude like I do. Just yesterday, I replaced the headlight in the car and a few days ago changed the oil. I do all that stuff myself because it saves money, even brake jobs and tuneups and more complicated stuff. I am sort of a back yard mechanic.
I would like to be living somewhere else so she can see what it's like to be alone but the truth is, I want this divorce now as much as she does but I don't want to come up empty handed. She said her lawyer wants to talk to me at some point so I am ready for him, armed with the knowledge that you guys have my back, and the skills I saw my dad use during his 50 years as a business man and having to dicker on many or the deals he made!
Her lawyer told her I am entitled to 1/2 of everthing! Half the irs, half the car, half the house, and I could force her to pay me alimoney for the next 8 years, (I am sure she told him she was supporting me which is false) . plus, he told her if I wanted a lawyer, she would have to pay for that too!
So she needs to find $1000 to begin the divorce process and I know she hasn't got it unless she sells something from her collection, which will be difficult for her to do. All that stuff means alot to her.
We both went for a two mile walk yesterday and I told her I have noticed a big change in her! Before her bf came along, sex was out of the question. She had a big problem keeping stress out of the bedroom so as life went on and her stress level increased, sex became more and more rare because everything had to be perfect for her to enjoy it. And of course, life isn't perfect so there you have it. Now she is realizing that sex can be a good stress reliever and is enjoying it much more then she ever has.
Before we walked, she said she still wanted the divorce but after the walk she never mentioned it again.
I think what she really wants is the both of us. She wants him for sex and she wants me around to fix things when they break because apparently, her bf doesn't have a mechanical aptitude like I do. Just yesterday, I replaced the headlight in the car and a few days ago changed the oil. I do all that stuff myself because it saves money, even brake jobs and tuneups and more complicated stuff. I am sort of a back yard mechanic.
I would like to be living somewhere else so she can see what it's like to be alone but the truth is, I want this divorce now as much as she does but I don't want to come up empty handed. She said her lawyer wants to talk to me at some point so I am ready for him, armed with the knowledge that you guys have my back, and the skills I saw my dad use during his 50 years as a business man and having to dicker on many or the deals he made!
Replies
Do NOT talk to her lawyer. Her lawyer IS ON HER SIDE. You need legal representation no matter how hard it might be to find the money. EVERYTHING you say to her lawyer can be used against you. You cannot talk to him.
jill
The best thing i read here was that you want the divorce now too. You\'re a really great guy Bob. All this will be really hard but i think you\'re wise in ending the marriage.
Second best thing was what Jill said. I think you\'d be wise to take her seriously. Talking to her lawyer doesn\'t sound good to me. I was like you in that i would do things like that because, to me, i was helping the process by getting things done, negotiated,talked through, moving forward but with a contentious spouse such as yours\' and mine, forget it...that;s like stepping in to a shark tank and thinking you\'ll be ok because you don\'t mean any harm to the shark, soooo everything will be fine, uh no.
I agree that you shouldn\'t talk directly with her lawyer. Because she has a lawyer you may need to find one too, or at least just handle it through the courts. Perhaps you can talk with your wife and just say you don\'t feel comfortable talking directly with her lawyer. Divorce is not a race - taking some time with figuring it all out is ok and I think helps both people involved.
In my case neither my ex nor I had lawyers. We used the family law self help centers at our county court. This saved a lot of money. There a court filing costs and things like that - but compared to lawyer fees these are much much cheaper. Initially we just did this process individually. The people at the self-help desk help you to understand the court process, and how to complete all the paperwork properly. They\'ll explain what a particular form means/does and etc. After doing it I found that it actually wasn\'t that hard of an administrative process. The main thing was just keeping all the documents organized, asking questions, and staying up to date with it all. The instructions and forms etc. were all available for download on-line from the court website. I had to go down to the court about 7 or 8 times in total. For our first court settlement hearing my ex couldn\'t go because she had just started a new job. I was nervous about it but I went. It turned out to be fine. I explained to the judge that my ex couldn\'t be there due to her new job. He agreed that that was important and a good reason - so he suggested a 2 month extension of time for our next settlement hearing. By the 2nd hearing we had completed some of the other necessary paperwork and we were able to complete the final divorce agreement then.
At first the process made my head spin. After going through it, it seemed much simpler than I had initially built it up to be in my mind. It was maybe a little like doing taxes or something like that. My ex and I periodically discussed things along the way and we each had a pretty good idea of what we would agree to keeping and giving up prior to writing the final agreement. I basically wrote out the final agreement since my ex is somewhat ADD - she read through it and it was pretty much what we had been discussing prior - so she was ok with it. I kept stressing that I wanted things to be fair, and that I wanted her situation and mine to both be sustainable. In total - from the time she filed for divorce to our final agreement took about 9-10 months. It can be done faster but since we were doing it ourselves, and there are a lot of emotions involved I think some added time actually helped to allow things to be resolved well in the end.
Arem I initially was going to do that myself, I even downloaded the necessary paperwork and paid the $5 for one of the forms I needed from the court clerk. I got stuck on one of the questions which was the book and page number of where our deed is filed at the registry of deeds. I didn\'t know how to get that info without driving the 60 miles to get to the registry and looking it up myself so I just left it there and asked wify to think about how she wanted to divide things up and she flew off the handle again and said she would see a lawyer and do things herself so I dropped it. But yes I know you can save a ton of money doing it urself. Thanks.
Jill, I am not going to sign anything until I get a chance to talk about it with someone thats on my side. Thanks. I know you are right.
Monte, yes I know you are right so I am going to take alot of time so I can sift through everything with a fine tooth comb. I don\'t want my good nature to be taken advantage of. I won\'t be able to live with myself if I do. Thanks for the compliments too!