update
My wife is at her lawyer's office as I write this. Her hormones are all over the place these last couple of days, going from crying to fits of rage, back to the "woe is me" and back to anger again. Menopause sucks and I am glad I am not a woman.
I also think some of this is exacerbated by the fact that she has to drive by the cemetary on her way home from work and they are digging her brother's grave, at the moment. She mentioned that to me last night. He died in winter but they will be burying him on the 18th, I believe it is. I have consoled her and told her repeatedly there is absolutely nothing she could have done that would have kept him alive! His problems were far deeper then any of us could imagine! Don't look back and don't feel guilty about it. I mentioned counseling but she doesn't want to hear of it. What's a man to do?
I also think some of this is exacerbated by the fact that she has to drive by the cemetary on her way home from work and they are digging her brother's grave, at the moment. She mentioned that to me last night. He died in winter but they will be burying him on the 18th, I believe it is. I have consoled her and told her repeatedly there is absolutely nothing she could have done that would have kept him alive! His problems were far deeper then any of us could imagine! Don't look back and don't feel guilty about it. I mentioned counseling but she doesn't want to hear of it. What's a man to do?
Replies
Are you sure it\'s menopause and not just her? Some women have a difficult time with menopause, some don\'t have any problems (I went through it like nothing, the only down side to it for me was hot flashes and night sweats). Whether it is menopause or not, she has no right to treat you the way she does, you deserve to be treated with respect.
Instead of counseling, what about asking her to go to an emotional support group for family survivors of suicide.. The funeral home or your church may be able to get her in touch with a group.. Offer to go with her to the first meeting..
leather, her dr told her that her hormones were way out of balance. He checked them but declined to give her hormone therapy due to the cancer risks.
Ms thats a good idea and I will mention that to her. Thankyou both.
Honestly, I liked the hot flashes. I thought they were way cool (no pun intended). It\'s amazing what the body and brain do! Her world is crashing (by her own design, in the case of your marriage); her brother died (apparently not from natural causes?), she\'s struggling. She does need counseling, probably medication also. But you can\'t do that for her. She\'s a big girl. Also, there are natural remedies for hot flashes. Easy to Google them and I hear they work. Hormone replacement is too dangerous. Given the situation, I applaud you for your empathy, compassion and moral fiber. You\'re quite the guy.
jill
It sounds like a tough time all around Bob. Very sorry to hear.
Sounds like your wife is maybe simply overwhelmed? ...Losing a close family member, divorce, and starting a new relationship all together is a lot for anyone. Sorry that she seems to be taking that stress out on you. She will have to process through all of that for herself.
You don\'t deserve her taking things out on you. You\'re being very supportive, and understanding considering the situation. I doesn\'t seem like she is being supportive to you at all. Probably the opposite - she\'s creating more stress and strife for you.
Sorry, I don\'t have any magic solutions but maybe just try to focus on yourself as much as you can? Try to be kind, patient, and forgiving to yourself. Try to get some space when you can. Get out for a walk, or visit some friends, or take a class, or exercise - whatever can create some open healthy mental space away from the immediate stress.
Not sure it will help, but what I learned in my situation is I could neither explain or control my ex\'s actions. I also discovered that I didn\'t want to waste my mental energy on hypothesizing why she did something or not. This just wasted my mental energy which I really needed myself to figure out my own situation. I eventually just tried to only manage the interactions I had to have with her for the interests of my kids and/or myself. I started to take a sort of business like approach with her. Tried to just deal with the facts. Tried to be concise, and not make any assumptions or accusations etc. that I didn\'t know for sure. I also tried to not judge her, or put her on the defensive if it was something that only concerned her. I tried to control my reactions to things she did or didn\'t do. If it concerned my kids or me then I would try to be really clear and objective in what I wanted and felt was fair in the situation. It\'s not fun, and it took plenty of effort, but that approach did eventually work.
Things are much better now, and I hope they will be for you too eventually. It takes time.
Thankyou Jill! I wish my wife thought the same way you do.
Arem, I was a social science major back in the day so I always try to understand the reasons behind someone\'s behavior but I seldom know what to do about it so thats why I rely you you and others to help me out and I couldn\'t be in a better place that is free then right here with those who can identify with me. Thankyou very much and Jill also.
Hey hun..
idk what else i cud say but to just give her some time..time to go thru this.
We sometimes as pple just need to go through some things you know :)
She will find find her bearing..just do be there for her if u can :)
Thankyou Silent, thats what I figure. Anger isn\'t a part of my mental makeup. You may be right. hugs