update
This might be a trigger to some of you because there is some extremely personal stuff in here so please beware and please be kind.
My wife got a letter in the mailbox several months ago and when I saw the return address I knew who it was from. She had mentioned the name to me from time to time, even tried to find him online saying she just wanted to know if he was married and had a family and how he was doing. But she never could find him. He was her first love before me but he pressured her to get married and she wasn't ready for marriage. She was still in her teens. So he left for the service and when he returned home he would call her from time to time but her mom liked me and use to tell him she is happy and not to bother her. So we dated for a long time and got married. We both worked at very stressful jobs and she always had difficulty leaving that stress out of the bedroom. Everything had to be perfect for her to enjoy sex and so of course our sex life declined over the years, as her stress level grew and grew, I had difficulty living in a marriage with little or no sex because I have a very high libido so I turned to drugs and drinking to numb myself from the unfulfilling life I was living and I turned to internet chat rooms to get my rocks off. She caught me one day and what little sex I was getting went down to nothing. My drug and alcohol consumption increased until it almost killed me. I spent 3 days in the hospital with renal failure but luckily, doctors were able to get my kidneys working again. I went through rehab after that, plus counseling and now I go to weekly 12 step meetings and have worked very hard to become a better person. I have been clean and sober now going on 5 years. I know I was not an angel and I made some bad decicions in my life and I dealt with my problems in the wrong way.
I looked at the letter in my hands and I saw that it had the wrong address on it. It just so happens that our mail woman who is retiring in a few short months, knew her very well so delivered the letter to the right address. Had it arrived on a saturday, the replacement mailman would have stamped it "return to sender"! So I am thinking that it must be fate. I am thinking that I need to complete the process and do the right thing and give this letter to her. So I did and she was all excited. She called him up on the phone and they talked from 6 in the morning until midnight and I didn't say anything to her at first because she had just lost her younger brother to suicide and had taken it extremely hard so I figured she needed all the support she could get. After about a month he came up to visit her and she spent 3 days and 3 nights with him and had a difficult time saying goodbye to him. He lives in conneticut and had to go back to work. While she was with him she called me up and asked me for the divorce. When she came home she told me it was the best sex she ever had in her life. I was devastated to say the least. So I have been working on the divorce papers myself since we can't afford an attorney and she thought I was dragging my feet on it so she went ahead and called a lawyer and that actually made me smile because she doesn't want to have to give up anything but the lawyer will tell her otherwise. Thats the way it stands at this point. I have a dr appt next week because I am going to get myself checked for std. We continue to have sex despite the newfound love she has for him. She has lost alot of weight and seems to consider herself some type of sex goddess frequently telling me she can satisfy two men like that's something to be proud of! It's almost like a feel good drug to her. It seems like she wants to numb herself from the pain of her Bro's death by indulging in something that makes her feel good much like a drug addict does. Sex has become her drug of choice it seems. Thankyou for your support and ty for reading this.
My wife got a letter in the mailbox several months ago and when I saw the return address I knew who it was from. She had mentioned the name to me from time to time, even tried to find him online saying she just wanted to know if he was married and had a family and how he was doing. But she never could find him. He was her first love before me but he pressured her to get married and she wasn't ready for marriage. She was still in her teens. So he left for the service and when he returned home he would call her from time to time but her mom liked me and use to tell him she is happy and not to bother her. So we dated for a long time and got married. We both worked at very stressful jobs and she always had difficulty leaving that stress out of the bedroom. Everything had to be perfect for her to enjoy sex and so of course our sex life declined over the years, as her stress level grew and grew, I had difficulty living in a marriage with little or no sex because I have a very high libido so I turned to drugs and drinking to numb myself from the unfulfilling life I was living and I turned to internet chat rooms to get my rocks off. She caught me one day and what little sex I was getting went down to nothing. My drug and alcohol consumption increased until it almost killed me. I spent 3 days in the hospital with renal failure but luckily, doctors were able to get my kidneys working again. I went through rehab after that, plus counseling and now I go to weekly 12 step meetings and have worked very hard to become a better person. I have been clean and sober now going on 5 years. I know I was not an angel and I made some bad decicions in my life and I dealt with my problems in the wrong way.
I looked at the letter in my hands and I saw that it had the wrong address on it. It just so happens that our mail woman who is retiring in a few short months, knew her very well so delivered the letter to the right address. Had it arrived on a saturday, the replacement mailman would have stamped it "return to sender"! So I am thinking that it must be fate. I am thinking that I need to complete the process and do the right thing and give this letter to her. So I did and she was all excited. She called him up on the phone and they talked from 6 in the morning until midnight and I didn't say anything to her at first because she had just lost her younger brother to suicide and had taken it extremely hard so I figured she needed all the support she could get. After about a month he came up to visit her and she spent 3 days and 3 nights with him and had a difficult time saying goodbye to him. He lives in conneticut and had to go back to work. While she was with him she called me up and asked me for the divorce. When she came home she told me it was the best sex she ever had in her life. I was devastated to say the least. So I have been working on the divorce papers myself since we can't afford an attorney and she thought I was dragging my feet on it so she went ahead and called a lawyer and that actually made me smile because she doesn't want to have to give up anything but the lawyer will tell her otherwise. Thats the way it stands at this point. I have a dr appt next week because I am going to get myself checked for std. We continue to have sex despite the newfound love she has for him. She has lost alot of weight and seems to consider herself some type of sex goddess frequently telling me she can satisfy two men like that's something to be proud of! It's almost like a feel good drug to her. It seems like she wants to numb herself from the pain of her Bro's death by indulging in something that makes her feel good much like a drug addict does. Sex has become her drug of choice it seems. Thankyou for your support and ty for reading this.
Replies
So sorry you\'re going through all this Bob. Glad to hear you\'re getting checked out for STDs and hope you\'re using protection. Is having sex with her something you want to do or something you\'re just doing? Since she seems to tell you everything else about her sexapades with the OM, does she tell him that you and her are still sexually active with each other?
Bob, the \"grass is always greener on the other side\". A cliche because it\'s sadly true. Your wife is doing what she has to do, whatever the reasons and none of those reasons are \"good\" but you are accepting what\'s going on. I give her very little hope of finding happiness with this guy given the circumstances in her life, and her attitude, but then ... I can\'t make predictions. Who knows, maybe they deserve each other. From a woman\'s standpoint, I can tell you that marital infidelity is a serious thing, very different from when men do it (from my vantage point as a woman!) None of this is your fault. You absolutely need your own lawyer - not negotiable. Protect yourself. And good to check for std\'s, you never know. Find a therapist. You need to sort this all out. \"No sex\" in a marriage (as you report) is unconscionable, in my opinion. You\'ve already paid a price. Find some support.
Jill
Leather no, she lies to him about the sex. He is under the impression that we no longer have sex.
Jill she has confessed to me some things that she doesn\'t like about this guy but not sure if she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear since we have to live together. Thankyou both for your comments. They mean alot to me.
Bob, somehow we\'re only given as much as we can handle. You have already got through some huge trials in life. It\'s like the negative things in your life are being driven away by another force...leaving you hurting of course because this isn\'t by your choice...but you\'ve kicked addiction, alcohol and now you\'re being rid of an unhappy marriage. It\'s like the world is helping you to be on a path to a much better place. It feels to me like life will be better for you soon. Just continue to do the right thing (like you have) and all will be well. Hugs
Thanks Monte. I had that thought in the back of my mind because my AA sponser tells me repeated, there is always something good that comes out of every bad situation. Sometimes you don\'t see it right away. I know he is right and it often seems like someone I can\'t see is pulling some strings to make things happen a certain way for my future happiness and benefit but it\'s getting to that points that\'s the hard part. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when it was all over with but it\'s obviously not gonna happen that way. But I see your point and thanks for reminding me of that.!
Yea and actually the pain and suffering of it, is an important part of the learning.
I\'m really glad to hear that you have this sponser near you to remind you of these things too. You\'re lucky, some people have to bump and fumble along without support.
I\'m reading a book right now that claims there are absolutely NO coinsidences in life. Every choice you\'ve ever made, every thought you\'ve ever had, every step you\'ve ever taken brought you to this place by design (by your own design) even though you might not even be aware of it.
The good news is that this is all good news for you cuz you\'re a good guy and you deserve a good life ! Sending hugs :)
thankyou monte
Hey Bob sorry to hear what you going through, but it actually does sound like you are really on top of it. Even though I\'m sure it hurts you sound very aware of the situation and it really sounds like your approach and attitude towards it are quite healthy. It\'s great that your getting support and I agree with montana and your sponsor that eventually better things will come from this added trial of life. What I especially like is that you\'ve learned not to blame everything on or overly judge your STBX. It\'s clear that you still have compassion towards her, and it\'s best that you\'re taking the open and honest approach with her. Giving her the letter was the right things to do and that shows the strength of your character - well done! Hang in there. I believe you will eventually come out of this happier, healthier, and stronger. Wish you well!
sorry for the typos - wish DS had an editing feature after you post ; )
Sorry for the pain your going through right now. You are a strong person to be reaching out and not running to the comfort of addiction. This will make you stronger in the long run. Wish you the best.
Thankyou Arem, I don\'t worry about little things like typos, your response means alot to me. Since I stopped drinking and drugging, I have always tried to do the right thing even if it meant, I would have to suffer some emotional pain. I still make mistakes now and then but I try to think before I act or react which is something I didn\'t do when I was younger and immature. It use to be whichever way the wind was blowing, that\'s where I went, which got me in alot of trouble at times.
Lucy, I don\'t feel strong. Cognitively, I know I am doing the right things but emotionally, I am a bundle of nerves and my stomach is tied in knots at times as a result. But thanks for your support.
Hun i dont wanna say this but I will be glad when she has moved on out of ur life..
It seems mabe her first was her meant to be but u have a meant to be somewhere out there.
We at Ds r so proud of u for ur sobriety and ur will to stay strong
U can do it Bob :)
Thankyou Silent! Your words of encouragement along with the others is what keeps me going, otherwise I would have thrown in the towel alot sooner then now.
hugs!
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
omg i am so sorry youa re going through this. you should really stop having sex with her. it\'s awful what she is doing to you. stay strong...... hugs