Today is my daughter's third birthday.  It was a nice day.  I took her to the scince center and then DH and I as well as another family we are friends with went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner.  I held my friend's newborn most of the time thinking that I should be gaving my own newborn too in 5 months.  It's difficult that even on good days which should be very happy, JR (the nickname we gave the baby) is always in my thoughts.  I really want my daughter to have a brother or sister.  I think back to April when I first found out I was pregnant and remember how selfish I was.  When I found out my due date was December 28th, my biggest fear was that I would be in the hospital for Christmas and not be home with my daughter.  The baby's health and the possibility of loosing it was not even in my thoughts.  When I went for my first ultra sound my stomach was already starting to show and it did not for my daughter at almost 9 weeks and again my biggest concern was that I was not having twins because we could not afford two babies at once.  I felt like if I saw one baby all would be good.  Well, I did see one baby and all was not good.  Never once did the thought "I hope the baby has a heart beat" enter my mind.  Now I feel so selfish because I worried about stupid things.  Not only do I not have twins, I have nothing and no Christmas baby.  God how I see things in a differnt light now.