thinking...

why is it that I always think so much of my baby... every day she is never far from my thoughts, what she would have looked like, how different life would be right now if she was with us, how I still seem to be stuck on 'neutral' rather than going ahead.
In actual fact I actually feel like I went backwards and I am now in neutral with no where to go. when I got pregnant, I felt like I had finally achieved the last goal I had set my self and that finally after all these years it was time to start looking ahead and planning for a new chapter in my life... how sad how it all suddenly came to an end.
I now feel like I am back where I was almost a year ago, directionless, waiting, hoping, praying... and at the same time dreading.
Every single day I dread the future, a future which could see me childless, could devastate me in a single second. what if I can't get pregnant again? what if none of my embies survive the thaw? where will that lead??? I don't think we can afford to have another fresh cycle this year, my work is still up in the air and DH's will be up in the air as well come December... its so frightening, I am getting older, the stats are starting to stck against us, I wish I had done this sooner. This could be the greatest regreat of my life and oh boy what a regret to have!
so I sit here and daily type away on my computer, attempting to decant all that goes thorugh my head, all the pain, all the insecurity, all the emptiness, the hopes and the dreams but I am left with everyday is the fear... fear of failing, fear of the it may never be.
I would give anything for a magic ball right now, anythng that will show me the future... I feel like a blind person gropping my way forward, never knowing when or where there may be a pit which I may fall into and never come out of...