I found a cool site for jokes and I must admit laughing felt really good. It made me forget about the stressful situations I have to deal with.  I'm sharing my love of jokes with a new friend who really needs something to laugh about. Its weird, but I feel guilty when People are hurting.  Its like I take on other peoples problems and their pain. I spend all my time trying to help others.  then I end up neglecting myself.  But, I realized that even if helping people is stressing me out because I take everything to heart and make everyones problems my own I feel that helping people also helps me. I feel like I have a purpose. Its sad that When it comes to living my own life Im a failure but helping people feel better or get pass their problems makes my life a little less pathetic.  Earlier today I almost lost it at work. Can you imagine crying in front of a bunch of kids and having them ask you whats wrong. Making them feel bad makes you feel worse then you witdraw and get quiet and then your co-workers starts asking you if you took your meds.  Sometime times I wish I never told anyone about my depression.  I thought If I told them that they would let me work and leave me alone.  But no, I get looks of ( Is she really sick?)  ( She just wants attention) ( She's just lazy) whatever.  I remember the day I was diagnosed.  They did all sorts of test and blood work and when they told me that I was completely healthy and that they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me I actually started crying. Who cries when they hear that their healthy?  When they told me that I had clinical (major) depression I actually wished for a life threatening illness as if that would make things better. Better people think I could be fatal, cause depression to me seemed like something I should be able to snap out of but Its hard and No matter how much I try I don't seem to be improving. At least if I was physically sick I could get medical help and get better. But why can't I get better?  They say it's because I focus on the negative. I find that the negative focuses on me. They say I should get out more i'm just being lazy.  UH, NO! they say if I wanted to get better I could and would.  Not so! I do want to get better and I do try . I take my meds on time and everyday and everyday I'm just me, existing and watching my life pass me by while I cry over the things I wish I could've and should've done differently. I feel I should be more active in my "recovery" but I don't seem to want to get out of bed.  Like a robot I go to work, slide by and go home to my Isolation. It comforts me. My dream life is better than my reality so I wish to stay there always.  But I can't send myself there,  wouldn't mind getting a free trip though. I don't believe in taking ones life but I often wish for death.  I just want it all to stop.! I feel myself slipping even as I am writing. I think I should watch something funny or read another joke.  Its a fix, like my drug. I feel better for a while but when the laughter stops I'm alone again.  Even in a crowded room.......