6 weeks today
It's been 6 weeks today sweetheart. I spent the last couple of days shredding bills and paperwork and boy there's a lot of it. I feel like I'm shredding our life away although I realize it has to be done.
Remember I bought that new video camera last spring? I'd forgotten that I'd used it to film us when we went hiking up north and sitting by the lake and I watched it the other night. I don't know if it was a bad idea or not because watching you walk in front of me and beside me while we were both joking around made me smile and made me feel so empty at the same time.
All I have left of our 33 years together is some pictures and about 45 minutes of video. It really brought home how lonely I am and will be without you. Today I couldn't take the dog out for a walk. I just can't bring myself to go out today. If I could I'd just stay under the covers and not get out of bed today but things have to be done. As the weather warms it reminds me that our plans died along with you.
My only plan now is to try and get through each day and hope it doesn't drag out too long. I've heard people say there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything they want. Well they're welcome to my day because my days are much longer than I want them to be. I love you so much sweetheart and nothing will ever be the same without you.
My love always, Mike.
Remember I bought that new video camera last spring? I'd forgotten that I'd used it to film us when we went hiking up north and sitting by the lake and I watched it the other night. I don't know if it was a bad idea or not because watching you walk in front of me and beside me while we were both joking around made me smile and made me feel so empty at the same time.
All I have left of our 33 years together is some pictures and about 45 minutes of video. It really brought home how lonely I am and will be without you. Today I couldn't take the dog out for a walk. I just can't bring myself to go out today. If I could I'd just stay under the covers and not get out of bed today but things have to be done. As the weather warms it reminds me that our plans died along with you.
My only plan now is to try and get through each day and hope it doesn't drag out too long. I've heard people say there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything they want. Well they're welcome to my day because my days are much longer than I want them to be. I love you so much sweetheart and nothing will ever be the same without you.
My love always, Mike.
Replies
Mike, I agree the days are so long and nothing is the same. Things that use to bring me joy only remind me how much I miss him and how alone I am. I am glad you have that video. I wish I had a video of Larry to watch. I hope and pray we have some joy in our lives again some day. Hugs Lu Ann
Mike,
I too am struggling with the hours. I seem to have lost my purpose in life. It\'s hard and it sucks. But everyday I get up and try to find some kind of life. Hang in there - I just know it has to get easier.. maybe with the warm weather coming?
Linda
Such a terrible time and place to be. I know you can\'t believe it now but one day the colour will return to your world. The bad times will continue to come but won\'t come as often or last as long when they do. And you will know you will come out the otherside just because you have so many times before. The pain seems unbearable and everything seems pointless. This will be the hardest thing you\'ve done in your life and it gets worse before it gets better. But you can\'t go back or go around it. You have to go thru it. Somedays you won\'t even be able to take that babystep forward. You will have to crawl digging yourself forward by your fingernails with a mouth full of dirt. But one day you will find a memory brings a smile rather than a tear. That you feel blessed for all you had rather than cursed for all you\'ve lost. I know you feel disconnected from everyone but your family. But force yourself a little to keep contact with those who genuinely care . Another widow gave me this advice. She told me not to keep saying no because people would assume I didn\'t want or need them in my life and when I was ready they might be gone. But also just keep in touch with those who bring you comfort and peace. Avoid the vampires. Force yourself to get outdoors and walk. It will bring you peace and help you deal with some of that awful anxiety. Cry all you want. It is healing and I found crying to the point of exhaustion was one of the best ways to release the pain. Journal. Pray. Throw things. Scream. Curse. Vent. Read the journals of those further along to help you believe that while you will never truly get over it you will learn to live with it . And good days will outnumber bad days. I\'m so sorry for your loss and your pain.