(6) My Diary '26th October 2016'

26th October 2016 I wrote;

((( I'm worried for when I go back to England. I hate the thought. We made it so I was definately coming back, to be with you, my love. They're not going to understand me. They simply won't get that I'd rather not talk about all thats happened. I'm not looking forward to it. The thought of going back makes me cry. I've done nothing but cry all morning. It's the same routine every night. I Googled anxiety. Yes, I don't have it. I'm just looking for an excuse. But I'm serious when I cry about the uncertainty of whats to come. I've never cried over that. I was so safe in your arms. I wish you could hear my thoughts baby. I miss you so MUCH. I'm angry. I'm crying. I'm trying to be quiet. 08:21am. Your housemate is getting ready for work. I can tell this isn't going to be one of those things that blow over. I'm sick, lost and lonely at the thought of you. Gone.

I'm struggling to capture how I feel. My words are blunt and cold. I'm tired. And my brain is talking faster than I can write. Life isn't appealing to me. Whenever I think about you and I tackling something together, I cry. And when I'm in public and unable to cry, my brain cries. I'm scared at how good I am at hiding my emotions infront of people. Some would call it a blessing. I'm not sure anymore. I don't want to do anything I'll regret but I don't know what to do with my thoughs. No one appeals to me. There isn't a single person I want to talk to about this, but you. )))

Hi again. Have you ever had a plan? A plan that was set for your near future? A plan you discussed with your one true love or someone very close to you? Then have you had that plan ripped away from you unexpectedly? Have them ripped away from you unexpectedly? Because they were the plan. Or has that plan, over a short period of time just disappeared? Like it was never thought about in the first place? How did you deal with it? Because in this diary writing, I remember feeling so upset about the plans me and my love made for our future together. Things only we'd know. They were no longer going to happen. We planned such a beautiful future. A house and kids. We spoke about marriage, things my family have no idea I would like to do. Things I only dreamed about before. It was the first time I wasn't thinking about 'What the fuck am I going to do with my life?' I had him. He made me feel so safe and free. I was so damn confident. Unrecognisable. We were beautiful. All of that is gone. I feel like a pile of ash slowly whisping away, bits at a time in the gentle breeze. I feel completely disheartened. I no longer feel safe and free, confident or beautiful. I feel demolished. Upset. Anchored to heavy thoughts. Thinking about my future now just isn't the same. I feel played. I feel like happiness was waiting for someone like me, to laugh at. I had it all, it was too good to be true. 

I can't picture my future at all anymore. It's all negative. People ask me what am I doing with my life. I'm literally doing nothing. Is that so hard to believe? Just because I'm 20.. you expect me to be full of ideas, you expect me not to have a care in the world. You expect me to know nothing about life yet as I have not lived it. Small minded people. Everyone thinks they've had it the worst. Some people struggle from a young age, just because it isn't your struggle doesn't mean it isn't real. I'm getting off track. Not that I knew what I was going to type in this journal anyway. 'Playing it by ear' I literally don't have a single clue what I'm doing anymore. I'm going to stop this here as I just need time to space out a little. Or maybe a lot. Binural beats. Ludovico Einaudi.

Thanks ~