6 months

Friday marked 6 months since Dina has died. This is mind blowing. She has now been gone 2 months longer than she was in the hospital, which seems impossible. Life has not been remotely the same since April 11th but sadly it has moved forward. And I say sadly because she is not here to move forward with us. I’m very happy that my daughter and I have been able to move forward. It is what she would have wanted. And I would have wanted the same had the roles been reversed. But in a way this brings up guilty feelings. Why have I been able to move forward so easily? Why have I not had the crippling grief that I know so many others have/still suffer from? Why are my harder moments becoming less and less? I know everyone grieves differently and that it is supposed to work this way, meaning it should begin to get easier as time passes, but it still doesn’t feel right for that to actually be happening. I think there are a couple factors in this. First and foremost is our now 3.5 year old daughter. She needs me now more than ever so I have no choice but to be there for her, which means moving forward and living. And Dina lives on in her. I think the second major factor is that I thought I was going to lose Dina on December 15th when this whole ordeal started. I had already started thinking about the life I’m living now on that day. Thankfully it did not happen that day but I have actually been living this life since that day. She wasn’t home. It was all me all the time. Sadly Dina’s death did not really change that. I saw her every day during that time but in the end I was home at night without her. And doing the morning routine without her. We had the dangling carrot of an expected full recovery, and she appeared to be well on her way in that regard, but in a way her death did not feel sudden. She had been so sick for so long that it almost wasn’t surprising that something was finally too much for her. She fought so hard without complaint, despite her pessimistic view on the expected outcome, and provided so much inspiration for so many but in the end the final fight was too much for her. I will never forget her final day, with my head resting on hers as she passed away surrounded by a room overflowing with loved ones and tears. It’s hard not to think about. But at the same time I know I need to look forward as well. I’m surprised with where I am now 6 months after that day. I like to think that she continues to give me the strength I need to do this. 
Dina – I will continue to think about you every day and will love you always.