It's been a long time since I wrote a journal, though I've been hanging around the forums, feeling blessed and encouraged by a lot of what I've seen and read.
I've been in weekly IC for several weeks now, and I just came from this week's session. It helped me wrestle through some issues that I've been dewing with for the last several days.
My GF has progressed to the point where she can actually make the occasional joke about what happened. She still takes it seriously, she's still hurt by it , and there are still many nights where I stay up talking through her feelings with her. However, over all, she's moving past it. I can't. I can go for a while without thinking about it, but then something on TV or a book I'm reading will come on and I can't hold back the self-loathing. But there's been some progress with that, both with IC and a lot of self-reflection. I can't undo what happened. I can't change it. There will be consequences for it, many of which I've already suffered/am suffering. However, I need to learn to accept the love and forgiveness that my GF extended to me. She doesn't hate me. So I have to forgive myself. I hurt her. If SHE has forgiven me, what right to I have to not try to move on myself? Nothing good can come from self-loathing.
One day at a time.
I've been in weekly IC for several weeks now, and I just came from this week's session. It helped me wrestle through some issues that I've been dewing with for the last several days.
My GF has progressed to the point where she can actually make the occasional joke about what happened. She still takes it seriously, she's still hurt by it , and there are still many nights where I stay up talking through her feelings with her. However, over all, she's moving past it. I can't. I can go for a while without thinking about it, but then something on TV or a book I'm reading will come on and I can't hold back the self-loathing. But there's been some progress with that, both with IC and a lot of self-reflection. I can't undo what happened. I can't change it. There will be consequences for it, many of which I've already suffered/am suffering. However, I need to learn to accept the love and forgiveness that my GF extended to me. She doesn't hate me. So I have to forgive myself. I hurt her. If SHE has forgiven me, what right to I have to not try to move on myself? Nothing good can come from self-loathing.
One day at a time.
Replies
Need, nice to hear that you are doing well.
It is a great sign that your GF has forgiven you.
Big hugs.
I can relate to what you are saying here. That is one of the hardest parts, I think, dealing with our own feelings about ourselves. We have to go through the stages of grief as well. The final one is acceptance and that is a hard place to get to. I\'ve used the word reconcile. It\'s hard to reconcile ourselves, who we know we are, with what we did. Time, patience, and work. We\'ll get there one day at a time.