My GF left for home yesterday evening. She'll leave for Europe in August, and I hope to go out and see her one time until then. It was a difficult goodbye. As much as we're both trying to move past it, what I did is still very much in the background for both of us. Little things can bring it roaring back up to the surface. Yesterday, we found out that one of my professors has an inappropriate relationship with one of his students, and that set my GF off. She was concerned with what would happen when I go to grad school and start teaching students of my own.
She doesn't understand why I cheated. I don't understand it myself, not fully. It's the lack of understanding that leads to the difficulty. We can understand that I'm sorry, that I will never do it again, that I want to do whatever it takes to build a new relationship with my GF, but at the end of the day, there's an uncertainty as to why I cheated that becomes the 800 lb monster in the room. I can see certain symptoms of why I did it: sexual repression, too much indulgence of fantasy, my GF having grown distant, my not having felt supported, me liking my ego getting stroked, my being drunk...but none of these seems to be THE underlying cause. There's very much a "where do we go from here?" feeling to it. I want to know what the cause is, so that i can "kill" it. I know that the desire to cheat will come back. Hell, in some ways, it's already back, in small ways that I can easily quash, for now. I want to have something to permanently kill/clearly identify, so that I can keep a definite watch on it and prevent this from happening again.
My family and friends are a mixture of helpful and supremely unhelpful. My best friend and accountability partner is very good about the whole thing. He takes the perspective that what I did is in the past, what matters now is changing for the future, growing in wisdom, grace, and faith to ensure that it doesn't happen again. My father is also very supportive, able to give me encouragement without feeling the need to dwell on what i did, or needing to remind me that what I did was sinful and wrong. Unfortunately, my mum is the opposite. She means well, but feels the need to constantly remind me that she thinks my GF was within her rights to dump me, and how much what I did sucked and what a betrayal it was, etc. I know mum means to be encouraging and supportive, but she ends up focusing way more on the negative, which I just find nothing short of unhelpful, and even discouraging. I like being grounded: I know that I need to keep in mind the greatness and awfulness of what I did. But I don't want to be reminded of it every time I talk to someone about it. This general mix of reactions is what's having me keep it on the down low, for now. I don't think it's anyone's business, really, and I have enough people here to support me. I may let a couple more people know, people who are close to both of us and who can support both of us, but for now, I think I'll keep it to myself.
One day at a time. I can't keep thinking about how what I did was awful. I need to accept the consequences in the here and now, and try to both give my GF what she needs, and mold myself so that I can give myself what I need: to be a better, stronger man.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."-Psalm 103
She doesn't understand why I cheated. I don't understand it myself, not fully. It's the lack of understanding that leads to the difficulty. We can understand that I'm sorry, that I will never do it again, that I want to do whatever it takes to build a new relationship with my GF, but at the end of the day, there's an uncertainty as to why I cheated that becomes the 800 lb monster in the room. I can see certain symptoms of why I did it: sexual repression, too much indulgence of fantasy, my GF having grown distant, my not having felt supported, me liking my ego getting stroked, my being drunk...but none of these seems to be THE underlying cause. There's very much a "where do we go from here?" feeling to it. I want to know what the cause is, so that i can "kill" it. I know that the desire to cheat will come back. Hell, in some ways, it's already back, in small ways that I can easily quash, for now. I want to have something to permanently kill/clearly identify, so that I can keep a definite watch on it and prevent this from happening again.
My family and friends are a mixture of helpful and supremely unhelpful. My best friend and accountability partner is very good about the whole thing. He takes the perspective that what I did is in the past, what matters now is changing for the future, growing in wisdom, grace, and faith to ensure that it doesn't happen again. My father is also very supportive, able to give me encouragement without feeling the need to dwell on what i did, or needing to remind me that what I did was sinful and wrong. Unfortunately, my mum is the opposite. She means well, but feels the need to constantly remind me that she thinks my GF was within her rights to dump me, and how much what I did sucked and what a betrayal it was, etc. I know mum means to be encouraging and supportive, but she ends up focusing way more on the negative, which I just find nothing short of unhelpful, and even discouraging. I like being grounded: I know that I need to keep in mind the greatness and awfulness of what I did. But I don't want to be reminded of it every time I talk to someone about it. This general mix of reactions is what's having me keep it on the down low, for now. I don't think it's anyone's business, really, and I have enough people here to support me. I may let a couple more people know, people who are close to both of us and who can support both of us, but for now, I think I'll keep it to myself.
One day at a time. I can't keep thinking about how what I did was awful. I need to accept the consequences in the here and now, and try to both give my GF what she needs, and mold myself so that I can give myself what I need: to be a better, stronger man.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."-Psalm 103
Replies
I\'m so sorry your hurting. My heart bleeds for you.
I\'m glad that you\'ve found some supportive people in your life you can talk to.
I agree that you shouldn\'t tell as few people as possible .
Now to the subject of your mother . I think she needs a very very polite talking to. You should write down on a piece of paper what you intend to say to your mother and practice what you plan say.
This is how I would approach the situation and this is what I would say.
\"Mom, I understand why you feel the way you feel about my infidelity. I appreaciate your input. I know your words are meant to be helpful but right now they are not helpful at all.
Right now this is how I\'m hurting.
1) 2) 3).
I know the gravity and magnitude of what I did. You reminding me of it, hurts me more than it helps.
I love you mom.\"
Need2grow, please tell me what you think of what I my suggestion.
I think that this is one of those life lesson situations that you are learning about. But here is the truth, and its unpleasant, when we as cheaters made the decision to cheat than we made the decision to deal with the consequences. As Dr. Phil is so fond of saying, Choose the behavior then you choose the consequences. Once you confess to anyone what you have done then you are subject to their individual feelings regarding infidelity. Their emotions will be stirred and if its family, ie youre mum, then there is going to be a whole kettle of emotions that are going to be involved because she may start questioning herself as to her parenting skills. Of course that is completely irrational, but that is what parents do. But listening to your mother regarding this is part of the consequences. Dealing with your GF emotions and doubts and fears is part of the consequence. Dealing with your own questions and insecurities is part of the consequence.
Now the question becomes what are you going to do about it? Are you going to be humble and learn from it? Are going to be arrogant and defend it? Are you going to immature and withdrawal from it? You see what you do now at this young age is going to shape the rest of the relationships that you will have for the rest of your life. You made a decision, and it was a bad one, that decision does not shape you negatively unless you allow it too, but it will and has most definitely shaped you. I think you really need some more individual counseling. Here if you need to PM and as always be blessed - GaC
Flower
I don\'t think talking to my mum like that at this stage will do anything. I think, like Green said, it\'s a consequence of my actions, and I\'ll just have to accept it. I\'d rather learn from this, and learn to deal with the consequences while I try to build anew, rather than just run away from it. I could run away from my GF, but I made the choice not to do that, we made the choice together to try to be stronger than that. I think I just need to make that choice with my Mum, too, make a choice to accept it as a consequence, and try not to let it get me down.
But at the same time, while accepting consequences, I want to find that balance that lets me move forward. I\'m very aware of the dangers of wallowing in anything, especially one\'s own sins and mistakes. It\'s providing yourself a tool to your own destruction. So my challenge to myself is to accept the consequences, but also try to get myself moving beyond them, able to function in life, able to be happy in despite of what happened. I can feel this thing, the guilt and the pain of it, lurking \"around the corner\" in my mind, as it were. If I don\'t take it in hand now, it\'ll turn to depression. So for now, it\'s time to \"saddle up\" and try to keep moving.
Individual counseling returns on Monday. Until then, it\'s time for lots of scripture and lots of prayer.
Need, OK. I was just tossing out ideas that I think may be helpful.
\"Take what you need and leave the rest\".
Big hugs to you.
I know. And I appreciate the ideas. As I\'ve said before, this is not a situation I\'m even remotely prepared to deal with, and I have no idea what the protocols are, so \"business as usual\" is my motto, as much as possible.
It sounds like you are pointed in the right direction. Remember the Devil is a liar. Be Blessed - GaC