4th Day since D Day
Everything seems to be going ok. That actually worries me a little bit. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...My BGF and I have been spending a lot of time together, and we even talk about the potential of a future together, and future plans. It's all going...better than I thought it would, actually. I'm not ok with what happened, mind you. Not an hour goes by when I don't flash back to Saturday night and wish I'd have done something different. I am not ok with what I did, and I know that more consequences are coming. my BGF's mum comes out next week, and she knows about what happened. She's actually not THAT upset, because she's thought that my BGF and I are too young to be committed, anyway, so she's just hoping we're going to break up. In fact, she's convinced that we will. I sincerely doubt that it's not going to be majorly awkward. Just me knowing that she knows is going to make it awkward. And it's going to hurt. 
That's the worst part for me, I know there's going to be more pain, not just for me, but more importantly, for my BGF, somewhere in the future, I just don't know where. I'm bracing myself, but I don't know how long to brace myself for. 
My BGF has also established some physical boundaries. She's not ok kissing me, she's barely ok with touching me. She can hug me, that's it. I of course, wish it were different, but I also completely understand where she's coming from. I know she's in the right, and in some ways, it's even good for me that she's establishing these boundaries. It's important that I know what I have to win back. It's easy for me to shrug things off if I don't have consequences, I need these because I need to know what it is I did, I need to be constantly reminded of what it is that I did, and I need to see the effect it has had on the person I love. I'm not going to dwell on it for the rest of forever, but I don't think a few months spent ruminating on why it happened, and what the effects of my sin have been, are a bad idea at all. I'll get busy, I'll forget, but I need to be able to come back to it. 
My BGF has talked about couples counseling when we get back. I go into IC on Monday, but I also think that couples counseling will be a good idea, especially if we want the relationship to move forward. Right now, my goal is to change myself so much over the year that she's gone that she can come back to someone actually worthy of her. I don't want to "move on." I want to move UP. I want to grow as a person, as a man, as a Christian. I want to take this...thing that has happened, and use it. This has forced me to confront something about myself that i hate, loathe, and despise about myself, something I want to get rid of. I can't work on fixing my relationship with her if i don't try to fix myself first. "Surely He has borne our griefsAnd carried our sorrows;Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted.But He was wounded for our transgressions,He was bruised for our iniquities;The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,And by His stripes we are healed.All we like sheep have gone astray;We have turned, every one, to his own way;And the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all."