Third day since D-day.
Had lunch again with BGF. We're getting better, though again, it's not even close to healed. But, at least for the moment, we know that we want TO heal, so we're both working. I've continued to write letters, one a day to her. I've stopped being mopey, or continually begging forgiveness. She has forgiven me, though we're both going to have to work to accept that. She says she'll have to struggle to continue to forgive me, I'm going to have to struggle to accept her forgiveness of me and "forgive myself." The year alone is going to be very, very hard.
We discussed my drinking at length last night. My demands on myself are actually harder than her demands of me, but I'm going with the harder demands. I'm not going to quit all alcohol, but I'm going to regulate it. One drink a day, MAXIMUM, and only of good liquor. I'm cheap enough to not get drunk off of good Scotch. So no more cheap or "affordable" liquor for me. I quit smoking cold turkey, and I can quit drinking too. And I can start watching my fantasies, watching my wandering eye. I know that this is not all going to fix itself at once, as far as my DESIRE to do things will go. However, I know that I am 100% in control of my behaviors regarding what I do, and THAT is what I can control.
I've been seeing the OW around campus. She's pretty evidently pissed at me, and all I feel in my stomach when I see her is a cold ball of self-loathing and a hearty dose of disgust. She grosses me out. Whenever I have to pass her, I simply stare dead ahead. I'm not going to be nice to her, or even fake nice, nor do I feel like letting her have a choice in our interactions. Fortunately, we were not particularly close friends, nor do I think she's psychotic enough to pull something really dirty or nasty, but I may end up eating those words. She may ruin a couple of other friendships that I have, but I'm ok with that. Consequences. I'll be gone from this place in just over a year, anyway, and I've "come out" to my closest friend besides my BGF, who is my accountability partner, and able to judge my sins without quitting from loving me.
I'm debating whether I should be more open with a couple more people or not. On the one hand, it's none of their business, per se, but on the other hand, I'm not interested in hiding my sins. I'm ashamed of what I did, and I hate myself for it, but holding it in isn't the best idea, I think? I don't know. For now, I'm going to keep it under wraps until I figure out better what to do.
"Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:13
Had lunch again with BGF. We're getting better, though again, it's not even close to healed. But, at least for the moment, we know that we want TO heal, so we're both working. I've continued to write letters, one a day to her. I've stopped being mopey, or continually begging forgiveness. She has forgiven me, though we're both going to have to work to accept that. She says she'll have to struggle to continue to forgive me, I'm going to have to struggle to accept her forgiveness of me and "forgive myself." The year alone is going to be very, very hard.
We discussed my drinking at length last night. My demands on myself are actually harder than her demands of me, but I'm going with the harder demands. I'm not going to quit all alcohol, but I'm going to regulate it. One drink a day, MAXIMUM, and only of good liquor. I'm cheap enough to not get drunk off of good Scotch. So no more cheap or "affordable" liquor for me. I quit smoking cold turkey, and I can quit drinking too. And I can start watching my fantasies, watching my wandering eye. I know that this is not all going to fix itself at once, as far as my DESIRE to do things will go. However, I know that I am 100% in control of my behaviors regarding what I do, and THAT is what I can control.
I've been seeing the OW around campus. She's pretty evidently pissed at me, and all I feel in my stomach when I see her is a cold ball of self-loathing and a hearty dose of disgust. She grosses me out. Whenever I have to pass her, I simply stare dead ahead. I'm not going to be nice to her, or even fake nice, nor do I feel like letting her have a choice in our interactions. Fortunately, we were not particularly close friends, nor do I think she's psychotic enough to pull something really dirty or nasty, but I may end up eating those words. She may ruin a couple of other friendships that I have, but I'm ok with that. Consequences. I'll be gone from this place in just over a year, anyway, and I've "come out" to my closest friend besides my BGF, who is my accountability partner, and able to judge my sins without quitting from loving me.
I'm debating whether I should be more open with a couple more people or not. On the one hand, it's none of their business, per se, but on the other hand, I'm not interested in hiding my sins. I'm ashamed of what I did, and I hate myself for it, but holding it in isn't the best idea, I think? I don't know. For now, I'm going to keep it under wraps until I figure out better what to do.
"Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:13
Replies
Need2, did you get private message on \"confronting the other woman\"?
What does your girl friend think about your one drink a day quota?
She thinks I might be limiting myself too much with it, because she knows I like to go drinking with friends, but I don\'t think that, at least for now, I should go beyond one drink a day...when I even feel like that is a good idea, which, at least right now, I just don\'t think it its.
As for the Other Woman...I know it\'s a bad idea, and I don\'t intend on ever talking to her myself again, but I can\'t control what my GF does, unfortunately, and now is not the time to raise the subject when she doesn\'t even plan to POTENTIALLY talk to her for about a week or so.
Okay you folks know best.
Best of luck to both of you.
Big hugs.
First of all, congratulations on quitting smoking and on your determination to limit your drinking. I\'m really happy about all the things you ate doing. I did the same as you in putting harder demands on myself.
I have struggled as well with thoughts, fantasies, etc... I always wear a rubber band on my wrist for guarding my thoughts. When I need to stop thoughts I snap it and it is very effective.
Telling people is a tricky thing. At first it was weird for people not to know something so consuming and life changing. Sometimes, now, when I am around someone who doesn\'t know, I\'m glad they don\'t. At this point I am not always sure if someone knows or not because of the book. That was definitely weird having the book come out.
I just figured out what BGF stands for.
I finally figured out that the B is for betrayed.
Homer Simpson \"D\' Oh\".