Second day post D-day. Had another talk with BGF last night. More tears, more anger, all understandable. I hate myself right now. The worst part remains that I know that I've caused all this pain, and that I've fucked up my relationship. My depression levels are through the roof, I just want to lie around and sleep all day, but there are classes to attend and projects to do.
When we said goodnight last night, she just said goodnight and walked off. I don't know what I expected, but not that. I'm not blaming her, mind you, she had a right to do that, but it felt...cold. I just stood there for a couple minutes. The lack of physical contact is what makes it worst. I know that I don't have the right to ask her for anything, and I know she doesn't owe me that contact, and I know that touching me right now must hurt her, I'm not disagreeing with that, but it still hurts.
We're going out to dinner tonight, and hanging out during my lunch break. I'm hoping that will maybe lead to a breakthrough. I know it won't, but I have to hope. She doesn't hold onto things or stay angry, but she does say that this has changed everything, and I know it has. I'm looking for something to hold onto here for hope. Right now, that's just the fact that she hasn't dumped me, and she says that she wants me to try to win her back. That's become my primary goal in life: getting her back. I want her to trust me again, and I know that'll take time and pain and work, but I hope and pray it will happen. I've thought over the last couple days that it might be easier to just break up and move on, but I've come to realize that that would be worse. I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Our lives are so closely linked, she isn't just me gf, she is my best friend, my foundation. It took me destroying all of that to realize what it was that I had, what I spat on, and what i now need to rebuild.
"What have I become, my sweetest friend?Everyone I know goes away in the end.And you could have it all, my empire of dirtI will let you down, I will make you hurt."-Johnny Cash
When we said goodnight last night, she just said goodnight and walked off. I don't know what I expected, but not that. I'm not blaming her, mind you, she had a right to do that, but it felt...cold. I just stood there for a couple minutes. The lack of physical contact is what makes it worst. I know that I don't have the right to ask her for anything, and I know she doesn't owe me that contact, and I know that touching me right now must hurt her, I'm not disagreeing with that, but it still hurts.
We're going out to dinner tonight, and hanging out during my lunch break. I'm hoping that will maybe lead to a breakthrough. I know it won't, but I have to hope. She doesn't hold onto things or stay angry, but she does say that this has changed everything, and I know it has. I'm looking for something to hold onto here for hope. Right now, that's just the fact that she hasn't dumped me, and she says that she wants me to try to win her back. That's become my primary goal in life: getting her back. I want her to trust me again, and I know that'll take time and pain and work, but I hope and pray it will happen. I've thought over the last couple days that it might be easier to just break up and move on, but I've come to realize that that would be worse. I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Our lives are so closely linked, she isn't just me gf, she is my best friend, my foundation. It took me destroying all of that to realize what it was that I had, what I spat on, and what i now need to rebuild.
"What have I become, my sweetest friend?Everyone I know goes away in the end.And you could have it all, my empire of dirtI will let you down, I will make you hurt."-Johnny Cash
Replies
The best thing you can do is to be able to tell and show her all you are doing to work on your self. Tell her about your counseling, read those recommended books pronto! Especially the one about helping your spouse (in your case GF) heal. It\'s a very quick read and i promise it will help. Share with her your insights and lessons from all your work on yourself. That will do wonders, and in the meantime just do as many bonding and loving things as you can with her.
I\'ve been reading some of the .pdf forms of a lot of those books, and some people here have sent me some wonderful articles about it. I know what to do, but some of it is changed because of the soon to come distance...
Yeah what Gabrielle said .
Need2grow, the first thing I would do is tell people in your family of your delicate mental state.
Then I do everything I can just to make it through the day.
Do whatever it is you need to get through the day.(minus alcohol)
If food gives you comfort --overeat.
If you need to cry then cry.
Big hugs to you.
Need2grow, do whatever it is to live through one day at a time and ride out this storm.
All I can say is don\'t come across as overly sad and dumpy. Try to be happy that you are with her, show her respect and love - but don\'t over do it, it easily makes way to neediness! Show her the happy, confidant you! In time hopefully your actions and words will win her over....but your pity and sulking will get you no where. Cheers and best of luck to you!!