THIS IS TOTALLY FOR LAFFS AS WE ALL NEED TO!!!!

TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE R-E-A-D-Y FOR CHILDREN:

1- Women put on a dressing gown and tie a beanbag chair around your waist. Leave it there for 9 months.  After nine months, remove 10% of the beans!   MEN - GO to the local drugstore and dump the contents of your wallet on the counter.  Tell the pharmacists to help themselves.  Then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your paycheck directly deposited into the store's account

2- Find parents with children who misbehave and offer them advice about child rearing and discipline.  Enjoy the experience.  It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

3- To discover how the nights will feel after you have a baby, set your alarm to go off every 2 hours between 10 PM and 5 AM.  Each time you get out of bed, carry around a wet bag weighing 8-12 pounds.  Sing songs and jiggle the bag.  At 5 AM get up and make breakfast while trying to look cheerful.  Keep this up for 5 years.

4- To anticipate the messes made by children, smear peanut butter and jelly on your sofa and curtians.  Shove a mini pizza into your VCR.  Take potting soil from your household plants and apply it directly to your wallpaper.  Using crayons, draw hundredsn of uneven circles on the lower part of your living room walls.  Now stand back and smile as you survey the scene ( PERSONAL NOTE HERE - Told daughter not to mark on walls with pencils, crayons, etc.  Later found marks on wall.  I explained again, she wasn't to do this with pencils, crayons, etc.  She looked me dead in the eye and said she didn't that a dime works too!)

5- To prepare for dressing small children, go to your local pet store and purchase a medium sized octopus.  Practice putting the octopus into a sandwish sized sipper bag without any arms sticking out.  Time allowed for this: ALL MORNING!

6- Trade in your 2 door sports car for a mini van.  Stick a chocolate ice cream bar in the glove compartment and leave it there all summer.  Jam a quarter into the cassette player and smash a family sized bag of chocolate cookies into the seats grinding them into the carpet with your heel.  Then run a garden rake along the sides of the van.  Now you have a "family vehicle".

7- Repeat everything you say at least 5 times--paitiently.

8- Visit the grocery store with the closet thing you can find to a preschool child.  A full grown goat is excellant.  If you plan to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goats eat or destory. Then herd the goats and groceries to your chocolate stained mini van in the parking lot.

9- Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.  Now take a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.  Continue until half the Fruit Loops are gone.  Tip the rest into your lap, spilling a large amoung on the floor.  You're now ready to feed a small child.

10- Finally, thinkg about he proudest moment in your life to date.  Perhaps it was graduation or your wedding day or landing that important job.  Add to that feeeling the sensation you received when you first found out your husband or wife really love you or when you made your parents proud or when someone looked up to you as a role model.  Now multipl.y those combined feelings of exhilaration by 100, and and a broad smile and a chest bursting sense of pride.   If you can barely contain all that excietement and energy, you're READY to have children!