I am not going to be going home on wednesday now. i will be staying in london because i went to an audition on sunday and i got the lead female role, so i have to get my script tonight and start rehearsals on thursday. it very exciting and hopefully a good focus for me. I will try and get in to the library as often as possible to keep up with people on here, because it means a lot too me to do so. Once we have sorted out the internet in our flat it will be much easier. Its been 9 days of 3 healthy meals a day. i have had to eat some meals that i wouldnt consider all that healthy at a few points because it seem to be a choice of miss a meal or eat a bit unhealthy. i knew that if i skipped a meal that would be letting the anorexia win, i am still fragile enough that missing one meal would just be the catalyst to make me miss many more. If i am honest then some days have been less difficult than others. Today has been the hardest by far. i am very tired, those thoughts that i am continually trying to fight seem to be taking over my brain today, i keep looking in mirrors and shop windows at my reflection and thinking how fat i am and how i need to lose weight. I have been trying not to calorie count, but over the last few days i have found it impossible not to. I really dont want to i really must just eat three healthy meals a day and be confident that that will be ok.  I keep thinking i am eating too much, but i am fighting off the thoughts the best i can and hopefully eventually one day they will slowly fade. i just wanna live i know there is so much out there, and i know i need energy to perform etc. I think i am having a particularly hard day today also cuz i know i have to go out for dinner tonight to get my script and i am so nervous and anxious about it. i cant stop thinking about it.  Anyways better go, i really need to cheer myself up , i was feeling so good, dont think i am ready for the out to dinner challenge but i guess i will have to be. ahhhhhhhhh! xoxo