Staying strong! i will do this, i am so determined. i am not gunna let this stupid disease steal anymore of my life away, i want to live not just exist. I wont be back online till wednesday, hopefully i can stay strong whilst i am unable to come on DS. and when i am back on wednesday i plan to be saying i have made it through 10 days of eating 3 healthy meals a day. I will do it! I even ate a snack yesterday. Its certainly not easy, i think today has been the hardest day so far. Today i went shopping with my mum and for a while it was ok, but after a while i begin to feel fat etc looking at all the different size clothes, the manikins, the posters and trying stuff on looking in the mirror. i keep having to stop myself from crying when i look in the mirror, i hate what i see so much, i dont want to, i just do. I found eating tonight so difficult but i did, it made me feel fat and discusting, soon after i ate it my dad came over, and he had a big argument with my mum, and i was literally stood in the middle of it, it was horrible, i didnt say or do anything, i just had to stay there. I always get my mum ranting to me about my dad, theres nothing i can do about what he's like, and so when he left after they argued as always she went on and on about it, i am fed up with hearing it, i already know everything she is going to say. it made me want to throw up the food i had just eaten, my immediate thought was i have to throw up, like it would make everything feel better, and all i could think was that i need to not eat cuz i need to disappear, i didnt make myself sick, it was such a fight not too and i had a panic attack, and just ended up in a heap on the floor. I dont know why i immediately think that hurting myself will make me feel better. maybe its because it is something i can control...maybe its because it is a distraction and so i dont have to think about whats really going on....maybe its because then perhaps someone would consider or ask how i feel (even though i could never tell them).... I'm doing ok again now though and still feel determind to keep up eating three healthy meals everyday, dealing with the changes to my body that i can already feel and see happening is so difficult and really is upsetting me at the moment, kinda feeling like there's too much to deal with...but i'll stay strong!