one year

So its almost Thanksgiving.  The day we are to give thanks & appreciate what we have.  Well I used to love thanksgiving.  I can't believe that my husband has been gone just about one year now.  He died last thanksgiving weekend.  So this year my daughters & I are going away.  We aren't celebrating thanksgiving.  We don't feel very thankful.   It doesn't seem like its been a year.  I can still see every detail on the day Tom died.  I still feel the guilt that I should have done things differently, that I should have insisted I be allowed with him while the paramedics tried to resuscitate him.  Maybe if I was there with him instead of out in the hall trying to call to him, praying like I had never prayed before.  And for what.  It didn't  change the outcome.  Tom was suppose to be retiring the following week.  We were all to be going to Jamaica for Christmas.  We were planning to downsize and travel and do the things you do when you retire.  Tom worked so hard to retire early.  And look what he got.  I am still just so angry and sad and frustrated.  I don't know if my decisions are the best decisions.  I need my husband here to help me.  It just doesn't seem possible that he has been gone a year.  I miss him so much.  I want him to walk in the door. I want to be happy again.  I want to be able to go to bed without crying because he's not beside me anymore.  Even though its just about a year, I still feel like I am going through the motions of each day but not really knowing just what I am doing.  Its hard to explain.  Heck the other week someone at work asked me the ages of my daughter (word got out that I had lost my husband).  But anyways, I said the ages of my daughters and then it hit me, my daughter had a birthday coming up.  It was like I didn't even know what month it was.  My first born will be turning 28 tomorrow.  I feel so bad for her because since her daddy died, she is now being so brave and gown up for me.  I don't want her to miss out on her life because she worries about me.  She's always been a caring person.  I just see this change in her.  Like she had to grow up too fast.  Its hard to explain.  But I love my daughters and I just want them to be happy.  I want us all to be happy again.  Will this ever happen?  I certainly hope so, but right now I have my doubts.