10:50 pm I am so lost right now. I did just talk to my husband. I think the whole thing of us being friends was BS. He doesn't really want to be my friend. I am nothing to him, not even barely a memory. I feel so useless and unwanted. Why can't the man that I want so badly just want me back? Am I really that horrible of a person. I want to show him that he can love me, but I just keep screwing up. I had a nice conversation with my mother-in-law tonight and she gave me alot of encouragement. When we got off the phone I felt so much better, but then I screwed up again and said things to my ex that probably ruined any chance that we could ever be together again. Why do I do such stupid things? All my ex ever sees in me is the negative things, he never sees the good things. But I guess all I show him lately is the negative things. I just got off the phone with my ex. Before we got off, I asked him if he was completely over me and he told me that if we were going to get back together then it would have happened by now. I told him that I am a black and white type of person and I don't like to have these grey areas. I told him I needed him to just tell me that there is never a chance to get back together. He finally said yes, we are never getting back together. So I guess this is just the answer that I needed. We are never going to be together again. I am not going to even try with him anymore. I just can't put myself through this crap anymore. I need to stay away from him from now on if I am going to heal and grow and become the person that I want to be. I had hoped that he would have told me that he wasn't over me. I guess the tears at the divorce hearing were not tears of grief, but tears of joy. I deserve much better than this. I don't want to love him anymore. I just want to love myself and that is hard, because I don't even like myself.I am just rambling on about junk so I am going to stop now.