I was trying to write down 20 things that I love about my husband and I could only think of nine. Two of them were very superficial. That is really sad. If I love him so much, why couldn't I think of all the reasons that I do? I can think of several reason why I should be happy that we are getting a divorce, but not enough reasons for me to be hurt by this divorce. I have realized through this that the only reason I am hurt by my husband leaving is that I have been rejected by the one person who is supposed to accept me; my husband. In the past 4 years he never really treated me good, yet I still love him. In the past 4 years he never put me above others, especially his parents and siter and brother, yet I still love him. In the past 5 years he beat me up several times and one time I thought he was going to kill me, yet I love him. In the past 4 years he had close friendships with other girls that he chose over me, yet I love him. Why am I so in love with my husband? I am not quite sure.
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I am so sorry you have been through so much pain. is it love? Are you afraid of being alone? Has he made you feel like you are unloveable? I think it is the abuse endured. I tried that pros and cons list before and came up with a short pros list. Very superficial also. I reaalized it wasn\'t him that I wanted it was a warm body. I wanted a companion. Someone to share life with someone. For me my stbx is not that man. Any man that would beat up his wife is disgraceful. He is no man. I am sorry I hope I am not over stepping my bounds. My h tried to intimidate me a few times I got a retraining order against him. It was one of the hardest things I did. I was so embarrassed to go to the police station. Message me if you ever want to talk. I hope you have a counselor. If not usually you can get free services through your town if you can\'t afford one. call a local church they usually know.
We all have amnesia at times. We choose to be caring, we choose to be blind. It is all in our giver nature. Just don\'t blame yourself, especially if he beat you, he better be thankful he is not in jail or we\'re not in town. I know it is hard, don\'t blame yourself, he is very ill, very, very, very ill. I agree with whendy some counseling will help. If you can\'t afford it many areas either have a church or other means of a sliding scale counselors. I see one.
You are in my prayers, take care.
Larry
Love endures all things...However, we have to put safety above that hurtful, abusive situation. I think we are all afraid to let go sometimes. Other times we are ok with it. Loving who he used to be, is where I am at. I love how good he used to treat me etc. But I have to face the fact that those days are gone and may never be back. Be willing to concentrate on the things you love about you; the positives about your son and how he won\'t see such horrible things. Yo will make it. We all will. A man who hits women is beyond awful. You wouldn\'t let him treat your son that way, don\'t let him teach your son how to treat you that way.