o.k. Its been a few days since I journaled and when I do get on I read a lot about suicide. Strange that its been on my mind all week. I even thought about it. My husband and son are leaving for Washington March 29 for 2 days and I thought this would be a good time. It has made me sad reading about people who don't understand. Thats what I thought this support group was for now I feel this is just another let down. I need support now. I have attemped suicide several times in the past and wish I would have succeeded. Parts of me wish I could snap out of my way of thinking. Fortunately my kids are whats keeping me alive. I feel like if I kill myself a part of me will be killing or hurting their life. So I stay in my misery. I told my son about my depression and why I stay irritable sometimes and why I sleep alot and may be what I would want to take my life but I chose not to tell him the latter. He's still too young. I would never do anything to hurt anyone else but I realize taking my life would be hurting someone else so its so hard. I wish there was a way out. I have been hospitalized and put on so many different kinds of meds it just seems theres no use. I want to die but I want to see my kids grow and see how they'll turn out and maybe be a grandma. I stay tired, depressed and out of control alot. I can't hold a job. My husband acts as if I'm not here like I'm invisible. I'm sorry if I'm going on on but writing helps me. If you don't want to read its ok I just have to get this stuff out. I hate having to keep working on this depression, with the affirmations, meditations thinking everythings going to be alright when I really don't know if it is. I'm such a scared person who feels no one understands and I'm tired of hating my life and myself. I feel my kids would be better off with someone else raising them. Well need to get off of here. I'll probably go back to bed. I just wish I could enjoy things I used to. My counselor tells me to turn to God and read my Bible and I agree but doing that is even hard for me. I feel so distant from God. If you can't understand don't respond if you can please offer me some hope maybe it'll get me through another day. Thanks for reading if you made it through my whole entry.
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I was depressed and anxious. I know what it\'s like to be scared and tired, afraid and depressed, hopeless and despondent. I\'ve had days when I wished it was over, when I wished someone would just shoot me or run me over or anything to just end it. I thought of taking an overdose of drugs or booze. One day a long time ago I almost drank myself to death. I was passed out for six hours. I remember sinking into blackness. There was just a tiny bit of life left in me and it wouldn\'t give in to the onslaught of bourbon I had chugged. It said no to the booze, it said no to the coma, it said, \"I want to live!\" From that day on I still sometimes wish it would end, but I never seriously contemplate suicide. I just know it\'s not the solution. So I go on even though I still get depressed and I\'m still anxious. I go on because I do have hope and I see that things do get better. It\'s not perfect and sometimes it really sucks (which is why I come here and why my mood is BAD right at this moment). Giving in and giving up isn\'t the answer. There is something noble in the struggle. I don\'t know what it is exactly. But I know it when I see it. And I saw it in your journal, that fact that you took the time and effort to write, your recognition that your kids need you and the fact that you felt good about writing. Taking positive action, any action, often helps me a lot.
I read your entire entry and I do know what its like to be tired, hopeless, afraid and at the end of my rope. I\'m glad that you realize how much it would hurt your children if they were to lose you.
I felt distant from God nearly my entire life, from the age of 7 to 45. But I did finally turn to God, and my prayers were pretty hateful, I didn\'t have anything nice to say to God! It was more like \"what the Hell do you think you are doing???\"
My prayers were like that for a few weeks. But slowly I started asking for strength, guidance, understanding, etc--all those things we all seem to need. I don\'t know why or how, but praying makes me feel better, it gives me a sense of peace for awhile. I still don\'t have a clue what God thinks he is doing. But I\'m starting to think that we all must be here in this life for a reason and a purpose.
Keep on writing, try to find the things that feed your soul, and those are the things you should do. Feel free to message me if you like. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.