venting

Today was really hard.. I wanted to be happy but it felt impossible... No matter what I did that I normally would love made me feel anything but numb... I wanted to bad to check to see if I would bleed... Just one cut to watch the blood spill out, and feel something.. Just to know that I am alive... I had to fight that thought all day.. And the scars didnt help, just looking at them made me think why not cut, one more wont make a difference... Everything I wanted so much out of my life wont happen do to my mental health, and that all comes from my childhood.... I have been ripped of everything.. not only of my childhood, but also my adult life... I feel that I will never be normal.... I cant stand to be with a man for long... I have had boyfriends, but I get no enjoyment out of a relationship once it turns to more then a friendship...
Once that happens I dont want to be around them... Its like all trust just goes... I pretend I am happy, and then I start pushing them away.. I have never had a boyfriend stay overnight... Nor would I want them to... I would never be able to have them live with me... So that effects having children... How could I have children grow up with their dad living in another place yet we are still together.. how would you ever explain that to a child... you would just never do that....
So besides love life never going to be normal, I also have issues with friendships... I have this lack of trust with people.. I thought getting older would change the fact of not trusting adults... however it has not... So now I find that people my own age and older I dont trust... even if I call them a friend... I just have this huge wall of what could happen.. as if I was that young child... I fear what I should not... making friendships really hard.. and then learning how many people cant be trusted after it took so long to trust them, it makes it even harder to get to the point of trying to trust someone else... even if they show they can be trusted that thought from what you have learned from other people play a huge part in the new friendship... I feel that when I need people I am not worth asking for help so I push them away, and then start thinking how can I trust which pushes them away more and more... leaving me with little to no friends left....
I know that work, is just not something I would be able to do all the time... I start off at a job really well and then within a few weeks its like I just run myself out playing happy that I just die, and either find a way to get fired or quite... I feel that it it was a job I loved it would be different however the jobs I am interested in are out of the question..
So in this world how can I live... If you dont work then you cant live the government has made that impossible... my support is very few as I push people away, and in some cases just block myself out from the world...and lets face it I am not really a joy to be around... So that causes many people to leave, or take it personal and cause other issues...
I just want to give up so badly... I want to call it quits.. I know that I will ever become better... The thoughts will always haunt me... too much has been done to forgive... I try and try to forget but it never really goes away.. I try and block out thoughts with drinking, or in the past drugs, and cutting... but then it comes back in the night when i have no control....
I wake up all the time.... have a hard time going to sleep, as I fear sleeping... once I do get to bed, I am soon enough waking up with nightmares of my past... and the cycle repeats over and over again.... so I am lucky to get a total of 4 hours of sleep a night...
And really I rather just stay awake, and not have to see what I am trying so hard in the day to hide, a