bad day.
I feel horrible today, didnt sleep much last night... By much I mean I didnt sleep until this morning at 9am... and it was not even a long nap.. lasted 30mins... I feel like I didnt even need sleep.
I think it was from my session yesterday and having to talk about everything and open that scar up and talk about what I have tried for so many years to hide! But I guess thats what I have to do... So now knowing how this effects me, I am going to talk to my doctor about getting a medication to use for after my sessions to better help me deal with the after affect...
I also today was really upset when I read that someone thinks they have every right to cut just because they have a bad life.... I really wanted to say are you kidding me? there are so many people that have a worse life and they dont cut... but I know that is not right of me.. some just dont have coping skills, I know that I was once there.. And do to the lack of coping skills I became addicted to cutting and that became the issue of an addiction not needed to cope.
I struggled to stop not bc of my life being horrible, but bc it was a addiction, I had other ways of coping with the crap in my life I just didnt want to give up the cutting, as it was like drugs the addictive ones that you start using them for what ever reason but then you become addicted and you need them more mentally then physically... I just wanted the feeling regardless what was going on in my life. I could have been really happy but it didnt matter, I just had to mentally.
After stopping I went two years without cutting, and yes I struggled the thoughts of cutting. And the thoughts came and went until I gave into the feeling... Yes I was having a hard time but thinking about it... I had coping skills that worked I just wanted that feeling... and well I fell into it... then I just kept doing it as it felt good to feel something... but it was not what I wanted in my life, so I gave it up....
and even now from time to time I really want to cut just to have the feeling, but bc of my life, or what has happened or the crap I am going through right now.. but just to have that feeling, but I know how bad it is, and how people look at people that cut... and I dont want to be looked at as crazy... I want to be looked at as a person that was once in pure hell and then survived and is there to help others get through their life.
Also I feel really down about mother's day being tomorrow... Every where I am seeing mothers day, and hearing mothers day.. And all I can think is I wish my baby boy was here with me today and we could make handprints and have lots of fun for the day.. But that will never be. I guess its me thinking about how old he would have been and how great that age is for learning and becoming a big boy and doing things for themselves. and growing up. But I never got that, Grayson was stillborn so no first cry, no first breath, no first anything... and that I wish I had.
I raised my god child when he was a baby so there was lots of firsts and I missed none of them. :) and watched him grow into a wonderful 4 year old and then he went back and forth between his mother and I from 4-5 now he is 6 and I dont see him as much as I want. Due to his mother. I feel like he was my baby too after raising him so it feels like he has been ripped out of my life.. It really hurts.. I kinda hope that when he turns 12 he can pick who he wants to live with, but for sure when he is 16 he is coming to live with me.. he wants to live with me, as I raised him he was a better connection with him then his mother does.. I dont know I just feel that I have lost both of my boys so mothers day is hard fr me. :(
I think it was from my session yesterday and having to talk about everything and open that scar up and talk about what I have tried for so many years to hide! But I guess thats what I have to do... So now knowing how this effects me, I am going to talk to my doctor about getting a medication to use for after my sessions to better help me deal with the after affect...
I also today was really upset when I read that someone thinks they have every right to cut just because they have a bad life.... I really wanted to say are you kidding me? there are so many people that have a worse life and they dont cut... but I know that is not right of me.. some just dont have coping skills, I know that I was once there.. And do to the lack of coping skills I became addicted to cutting and that became the issue of an addiction not needed to cope.
I struggled to stop not bc of my life being horrible, but bc it was a addiction, I had other ways of coping with the crap in my life I just didnt want to give up the cutting, as it was like drugs the addictive ones that you start using them for what ever reason but then you become addicted and you need them more mentally then physically... I just wanted the feeling regardless what was going on in my life. I could have been really happy but it didnt matter, I just had to mentally.
After stopping I went two years without cutting, and yes I struggled the thoughts of cutting. And the thoughts came and went until I gave into the feeling... Yes I was having a hard time but thinking about it... I had coping skills that worked I just wanted that feeling... and well I fell into it... then I just kept doing it as it felt good to feel something... but it was not what I wanted in my life, so I gave it up....
and even now from time to time I really want to cut just to have the feeling, but bc of my life, or what has happened or the crap I am going through right now.. but just to have that feeling, but I know how bad it is, and how people look at people that cut... and I dont want to be looked at as crazy... I want to be looked at as a person that was once in pure hell and then survived and is there to help others get through their life.
Also I feel really down about mother's day being tomorrow... Every where I am seeing mothers day, and hearing mothers day.. And all I can think is I wish my baby boy was here with me today and we could make handprints and have lots of fun for the day.. But that will never be. I guess its me thinking about how old he would have been and how great that age is for learning and becoming a big boy and doing things for themselves. and growing up. But I never got that, Grayson was stillborn so no first cry, no first breath, no first anything... and that I wish I had.
I raised my god child when he was a baby so there was lots of firsts and I missed none of them. :) and watched him grow into a wonderful 4 year old and then he went back and forth between his mother and I from 4-5 now he is 6 and I dont see him as much as I want. Due to his mother. I feel like he was my baby too after raising him so it feels like he has been ripped out of my life.. It really hurts.. I kinda hope that when he turns 12 he can pick who he wants to live with, but for sure when he is 16 he is coming to live with me.. he wants to live with me, as I raised him he was a better connection with him then his mother does.. I dont know I just feel that I have lost both of my boys so mothers day is hard fr me. :(
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