Had a really rough day.. Started seeing my new physiologist today. It was hard to talk about things and to open up just a little... I had to just give an over view of my life and what happened without going into detail too much.. but just the little I had to give was emotionally draining. 
I found it hard to not cry during the session, and at times to hide the pain I would make myself laugh, even though what I was saying was no laughing matter, but I had to.. I was afraid of showing my pain and all the hurt, and really opening up about my life... and at times I was questioned on why didnt I report, then about my relationships that clearly where not healthy but everything around that, and my mind just went right into the excuses that I have been telling myself for years, and all the things I was taught growing up that are still burned in my head..  And the response that the physiologist gave back made me feel so stupid for saying what I did, and horrible that I think that what I said was true...
I was also asked about my main abuser which is my father, and why I never reported him and why I still do this day would not report him. Even though I live in fear of seeing him and lately I have been.. Running into him in bars, or on the streets, funerals... and other places that I would never see him... I know he has found me and now I am more alert on that fact... But I he is my dad... As much as I hate him for everything... He is still my dad.. and when I told her that, she asked would you report if he was abusing another child... I said no I would take a shot gun and go blow his brains out..
Its was clear to her then that if it has to do with me, I dont care, what happens... but if it has to do with another person I will fight and protect them and would go to jail if I had to, so they would not have to be hurt the way I have... and in a way that is really true... All my life I always protected people and I took the blame no matter what, I allowed the abuse as if I was not being abused then who was going to be... And I guess that was what I thought... If my dad and his friends did what they wanted then no one else would get hurt... same with babysitters, boyfriends, random guys I didnt know, a teacher, a cop.. I just allowed it and kept my mouth shut hoping that it would not get worse, and just doing what I was taught to do... And in a way I always thought if it was me then someone else was not having to go through it... and that happened more with my dad and his friends. they had this place called the barn.. no it was not really a barn it was just the name they called the place, where they would bring kids and they would do stuff... and sometimes make us do stuff to other kids, or have two kids vs one with adults... and when there were times where they were picking between kids I always said pick me, not in those words but I always tried to get them to choose me, just so that someone else would be saved from having to  be abused...
It might sound really stupid but I felt I was this bad kid, and I knew I was going to get it anyways and I started getting used to it to a point where I learned how to play act instead of fighting I just went with it... Never enjoyed it... I hated it.. but there was school my safe place until a teacher came to the school to help with kids that are slow learners... she would rub up against students, but they would complain and she would say its not what they say it was she was simply just helping... and thats what it looked when she did it... But when she took her fav students back to her office for one on one that was when it was different... 
At first I was ok with it, it didnt hurt, and it was more loving then what I was used to... but then I started not liking it and wanting out.. But I never reported her... I just would flip out at school do everything I could to be kicked out of school... I had no real safe place... which really just made me want to give up... I hate my life, and I just want to forget all the hurt and pretend nothing ever bad happened to me... but that is impossible... and now I am losing control over things... which is why I went for help...
But today is making me wonder... after the meeting, I felt really drained upset... and all these feelings from the past just keep piling up... and I cant sleep as my anxiety is just sky high right now... and it has been all day from when I had the meeting... I just dont know if its really worth dragging all this up... I feel horrible... and I feel like I really cant talk to anyone...I do have support and one that understands but I just cant talk to her.. its me personally... nothing to do with her... I want to talk but I also dont want to bother anyone, and I just want to have this feeling go away instead of trying to talk to someone about it... might sound odd I dont know... Just hoping that this is worth it I guess....