sigh
Well last few days have not really slept much... So feeling pretty drained but when I should be going to sleep I am just not able to. By the time I want to sleep I am unable to as its morning or will just fall asleep and then the alarm goes off. I also have tried napping and due to my puppy being sick that has not been able to happen. :(
I stopped taking all my medication as I just feel its pointless when the doctor wont listen to me and keeps changing the medication all the time.. I had something that worked and now she is changing it and both new meds have not worked.. So I gave up on the sleep time ones, then I really thought what is the point of taking the depression medication when I am not getting sleep... It wont do anything... So I gave that up too.
I have a social worker appointment on tuesday to pretty much take away her legally standing on me being open about thinking of ending my life, so I did a safety plan and that will take that legal stand point off the table for her even though its built on a lie...
I am still planing on my death and seeing what happens happens... But I want to keep the police out of my life so that there are no further issues... So that really just means that I am going to decide on that day rather its worth ending my life or if its worth fighting for it.
If I fight I wont be going back to the social worker as I cant be open with her, and if I cant do that then, really whats the point of going,,,,
There would be no point... I really just feel that this is the end... I really dont want to keep fighting anymore... I want to give up, and no have to worry about bills, work, life, family, friends, everything... I wont have to fight the fear of the abuse I would not have to feel the pain any more... I am just tired of it all and really I think everyone around me is sick of me anyways they dont care, some never have and others just know how I feel and what I am going through has made my life hard and they want nothing to do with it.. So I leave them out...
Which makes me think more on the ending my life is the better and stronger choice... and fighting was what I have done this whole time... and has not helped me any....
I stopped taking all my medication as I just feel its pointless when the doctor wont listen to me and keeps changing the medication all the time.. I had something that worked and now she is changing it and both new meds have not worked.. So I gave up on the sleep time ones, then I really thought what is the point of taking the depression medication when I am not getting sleep... It wont do anything... So I gave that up too.
I have a social worker appointment on tuesday to pretty much take away her legally standing on me being open about thinking of ending my life, so I did a safety plan and that will take that legal stand point off the table for her even though its built on a lie...
I am still planing on my death and seeing what happens happens... But I want to keep the police out of my life so that there are no further issues... So that really just means that I am going to decide on that day rather its worth ending my life or if its worth fighting for it.
If I fight I wont be going back to the social worker as I cant be open with her, and if I cant do that then, really whats the point of going,,,,
There would be no point... I really just feel that this is the end... I really dont want to keep fighting anymore... I want to give up, and no have to worry about bills, work, life, family, friends, everything... I wont have to fight the fear of the abuse I would not have to feel the pain any more... I am just tired of it all and really I think everyone around me is sick of me anyways they dont care, some never have and others just know how I feel and what I am going through has made my life hard and they want nothing to do with it.. So I leave them out...
Which makes me think more on the ending my life is the better and stronger choice... and fighting was what I have done this whole time... and has not helped me any....
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