thoughts...
Really starting to think about everything that has happened in my life, and with wonder about things, I know that I am stronger for living through it. Have more understand then some, and try and help others.
But at the same time I really think should I keep fighting... Why should I??? What is left... with so many things have changed, the people that used to be my reason to live I dont see often so I feel less attached. My support person really is having a bad time I think... and when I share my thought of giving up she says nothing... which makes me think either she does not care or she understands how I am feeling...
April is coming up and two dates being high risk for me every year... and I cant choice what I want to do... At times I say no I want to live past that and keep fighting, then at other times I want to end the pain, and want to leave this Earth, as I feel like there is nothing for me to do here anymore, and that its just my time to go...
I have a very messed up thought that everyone dies from something, and we dont get to pick what happens.. But at times I think what if suicide is what we are to die from... Maybe that is why some have strong feelings to end their life and do when it is time... But when I share that people say no thats crazy there is something wrong with my head... maybe or maybe I am just ok with dying...
Really not sure.. I just know that right now I have many mixed feelings about April and I dont want to make plans after April I dont want to make promises, I dont want to get rid of these pills I have, or the gun I have... I have other plans too and I dont want to make sure I cant use them... I just feel that I want that option... and not having that option makes me scared that I cant end it if I need to... Its really hard to explain....
I know my social worker is so worried and spent our whole time talking trying to make me promise to start making steps to ensure that I wont be able to follow through with my plan, or to promise that I wont do it... But I cant promise... And I could not lie to her saying oh sure I will... But I do know that the closer to the date the less I will share with her as I dont want to end in hospital and make it worse... If I feel trapped I try to end my life or hurt myself or at some points others, and thats due to all the abuse and being stuck and trapped...
I want to live, and I also want to die... and both are in the middle... I am hoping that things get better and change things around... but I dont know....
But at the same time I really think should I keep fighting... Why should I??? What is left... with so many things have changed, the people that used to be my reason to live I dont see often so I feel less attached. My support person really is having a bad time I think... and when I share my thought of giving up she says nothing... which makes me think either she does not care or she understands how I am feeling...
April is coming up and two dates being high risk for me every year... and I cant choice what I want to do... At times I say no I want to live past that and keep fighting, then at other times I want to end the pain, and want to leave this Earth, as I feel like there is nothing for me to do here anymore, and that its just my time to go...
I have a very messed up thought that everyone dies from something, and we dont get to pick what happens.. But at times I think what if suicide is what we are to die from... Maybe that is why some have strong feelings to end their life and do when it is time... But when I share that people say no thats crazy there is something wrong with my head... maybe or maybe I am just ok with dying...
Really not sure.. I just know that right now I have many mixed feelings about April and I dont want to make plans after April I dont want to make promises, I dont want to get rid of these pills I have, or the gun I have... I have other plans too and I dont want to make sure I cant use them... I just feel that I want that option... and not having that option makes me scared that I cant end it if I need to... Its really hard to explain....
I know my social worker is so worried and spent our whole time talking trying to make me promise to start making steps to ensure that I wont be able to follow through with my plan, or to promise that I wont do it... But I cant promise... And I could not lie to her saying oh sure I will... But I do know that the closer to the date the less I will share with her as I dont want to end in hospital and make it worse... If I feel trapped I try to end my life or hurt myself or at some points others, and thats due to all the abuse and being stuck and trapped...
I want to live, and I also want to die... and both are in the middle... I am hoping that things get better and change things around... but I dont know....
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