Venting.

I have always wondered about what my life was like was really right as a kid. I told myself that I would be different and would be the odd one out. And I was very confused, on how I was told it was normal and that if I told anyone they would laugh at me and would make fun that I cant take life. I was told to lie to teachers, other family, friends, and anyone that asked about things.. But it was normal? I always thought it was a test or another game... To see if I would complain about my life. When I got a little older we started learning about abuse and then sex ed. I was pulled from the classes. I never understood that either. Looking back now I wonder how I ever thought what was going on was normal. From the beatings, to the rape, to having to call my dad master, to learn how to please his friends. Make them happy, and do what I was told just to try and not get another beating. From all the lies of why I hurt so much or would not change in the change room. Funny that I never noticed that other females didnt have the marks I did... I must have just linked that with they were good and did what they where told and I was just the bad kid... I really dont know. I hated my life and wanted to end it in grade 3 and tried many times but I didnt really know how to, so it failed. I also started cutting and for the first time my masters friends wanted nothing to do with me.. so did my master, but then that got old and the beatings just got worse. Its not like I could hide that. I still remember telling him I was going to tell. First threat came saying I would be thrown in a wood chipper... Not so fun when your being dragged out back to where he had one and turning it on. I still wonder how no one clued in and took me out of there. I dont understand why my step brother and sister were never hurt by him. Well emotional yes, but nothing like I was. My step mother was no fun either so I mean they got it from her but it was nothing like what I got, even for things I didnt do. I felt clueless on why that was. Again only coming to one thing that I was bad.. hated unwanted... or that I was just an it.. and nothing but.. As I got older when my teachers would get really mad from me acting out for doing drugs or trying to run away saying mean things testing the rules just so I would not have to go to school, they would ask what happened but I knew from the first social worker I told that my dad hit me once and I didnt have anything to eat in 5 days. Went through the front window that day... I am sure he had fun explaining that to my grandma on why the window was broken.. Never opened my mouth at school again or to social workers. My teachers would some times throw me up against the wall in anger. That was nothing just like them screaming in my face that was nothing. I had one teacher that took me to her office and would touch me all the time and when I finally had enough I refused to go with her for so called help and flipped my desk in class so I would be sent to the office, anything to not have to be near her. I was sent to social skills at another school. I went there and said nothing which got me in trouble for not talking I was bullied none stop bc I would not talk and was a loner which then again would get my in trouble. I would be grounded which meant I was not allowed to eat, and if I didnt eat at lunch time I was in trouble.. There was alot of things that would get me in trouble... I would be told to stay inside vs going outside to play.. not like I cared... I just hated being watched by teachers... and having to be trapped in one spot.. The one day a student noticed that I had bad bruising and she went and told social skills, cas was called.. And before I knew it CAS had me in  a room that lead to the teachers washroom so that she could take pictures.. I was so not up for that.. So shamefully I followed what she said, lift your shirt up turn, pull your pants down some k turn.. A teacher walked in when the cas worker said anything on your back, and when she turned me they both saw the belt marks from the beating I got the night before.. The teacher was in shocked I guess and she said oh my god, thats sick. and she left.. The Cas worker asked how did that happened.. the best thing I could come up with... I did it myself... I hurt myself when I am upset... Like really. She took me out of school to be interviewed by a police officer, was so not going to talk to him but I wanted out of there. So I gave him a little so I could leave. I didnt say anything about the abuse, I just told him about my brothers step mom who had a new boyfriend and when I went over and was waiting for her, he started moving close rubbing up against me.. and being so used to this I didnt fight I just let it happen... So he got what he wanted.. so I told. But the cop did nothing about it, so that guy moved and I heard that he was arrested for rapping other young adults ages 13-17 years. I was happy he was caught, but I felt that if they listened then the girls he raped it would have never have happened. So I do blame myself. 
I just want to understand why.. Why did it happen to me, why did I think it was normal, and why did it take me so long to notice it, and kept trying to reason with people saying oh it was an accident or its nothing.. But they knew.. I wonder from all the people that have abused me my father, my uncle, my step mom, my step moms step dad, other guys I dont know my dads friends, guys I thought I could trust, teachers, a police officer, boy friends.. I just wonder at times if at some point I did ask for it and just dont remember or if I had this sign that said please abuse or go ahead I wont tell... It makes me wonder. All the hurt and all the games and things I have seen had to do, and what was done.. I just dont understand and I guess I just really want to know why. It happened... Even though I really dont think I will ever know.. I just feel like knowing would help me just pretend it was all ok...
It took me watching other people to see how to act and what people where really like, and that somethings that I was told where so wrong. Having to get over asking to use the bathroom, and freaking out over broken glass, or grounding really does not mean you dont get food.. there was alot of things that I had to relearn but the memories never leave. The scares are deep and I wish that I could forget everything and pretend that it never happened. but it never happens I cant forget what I wish I could instead things I thought I forgot about come up and then its like I was hit with a low blow. I wish there was a forget me pill where if you took it all the bad stuff would be forgotten.. Really I would not care if it took all the memories good or bad away as long as I forget the bad stuff I would be ok.. But that is not life, and there is no pill and shock is no longer around, and I doubt that it would really work anyways...
So to keep moving on and learning to deal with the hurt and pain, will have to be my understanding, just that it happened so that I would have to fight to deal with the hurt and pain from it all, to get stronger to help others.. But I will never really know why it happened... and asking would never get me the answer instead it would land me back into the same spot I was in before I ran away. guess being out of the abuse is great and I am happy for that, but it feels like I am still living the nightmare.