Just another day

I've been approved to visit my husband.  It's been over a month since he's been gone.  I'm excited but at the same time I don't want to go.  It's only three hours away so it's not a far drive.  It's just I don't want to see him there.  Right now I'm just making it through the day pretending he's at work and pretending that none of this is happening.  Even our phone calls don't pertain to the situation, so it's just like he's calling from work to check up on me or something.  He really wants me to visit. And I can't tell him no. I'm not sure he'd completely understand where I'm coming from and why it hurts to see him.  It's not that I don't love him.  I do love him. 
And I'm working on the forgetting part of forgive and forget.  I get angry at the fact that he's not here and won't be here for the next two years but I'm more angry at the draconian system that seems like it's better to put people in a prison, surround them with other people who've made bad decisions, and expect that to somehow rehabilitate them.  I'm afraid that instead of him coming out a better man it's going to do the opposite.  He was such a soft, gentle man and I'm afraid he'll come out hard.   Which is why I need to see him.  Hopefully the more I talk, write (which I send a letter everyday of the week except sunday's), and visit, the more he'll stay the same.  The thought of seeing him there makes me sick to my stomach.  
I've also been listening to Weezer and Best Coast nonstop.  When we first started dating four years ago, those were our soundtrack.  It helps and yet hurts.  All I can think about is what if I could go back those four years.  All the little things I could have done differently, would it have changed our situation?  Would we be living life elsewhere with none of this ridiculousness happening?  Would we even have ended up together?  I want to live in one of those timelines.  This is definitely the darkest timeline.