Good Morning, I don't know where to begin, it has been a few days since I sat down and really got onto to ds. But today I came on to share with you all what is going on in my life. First, I hope I do not offend anyone, and secondly this jouranl is a reflection of my walk in grief and my walk in my life right now. I come here to write to get the things out of my head. When I seem to sit and write on paper the paper gets wet from crying. Now the tears are not always tears of sadness but can at time be tears of joy.

 14 years ago I met the Lord as my savior and he is the only way I am making it through these days. So I must say thank you and acknowledge his presence in my life. It is by his grace and strength  that gets me through the day. I know that it is the Lord that introduced each of my friends here at DS.  I know some of you do not know HIM As their Savior, I also know some of you are angry and bitter at him, I also know that you doubt that there is a God. But I do believe that there is a GOd and that he died for each of us, and that our sins can be forgiven.  And he hasn't not forgotten us and what we are going through he is there.

Ok, so what has been going on Eileen's life. Well she has been very lonely. And I guess when we are healing we feel all sorts of stuff. Just don't ever forget we must go though it all to get out of the tunnel. The tunnell has no secret enterence for a quick escape. I think that I keep looking for the emergency exit. Because I want it to end now. I want to be over with. I want to move on. But until I go through the complete tunnel I will never be healed. And I won't be able to play on the otherside of the tunnel.

Last night, I was crying and thinking this has to stop I picked up my bible and started to read. God showed me that no matter what I will go through he will be there. I was reading about the first disciples of christ and how they were getting perscuted for telling others about CHrist. How they were put in jail, for their belief. Now jail isn't the greatest place to be. I never was there. But I have spent time in jails visiting and studying for college. (for those of you who don't know  I wanted to be a federal agent) So jail is not a good place to be. Any way God protected them and free them. As I was reading how God was there with them, the spirit reminded me that he is here with me. And that he has not left me. And he wants to free me from this. But it must be in his time not mine.

So lonliness, we all know the word and some of us have or are living with that in our lives.

I was reflecting on my lonliness: I started asking myself what is all this lonliness about. Why am I fretting about the lonliness? All these and more were running through my mind.

Right now my life has become like an empty box. But it is not really empty, it just doesn't have all the things that I want inside the box. SO is it me in the center of the box. So I took a shoe box out of my closet. And I started to examine it. The sides where all there. Equal sized and the box had a bottom and a lid. Then I cried and said when Harry was here I had a life full of being his care taker, his wife, his lover, and his best friend. When he died all that died to. So now a year in half later I don't have that in my box. But I have other things. The box really isn't empty. And why am I trying to fill the box so quickly. And what does GOd want in that box. Does he want me to laugh and dance again yes. Does, he want me just staring at an empty box. I don't really think so. But when lonliness comes inside of you that is really all you see an empty box. I think I might have to begin to look outside the box. Life just can't be an empty like the depression makes you feel. Before the box was empty the shoes where there. Now the box is ready for me to use it ast some other form of holding things. Who knows it could be a treasure that I never expected.

SO this morning I wake up and go to my devotions. And what does God give me a lesson on celebrating my relationship with him. And having an intimidate relationship with him. And then the worksheet was for singles and writing a list on all the things that you want to do that you never did. Oh I will try this because there are things I wanted to try and never did because I got married. So here are few I will write the complete list when it is compiled. But I do believe I need to start focussing on what can go in the box  or what it is outside the box instead of the emptiness.

1. Go on a missions trip

2. GO to California

3. See Paris and IReland

4. Start a bible study in home

Well this what I have come up with. Just a few my box may be empty but it won't be empty forever. Because GOd is here and he will protect, suppy and help me get through the days.