PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE NOT IN GOOD MOOD. I AM VENTING. I AM SO MAD I COULD JUST SCREAM AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND SPIT BULLETS. I JUST GOT IN A HUGE FIGHT WITH ONE OF MY VENDORS. I WILL NOT TOLERATE HIS INCOMPENTANT WAYS. AND I WILL NOT PAY HIM FOR A JOB THAT IS NOT DONE. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY. SO NOW I AM GETTING IN MY CAR AND DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. AND I MIGHT JUST STOP AND THE STORE AND PICK UP A BOTTLE. HEY IT HAS BEEN YEARS. SO WHY NOT LET MY SELF GET IN A DRUNKEN STUPID. AFTER THIS WEEK I FEEL LIKE DRINKING AFTER 12 YEARS OF BEING OFF. BUT THE QUESTION HERE IS WILL I PROBALLY NOT LOVE GOD TO MUCH. I JUST HAD TO YELL, AND SCREAM, AT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. LIFE REALLY STINKS. AND I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. BOY THE SHOE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER FOOT. BUT GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING. AND FOR EVERY SEASON THERE IS A REASON. HA HA. I CAN'T SEEM TO LIFT OUT OF THIS FOG. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN BEFORE I STAMP MY FEET OUT OF HERE. I HAVE TURNED OFF THE PHONES. I WILL GO TO MY FATHER IN LAW AND FEED HIM. AND THEN WHERE EVER THE CAR TAKES ME I AM THERE. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE RIGHT NOW. TO JUMP UP AND DOWN AND SCREAM, AGAIN I WRITE THIS STATEMENT. KINDA LIKE A TWO YR OLD WITH A TEMPER TANTRUM. BUT LET ME TELL YOU. I DID NOT ASK TO LIVE THIS LIFE. I DID NOT ASK TO BE A WIDDOW. I DID NOT ASK TO BE ALONE. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE MOM,. I DIDN'T ASK TO WORK AT A JOB WHERE I SMELL DIESEL SMOKE ALL DAY LONG. I DIDN'T ASK FOR A LIFE FULL OF UP AND DOWNS. IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. OH YEAH I AM THIS HAPPY GO LUCKY GIRL. WHO IS ALWAYS OUT TO PLEASE SOMEONE. I VOLUNTEER FOR MORE STUFF THAN I HAVE TIME FOR. I AM BROKE AFTER I GET THE PAYCHECK. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. WHEN WILL I LAUGH AND BE HAPPY. WHEN WILL I KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES ME FOR ME. OH I KNOW WHEN THAT WILL BE IT WILL BE THE DAY I AM DEAD. LYING AT THE FOOT OF MY SAVIOR. HAVING PEACE, NO HEART ACHE, ONLY JOY, I SURE WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SIN. BECAUSE SIN ISN'T THERE IN HEAVEN. I WILL NO LONGER HAVE THESE INNER WARS THAT I NOW LIVE WITH. BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DIED. AND YES I CAN SAY THAT AND NOT CRY. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I KNOW THAT IS THE LIFE I LEAD. A WOMEN WHOSE HUSBAND DIED ON JUNE 11 2006 YES THAT IS RIGHT 2006, SO WHY DO I FEEL THE HEART ACHE STILL. THE DAY HE DIED WAS A NORMAL SUN. HOT AND SUNNY AND WHEN HE WAS GOING TO SEE HIS SAVIOR, I WAS WORSHIPPING HIS SAVIOR IN CHURCH. BECAUSE AS HE PUT IT"GOD NEEDS YOU THERE." "NOT HERE IN THE HOSPITAL" SO BY THE TIME I GOT THERE I WAS ALONE, NO MORE A WIFE BUT A WIDDOW. AND THERE HE LAID SO PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEEP STAGE. FINALLY NO MORE PAIN!!!!! SO NO MORE PAIN  FOR HIM. I PRAYED THAT EVERY DAY FOR 13 YEARS. AND THAN IT HAPPENED IN JUST A SECOND. I HATE DR.'S AND LAWYERS, AND INSURANCE COMPANIES. THEY HAVE LEFT ME WITH NO MONEY AND NO HUSBAND, AND A SINGLE MOM. OH BOY JUST WHAT I WANTED TO BE. I CAN'T BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I SAID I DO WANT TO BE A MOM. WHILE I CARRIED MY SON. BUT THEN GOD SAID THIS IS YOUR GIFT FROM ME. I WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE YOU NEED TO BE A MOM. HA HA. I DON'T HAVE THAT STRENGTH TODAY. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO HOME TO THAT HOUSE. SPEAKING OF THAT HOUSE. HAVE I TOLD YOU I HATE THAT HOUSE. I HATE EACH AND EVERY ROOM. I HATE THE JUNK, I HATE THE COLOR. I HATE IT!!! CAN I MOVE. THE ANSWER IS NO NO, AND THAN NO AGAIN. I CAN'T GET THE RENT AT LOWER PRICE. SO WHY LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH. SO I STAY IN THE HOUSE AND HATE IT. I WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY. WHY CAN'T IT GO AWAY. I MEAN WOULDN'T LIFE BE EASIER, IF WE COULD START A NEW LIFE WHEN OUR LOVE ONES DIE. OK, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, WE DO HAVE A NEW LIFE. AND YES I AM NOT THE SAME AS I WAS IN JUNE OF 06. I SAY 2006 AGAIN THINK THAT CALENDAR SAY 2008 WHY AM I STILL JUMPING LIKE A CRAZY WOMEN. OK, YEST I AM CRAZY. I AM INSANE AS A MATTER OF FACT. NO ONE CAN READ MY MIND OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING INSIDE. I WANT OUT IS THERE A STAIR WAY I CAN CLIMB TO GET OUT OF THIS LIFE I SO AM LIVING. GOD DOESN'T MAKE IT THAT EASY. I MEAN LOOK AT JOB IN THE BIBLE, HE HAD IT ROUGH HE LOST EVERYTHING. AND HIS FRIENDS SAT THERE TELLING HIM HOW HE CAN HE BE SO FAITHFUL TO HIS GOD. YET EVEN KNOW DEPRESSION SET IN, HE WAS FAITHFUL. I SOMETIMES WISH I WAS THAT WAY. I MEAN DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS ATTACKS AND MAKES US ALL SEE THINGS IN WEIRD WAYS. ANY ONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED DEPRESSION KNOWS IT IS ILLNESS. AND IT CAN AFFECT YOU JUST AS HARD IF THE DOC TOLD YOU HAD CANCER. I AM DEVASTATED AT THIS MOMENT. NO PANIC ATTACK AT THIS MOMENT. BUT WITH WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD I AM SURE IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN ANY MOMENT. OH BOY LOOK WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TOO. I AM SO EXCITED TO KNOW THAT IS AROUND THE CORNER. AT LEAST I KNOW IT IS COMING NOT LIKE THE DEATH. I HAD NO IDEA MY  HUSBAND WAS GOING TO DIE. SO DOES THAT SEEM FAIR. NO NO NO NO. I AM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ON THIS FRIDAY AFTERNOON. I GOT TO LEAVE NOW. SO IF YOU READ THIS FAR. DON'T WORRY I AM VENTING!!!!