It has been days since I wrote here. Not because I have been down, but because things have been busy. And I have been trying to turn in early. Well I wanted to share just a few things with you all. Being stuck in grief: sometimes we allow ourselves to stand in the middle of the circle not moving in any direction. If we find ourselves still crying, still unenergized, still mad at God, still questioning why?, still sitting in denial, still not ready to let go and deal with the situation. then we are stuck in a certain part of our grief. Well, today I am going to try and see where inside I need to change. what do I have to look at what needs to be changed. Sometimes, I think of what life would be like if Harry was still here. My son says that the biggest time he misses his dad is during football season. I know it will never be the same and I agreed with him. Harry, Matt, and I were football fever fans from August to Feb. We lived it, ate it, and experienced it. But I am no way the same way my husband was when it came to that sport. I am who I am. B elieve in team work and believe in supporting your home team. Sometimes I  think what will life be like in the future. I imagine that one day I will be a missionary somewhere for God. God is molding me for that. Even my son sees that happening. I am scared but yet excited. I wander where and why he has chosen me but I know it is because he loves me. My father in law is home and I am helping my sister in law in taking care of him. At first I was filled with bitterness and angry that she took him out of the home. I just didn't think we could take care of him on our own. His dimentia is getting worst. Some days are better than others. ANd I am not into the sundown. Where he gets angry and mean. But somehow spending time with him these last few days, has been a help to me, Matt, and him. We get to talk about all sorts of stuff. Sometimes he knows who I am sometimes he has no clue. But it doesn't really matter, he is my husbands dad. And if Harry was alive we would probally be living with him. So I need to do what I can. I have realized that I do have one problem and that is saying the word NO. I somehow find myself in more projects that I can handle. And if Harry could see me now he would laugh. Saying "JUST SAY NO" I couldn't do that when drugs where be introduced to me as a teen. And I can't say it now when it comes to doing something. My calendar is book now till Feb. that is so sad. My dear friend gets so upset with me, because I never do anything"just for me". He says it drives him crazy that I don't care of myself first. But i just don't know why I do this or how to change it. Now one thing grief has taught me is that when the walls are caving in and I am standing there trying to hold them up from falling on top of me, I need to stop for a moment and do something just for me. I am what matters. SO if i need 5 minutes of peace, or five minutes of crying or yelling so be it. I need to do it. And I do take that time to me to help rebuild the wall or straightern up my emotions.Oh I am babbling today, sorry friends. I just have a bunch of stuff running through my head. I am looking around and counting the many blessings that I have. SOmetimes we miss the small stuff and miss the little things that matter. We want to feel better, and we want the quick fix. Well there is no quick fix not to any problem, or any situation. If you believe it is like cooking in the microwave you are wrong. And the fast heat only adds bubbles and crust on the side, because of the unbalence heat in our situation. I know time also is not my time table. This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. ANd for those people who say get over it, you should be fine they don't know I will never be fine again. I am never going to be the same EIleen again. But you know what I don't really care about that. I just want to take each day as it comes.