It has a been a few days since I really sat and wrote in this journal. Sometimes I feel I just can't put into words all that is going on inside of this lil ol body that I have. An emotional roller coaster has been happening the last few days. I went to the grave and finally got out of the car to see if the marker was correct. (I have been there two other times and couldn't get out of the car.) I didn't want to see his name, see his birth or see his death. Not that it was the final realization he is gone. Just didn't want to look at it. He is not there it is just a grave. But I somehow feel I owed it to him, to the others to have his name placed on a tomb stone. Harry would never have cared. He wasn't into the cementary thing. So many crazy things have been going on. My inlaws for one. Now I am not going to bash them. I am just going to say. I don't understand them. Made a big dinner for them on SUnday and it was nice. But everyone was there. And it felt so weird with out pop. (my father in law) He is in nursing home for the time being. But that is a long story. I on the otherhand feel so helpless. I feel like I am nobody when it comes to all the decisions being made. I feel like I am being pushed out. Yes, my husband died. Yes, I am just the daughter in law. But that is my son's grandfather. I think my son is being robbed by God. Oh did I just say that. My mom died so my son does not have her. My mother in law is the nursing home and lays there in the fetal position, just cooing like a baby. SHe is been there 11 years. So he doesn't have her. Now my father in law. And my dad well that is another story to busy with his own life. I really need to talk to him about that. But I am still mad at him. It has been a week since we last talked and I just want to tell him off. But GOd tells me not to speak in anger so I am not calling or emailing him right now.  I just think it is not fair to Matt. I guess in God's own way he is teaching Matt to depend on Him and he can be his everything. Which I just don't get that statement.I am feeling good. And I love this weather. I am definitly a fall person. If I had my way I would be outdoors all day in this kind of weather. I love the trees changing colors. As I look at this grief process and what it was like a year ago when I was complete mess. I didn't want to look at anything on the outside kinda missed the whole season last year. Now, when I look at it I see the change  I am changing, I will never be the same. Like the trees I am dropping things out of my life as the leaves fall to the ground. saying goodbye is not easy. As the chill begins in the air. I feel warmth of the things that bless me each and every day. more later got to run.