It has been days since I wrote, I have been here checking out the site. But not writing in the journal because I just haven't had time. DS. Can be time consuming and we do need to organize our time to be productive. But I know there are days when we just can't or just don't want to leave the bed. That is normal, and it is ok. So I know I am feeling better. Because I did something the other day that was accomplishment for me. It was something I have not done that should have been done the first month but I felt no need to do it. My husband was on worker's comp. Which is not a great thing but not a bad thing. It is very frustrating, for those who are really hurt and can not work. It is sad and filled with a lot of legal an unfair practices. I at one point of my life was the vp for injured workers, trying to lobby against the laws. I know they need laws, because there are so many people who play the system. But what about the people who do not. The law in my state has changed since my husband got hurt. And I do believe if he had waited to see a specialist for the amount aloud now by law he would have been dead. It was the grace of GOD he didn't die that day. You never really understand anything until you go through it. WHy worry about a work injury and the law if you are healthy and working. Well, we had to hire a lawyer to get any money. So when my husband died I contacted the lawyer, and told him to notify them, Well for the last 15 months they have continued to send checks to him. On his anniv. of his death that was the only mail I recieved. A check written to him, that I can not cash. I being stubborn refused to do anything with them. I just put them in an envelope. Because I am not allowed by law to cash them. Now tell me how tempting is that. A bunch of money just sitting there. And I can't have it. I contacted the lawyer several times, and he said he did contact them. But for some reason the checks keep coming. So yesterday I mailed the checks to the lawyer with a nice note. And a letter to workers comp with a copy of death certificate. A big step for me. This was hard, but I did it. I tell you in 15 months I just didn't have the energy to deal with any of my husbands affairs. Well maybe this next month I will go through his files and paper work. It just brings to many memories of pain, which gives me lack of energy and motivation and it doesn't help me move on. But I feel different now. I finally feel I can accomplish these steps. It is one step but that is what we are suppose to be doing taking this process one step at a time. If we run we will fall deeper in to the well. Ok I am babbling, and I haven't given you the last two steps of the Praying your goodbyes: Step 3 Ritualization doing the same thing thing to get the emotions and stuff out and seeking what is ordinary thing to do. Now, this step I really had to meditate on. What have I been doing for the last 15 months, to make seem like the ordinary. What have I been doing to be a ritual for honoring my memory of my husband. I didn't want him to be forgotten, I didn't want him to fade away to some distant memory, I wanted something that would last and now I must laugh because I realize Love like that nevers dies, it lives with in each of us. It is a part of us. They were part of us. And even know he physically is not there standing at my side, he lives with in my heart. THANK GOD I HAD THAT TIME WITH HIM. So during the ritualization stage this is what I came up with. 1. going to grave2. sharing meals with others who knew him3. Looking at pictures4. driving the car to places we been5. writing in this journalAnd in step I must remember to do things in my walk of grief to remember the sorrow that is here. I can't run away and hide, nor get to busy to not see and feel. But to climb out and do rituals that will help me see it all. The big picture of him dieing and the big picture of what is it. Now the fourth step comes fast and it could be the quickest step or it could linger on and on. But it is necessary to help in this healing process. Reorientaion "a new life' Know there is pain and know there will be healing. And with all pain there is healing. Now when I look at the word healing. One I wander if it will ever happen or two if it is happening. GOD PROMISES US HEALING.The image I portrayed in this step is a small child falls off his bike, and scrapes his knee. he runs to his mom with tears in his eyes, banged up knees, blood around and he just knows it is the worst thing ever. The mother cleans up the cut. gives him a kiss, and gentle applies the medicine and the bandaid. And gives him a hug and sends him on his way.Well here I am the small child, fallen into greif, not by choice, just like the child, crying saying this is the worst thing ever. THe blood is not on the out side. But inside, I have medical problems, lack of sleep, depression, tears, lack of esteem...... Sitting there crying I go to my heavenly father, and I get angry at GOd for allowing this to happen, to putting me in this situation. But then GOd gently touches me. and gives me reassurance. He puts the medicine around the wound. By supplying his word, his love and friends and family who really love me. He places reminders along the way. that I will be ok. And then he sends me a bright moon at night and as it shines in my window, it is a reminder HE IS THERE.
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Hi Eileen, Like you I haven\'t written in my journal for a while and when I woke up and went to check my messages I saw where you had written in yours, you sound so good. You are healing and so am I. This is a good place to write our feelings down and hopefully it can help others to read. I know it has helped me to hear your heart ...to know there will be struggles but He is faithful to bring us thru. Keep allowing The Holy Spirit to comfort you there is healing awaiting all of us. Last night I read in my devotions Luke 6:21 \" Blessed are you who weep now For you shall laugh.\" One day we will laugh and be happy again. Your friend, Nancy
Ask your lawyer about becoming a voluntary adminstratrix - you will be able to cash the checks.
I havent writtenin my journal either so busy these days, as the year starts to come to and end, bitter memories haunt me.. especially the day after xmas, that is when all this started, Lous sickness and death. just know its coming and need to prepare my self emotionally.. HUGs. there has to be a way to cash those checks of his.. why do they keep sending ? HUGS