Can love conquear all????What can we be with out our husbands. I hate that word widdow. It brings bitter sorrow to my soul. Harry left to early, and I was not prepared to be a mother of a preteen. I feel like looser with no purpose now. I know my son needs me. But as each day goes by I see the distance and walls we have placed in front of each other. Why did this happen. Why do I feel so inadequate to the world around me? God seems so far away from me right now. I hate when that happens.
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You are FAR from a loser...yes, the word widow bitters the soul, hurts and makes us angry...it\'s almost as though when we say the ugly word, we think our mom is going to come and wash out our mouths for using such a foul word. I hate the looks that come with it when you have to say it...PITY...makes me want to hurl. And the walls you speak of? Christina and I have them too...can see and feel them, as we are growing apart, and no matter what I do to try to stop it, it just keeps happening. We love each other without a shadow of a doubt, but the connection is not the same. You are NOT inadequate, it just feels that way. You feel like this as half of your heart and soul are missing, but you and I, we still have a purpose here. What that is, I do not know, but someday the answer will be given to us...to every cloud, there is a silver lining...I used to hate to hear those words come from my mother\'s mouth...but she was always right, and the sun will shine again, and the storm will pass...just seems as though this has been a long and treacherous storm, we have had enough, we could stand to see and feel the sunshine once again.
I know why you are feeling like you are stumbling backwards out of control...you lost your hubby one year ago this month, your mind replays the events over and over in your head as though it is happening right at this very moment, and once again, it still has the same outcome, and yet again, you feel as though you have failed him, you cannot stop it from happening, you aren\'t able to save his life and it kills and takes your very soul with...you are dealing with all the flashbacks, the why\'s, what if\'s, could\'ve, should\'ve, would\'ves. Your heart is shattering all over again, anger is building, regrets are coming, and you feel so helpless to stop any of it. You feel as though your world is crashing around you and that there is no purpose to being here.......OH, HOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AND FEELING WITHOUT YOU EVEN SAYING AS MUCH......but I am here to tell you, that you DO have a purpose, just as I do, together, hand in hand we shall seek and find our purpose, ok? I got your back! :o)
You and I both need to start mending the fences with our teenagers before we lose them too...I know that is hard for you to hear, as it is hard for me to write it, let alone admit it. I am not trying to hurt you, just trying to face some reality that is before us...I know you love your son with everything you have in you and then some, and you would fight, even kill if any one or thing were to harm him, as I would for mine...so we need to pull up the boot straps and make some changes. I know it won\'t happen over night, but it can and will happen. I have faith in that. Again, hand in hand, we will do this together...got it? :o)
Yes, God seems far away at times, but as I have learned, He is ALWAYS there, we just need to learn patience as He will answer.
In answer to your question, \"What can we be without our husbands?\"......We CAN be strong, we CAN be who we were meant to be, we CAN be all that we ever wanted to be, we CAN and WILL make our husbands proud of us, we CAN make our names \"MRS. SO&SO\" stand out in a crowd...WE CAN BE AWESOME PEOPLE, yes, we are WIDOWS, but WE ARE STRONG! We CAN do this, if we don\'t we will die a long and painful death, and we DON\'T want that! Here is something I was once told by a 97 year old woman that I took care of...once I said \"I can\'t\" to something one day, and she, as little as she was, stood up, put her finger in my face and said \"There is NO such thing as can\'t...you either don\'t know how, or you just don\'t want to! NOW, come with me, and I will show you how!\" I will never forget those words...
So, come on, fly back off your island...go there myself at times too, and it IS ok to go there, just don\'t make it a permanent address, because the pity party will cause that long and painful death I was talking about...fly back here and let\'s start making a NAME and PLACE for us here in the real world.
Yes, I am going to take my own advice, and be SOMEBODY...want to be known for more then \"The young widow woman on the corner\"....
REMEMBER...HAND IN HAND! Love and HUGE HUGS, Kat
You are feeling down today. I am so sorry. Start tearing down those walls before they become a fortress that can\'t be moved. It is so important to keep your communication open with your son. You are in my prayers.
Eileen, I\'m sorry you feel so bad. but at the same time, I understand!
I agree with \'family\' ... break down those walls, even if it means getting some help, going for family counseling. Pre-teen is one thing, but TEEN is quite another. You will definitely need a solid, open communication with your boy once he\'s a teen. Praying that you find a way (and.... the ENERGY). God cares about you - deeply and affectionately and is only a whisper away.