Back again, because I just need to write. I am walking around saying what is my purpose, What is my plan? Why is God allowing all these different situations to come into play. As I sit and ponder on the events that have shaped me who I am I thank God for these events. The sorrow and pain of loosing someone, when you thought they would be here for awhile, just doesn't make sense. Or does it. I believe it does. I feel a lot stronger today then I did last year. I feel much closer to my Lord than last year. I feel as if I could handle this situation of being a young widdow. What other things does GOD have enstored for me. Being young widdow is not to go saying one of the hardest trials I had to face. I now feel I can begin to start doing what needs to be done. I am no longer in that mummy state. But yet, I proceed with caution because of the unexpected events that will happen. Although, I never thought Harry would die 6 years to early. We always knew it would end. The injury would take control and kill him. But we believed he would have the time of the teen years with his son. That is why I say 6 years. If we don't expect death, then why do we prepare ourselves for our mansions in eternity. When death happens our life is turned upside down and backwards. We must decide the new road we will take. The question here is do we journey on a road full of bumps and questions and fears, and frustration. Or do we just adapt to the situation the best that we know how. I don't just want to adapt. I want to live again, sing again, and shout from the mountain tops with joy, and love again. This has really made me think. Have I done everything to the best of my ability. WHat needs to change? What do I want to do with the rest of my life. I was his caregiver for so long, that I really lost my idenity of who I was. I realized this last night. I really need to make some changes. I really need to step up to the plate and begin to change. So where do I go. If I had that answer I would be there now. I am going to write a list and I guess I will begin there. One day at a time is the expression. But truthly who can live one day at a time. Not me never have been one for that philosphy. And I definitly don't live for the moment. Even know I truely want to. I want to take steps that will glorify the Lord. But so tempted the other way. I want to live life to the fullest. But when looking at the day to day things, I don't really think I am doing that. So how do change? Writing here is such a therapy for me. It gets things into perspective. I am very thankful I can express how I feel and I have the freedoms I have. Walking a mile in someone elses shoes, can help. Focusing on others, releases the pain. But the pocket is empty and the glass is empty. It ineeds to be filled. So I can move on. Funny how I thought it would be different. I just don't see the future bright. I just see a motionless individual, that can't make a decision to save her life. The light bulb went on in my brain. God has placed  His love around me. The darkness I walked in last month. Is moving and growing to dim, for the light bulb has turned on and I must move on.....