The weekend flew by. And it was a little rough on me. I some how can't seem to express all that is going on inside of me. One minute I feel like I am healing and the next I am an emotional wreck. My son, tries his best not to set me off. I know he really is missing his dad too. I wish he would talk to me. But he refuses to. I think he is afraid to set my tears off. I tell him to talk, but he just doesn't say a word. I know he has feelings, I just wish i knew. And then there is my other son, who has written us off. I want to call him and yell and scream at him. But that doesn't help the matter. I know this. So I don't even to pick up the phone. Why to get an answering machine. He chose this way. I can't bring myself to do it. We had so many problems him and I before his dad died. He knew I did not like his lifestyle. SO now I feel like I abdandomed him. I know my husband would want me to try and have some sort of relationship with him. But I feel like he just doesn't want to be in our lives. He said he would always be there for his brother. That is a joke. It has been 10 months since my son has seen or heard from him. matt even made a comment the other day. Matt won't call him. I just can't even tell Matt he should. I don't know what to do.???? SHould I force ourselves on him. The last talk we shared he said I just can't come to the house. I respected that 10 months ago but I can't respect that now. I realize he too is grieving. He too has regrets. But he was my husband's first son. My husband often felt he failed, his son and always was trying to make up for it when he was an adult. I just want him to be a part of my son's life. I can't change the fact his father died. If I could do you think I would live with out my husband. I can not walk his shoes and I won't walk those shoes. I will not try. I guess that is a little of pride. I do communicate with his wife, by email. but even they are a little and few between. I know she tries her best to keep the lines going. I also know her shoes are heavy and she loves my son more than anything. She is the best thing to happen to him. I am not sure if he treats her like a queen, but he should. My heart is broken for this situation. I pray that one day the LOrd will work on all our hearts.