Friday again, Well I am just sitting here thinking how fast this week flew by and how thankful I am it did.
I have been thinking of my husband all week long. ANd how my life has changed so much. I have become the worst house cleaner or should I say I don't care what the house looks like. Yesterday I paid someone to come in and clean only the main rooms. It needed to be done. I wander why when my husband was alive I worked full time, made sure the house sparkled, cooked a full course dinner 6 nights a week, Made sure he had everything he needed before I left for work, took care of him, took care of my son. And now I just don't have the energy. It just doesn't make sense to me. I wander if I will ever get that energy or motivation to do that stuff again. My son doesn't even care if it is not done. He is always afraid of seeing me freak out. He is doing his own thing. This is starting to bother me. When I question him on stuff he blows me off. And I feel when I tell him to do something, I have to say three or four times, or until I freak out. Talk about annoying. It was never like that with him and I before. SO if this is what teen years are all about I am not ready for that. I also wander if this time would be different if dad was still here. I just don't know. And I keep picturing my husband in his chair. Talking and just being him.
I am not down today, because I feel really blessed. Which I guess is part of healing. When I clutter mind with all that anger of Why??? WHy did he have to die so soon??? I feel my heart getting faster, and palms getting sweaty. And the anger takes control. So I try not question the anger. I do how ever allow myself to cry for the lonliness. I finaly know what that word truely means. WHen you are truely lonely in a room full of crowded people, it really stinks. I allow myself to cry. Don't hold it in because it will only destruct you from the inside out. I also know that with out having Harry in my life I probally wouldn't have had all those great memories, and felt the love he gave me.
Walk each step, with a smile, because if you sit and think of all those blessing around you I know it make you feel GOd's joy.
I have been thinking of my husband all week long. ANd how my life has changed so much. I have become the worst house cleaner or should I say I don't care what the house looks like. Yesterday I paid someone to come in and clean only the main rooms. It needed to be done. I wander why when my husband was alive I worked full time, made sure the house sparkled, cooked a full course dinner 6 nights a week, Made sure he had everything he needed before I left for work, took care of him, took care of my son. And now I just don't have the energy. It just doesn't make sense to me. I wander if I will ever get that energy or motivation to do that stuff again. My son doesn't even care if it is not done. He is always afraid of seeing me freak out. He is doing his own thing. This is starting to bother me. When I question him on stuff he blows me off. And I feel when I tell him to do something, I have to say three or four times, or until I freak out. Talk about annoying. It was never like that with him and I before. SO if this is what teen years are all about I am not ready for that. I also wander if this time would be different if dad was still here. I just don't know. And I keep picturing my husband in his chair. Talking and just being him.
I am not down today, because I feel really blessed. Which I guess is part of healing. When I clutter mind with all that anger of Why??? WHy did he have to die so soon??? I feel my heart getting faster, and palms getting sweaty. And the anger takes control. So I try not question the anger. I do how ever allow myself to cry for the lonliness. I finaly know what that word truely means. WHen you are truely lonely in a room full of crowded people, it really stinks. I allow myself to cry. Don't hold it in because it will only destruct you from the inside out. I also know that with out having Harry in my life I probally wouldn't have had all those great memories, and felt the love he gave me.
Walk each step, with a smile, because if you sit and think of all those blessing around you I know it make you feel GOd's joy.
Replies
I understand all these feelings and know it\'s not easy. The single parenting part is probably one of the hardest things for me. Hang in there Eileen and continue to count your blessings - as you do. God promises to be the husband to the widow and father to the fatherless. Cast your cares on Him ...