Thinking a lot, do you ever sit and think, think, think. It is very hard for me to stop thinking. Thinking about tomorrow, thinking about the past, thinking about what should have been, what might have been, what could be. THINK!!!!
As I am thinking staring at the calendar I think about today's date. IT would have been my parents 49th anniv. Well, that would have been a long marriage. But GOd took her home many years ago. I know my dad is probally having a bad day. But I really don't know what to say. Because I miss her too. I want to cry on her shoulder for my loss. I want her to tell me all is going to be ok. But that is not going to happen. Am I mad, no not really just thinking about some little ol'self pity. She was the best mother anyone could have. And she still lives in the hearts of her love ones. I see her in so many people around me. I guess That is why I know she left part of herself with us. She had a big impact on my brothers and me. ANd yes, I hate the fact my husband never knew her or my son doesn't know his grandmother. He doesn't have any grandmothers. And I feel for him on that. I had two great grandmothers. Who were a big part of my life. Two grandmothers who prayed for me daily. As I write this I am crying. I just feel blah, I don't want to feel blah. I want to be happy again or at least normal. I dread going home. I feel so alone at home. I look at my son, and I feel miles away from him. Being a preteen and everything, he is starting to push me out of his life. I don't want that. I question him, and he stares like I am the alien. I am going through my own stuff. I don't have the motivation. I come to work to work. And praise the Lord I am not that busy. But that is not a good thing. It gives me more time to think. I know I am dieing inside. Physically I am sick. In the last two months, I have been throwing up. And the docs don't know why. I haven't lost weight. And I need that to happen. I am dealing with headaches, stomach pains, teath pain, and the list goes on. I am venting, so no need to comment on my health. I am just so tired. Tired of not feeling well. And I wander if God is showing me how harry felt when he was sick. So now I have guilt that I wasn't a good caregiver to him. Oh it is all so frustating. Well I guess I will close for now. To go and try and get stuff done, and stop thinking all THESE CRAZY THOUGHTS. To much time on my hands.
As I am thinking staring at the calendar I think about today's date. IT would have been my parents 49th anniv. Well, that would have been a long marriage. But GOd took her home many years ago. I know my dad is probally having a bad day. But I really don't know what to say. Because I miss her too. I want to cry on her shoulder for my loss. I want her to tell me all is going to be ok. But that is not going to happen. Am I mad, no not really just thinking about some little ol'self pity. She was the best mother anyone could have. And she still lives in the hearts of her love ones. I see her in so many people around me. I guess That is why I know she left part of herself with us. She had a big impact on my brothers and me. ANd yes, I hate the fact my husband never knew her or my son doesn't know his grandmother. He doesn't have any grandmothers. And I feel for him on that. I had two great grandmothers. Who were a big part of my life. Two grandmothers who prayed for me daily. As I write this I am crying. I just feel blah, I don't want to feel blah. I want to be happy again or at least normal. I dread going home. I feel so alone at home. I look at my son, and I feel miles away from him. Being a preteen and everything, he is starting to push me out of his life. I don't want that. I question him, and he stares like I am the alien. I am going through my own stuff. I don't have the motivation. I come to work to work. And praise the Lord I am not that busy. But that is not a good thing. It gives me more time to think. I know I am dieing inside. Physically I am sick. In the last two months, I have been throwing up. And the docs don't know why. I haven't lost weight. And I need that to happen. I am dealing with headaches, stomach pains, teath pain, and the list goes on. I am venting, so no need to comment on my health. I am just so tired. Tired of not feeling well. And I wander if God is showing me how harry felt when he was sick. So now I have guilt that I wasn't a good caregiver to him. Oh it is all so frustating. Well I guess I will close for now. To go and try and get stuff done, and stop thinking all THESE CRAZY THOUGHTS. To much time on my hands.
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I was thinking about how I lay around and think or sleep and how Rick used to do that the last year of his life alot. I was hard on him and told him to get up and do something. Now I do the same thing. Maybe it\'s payback. But now I understand how depressed he must have been, not having the physical strength he\'d had before. He was always strong and athletic.I hope he can run again in heaven. I go between laying on the couch to going out to stay away from home. It is nice to know I\'m not the only crazy thinking girl. Surely it will get better eventually!!