I came to this site, because on June 11, 2006. I lost my best friend my husband. We were together for 13 years. And shared a life of many trials. But now I feel so lost so helpless. And I hate everything. I live a life filled and when I say filled I mean each day is filled with activities, my son who is 12 is very active. I work full time. And involved with my church. I feel so overwhelmed right now and I don't have time to stop. I need to work, becuase we need the money. God has provided for me so many times. And I am very grateful. I just don't know how I am going to get over this. I thought it would be so different. My husband became handicapped in 1994. And live daily in pain, I prayed for God to take away the pain and he did he took him home to heaven. I sure rejoice in this factor. I took care of him for 12 years. I felt like I could handle anything. And you would think life would be easier now, but i just feel more overwhelmed. I feel like I have so much to do. I am writing today. Because I need help. I want to runaway from everything. I can't do that to my son, he was our gift from GOd. And now I feel like I am the worst mother ever. People don't know what to say. My church family is great. When he died they were there they took care of me and him. Now a few months later they still want to help, but I just can't seem to open up. Then my bosses mom died and all the sadness came back. And I just can't seem to move on. Thanks for listening.
Replies
Eileen, it\'s great that you\'re reaching out. You\'ll find a lot of support here on DS. Have you tried seeing a counselor to help you deal wtih the grief? My mom passed away almost 3 years ago and I think about her every single day... and for a few months, my family suffered because I wasn\'t the wife or the mother I was before she died, but eventually, the stabbing, thumping pain decreased and I put all of my focus into my family. I still have so much pain but now it\'s usually just when I lay down at night to go to sleep. I typically only sleep about 5-6 hours a night because I hate going to bed because I get so sad thinking of her. I know it\'s not healthy -- but everyone grieves in their own ways. Give yourself some time. You might want to join a support group at your church too -- if they offer something like that.
Hi, today another day, I wander where we will be tomorrow and if my life will ever slow down to smell the roses. I miss Harry so much and know it is only normal for that. But I wish he was here. I feel helpless and lost with out him. My son is so much stronger than me or at least that is how it seems. I try to talk to him about his feelings but he is very short answers. And we go around in circles. So I never know what truely is on his mind. I just know my husband never realized what he meant to us or the rest of the our circle of friends of family. Saw my sister in law this weekend she wants me to go get some type of pill to ease the pain. She says I won\'t be crying any more. But I do not believe that. Oh well I guess this is all I can do but to express how I feel.
I feel horrible today. And felt I should write about it. My son is not concern about his school work. He just wants to get it done. I feel the pressure work 40 hours at one job. And I have to go to my part time job to do work before I go away. And I just don\'t have enough time to all this. Harry handle all the small stuff before we went on vacation and now in my spare time I must find the energy to do that stuff. Which is making me crazy. I am going to try and write a list of all the stuff I need to do. But I am sure I will forget something. Because my brain feels like exploding. I have to get caught up on the things I need to do. My father in law also decided not to put a feeding tube in my mother in law. So now I have to worry about her. Something I haven\'t had to do in such a long time. Why is God keeping her alive for 11 years in a state where she knows nobody. Now I know she will be gone in a few months. Now my question here is do I take my son to the home before we leave for Florida, or do I wait til we get back. And if I do wait will it be to late. If she dies while we are away our vacation will be cut soon, and I am not sure if that I am ready to deal with death. Am I being selfish. Yes, I do believe but I just feel boxed in this big world. And when she dies I know my father in law will die shortly after. Because he will feel broken hearted. Oh I could just scream. I wish I was able to handle this but I just am going crazy. Please Lord, help me to be brave and strong. Well another day to be sad. Happiness may be around the corner.
Well I am feeling better today. But I know it is only for a few hours so I will enjoy it. I made a big decision I am giving up my ministries at the church. Until my head clears up and I stop crying all the time. I felt like a liar to my church family because they had no clear what is going on in my brain. So I wrote a letter I felt if I told the pastor in front I would emotionally breakdown. I feel like a coward. SOmething I never was before my husbands death. I never was afraid of anything and now I second guess everything. And to top it all my dad told me to get over it. He said many women raise children alone. hello, does he even have a clue. He lost the love of his life 16 years ago and still misses her each day. How can he say that to his little girl. And trust me I am a daddy\'s girl. I just don\'t know what to take of it. So now I isolate my self from him. Oh boy now I depress about that. Lucky me. I just am taking deep breaths and moving on. WHo knows what tomorrow will bring.
Well I am feeling better today. But I know it is only for a few hours so I will enjoy it. I made a big decision I am giving up my ministries at the church. Until my head clears up and I stop crying all the time. I felt like a liar to my church family because they had no clear what is going on in my brain. So I wrote a letter I felt if I told the pastor in front I would emotionally breakdown. I feel like a coward. SOmething I never was before my husbands death. I never was afraid of anything and now I second guess everything. And to top it all my dad told me to get over it. He said many women raise children alone. hello, does he even have a clue. He lost the love of his life 16 years ago and still misses her each day. How can he say that to his little girl. And trust me I am a daddy\'s girl. I just don\'t know what to take of it. So now I isolate my self from him. Oh boy now I depress about that. Lucky me. I just am taking deep breaths and moving on. WHo knows what tomorrow will bring.
I had to write this note because I feel horrible. Why am I here in this life. I feel so helpless, so wrong. I feel like I don\'t belong alone here. I have no where to go. I got to stay working my family needs the money. I hate life I hate my job and I am failure to my son. I should feel joy. I just don\'t have it. WHere I once felt secure in my life it now is an empty shell. Please help me. Please God take it away. There is no way I can serve my savior when I feel like this. I want to be whole. OH I can\'t stop crying!!