My would be anniversary is on Friday.  I have been in a slump all week - with the house closing, and this day coming.  I can't sleep, all I want to do is eat and yet, if I do, it almost makes me sick!  I keep thinking about those things he has told me about my body, weight, and just the way I look, that I can't get to a happy place. I keep thinking of how easy it would be to just numb myself with pot or booze, and asking myself why I am refusing to give in.  This is hard.  I've been really good for a long time, and now all I want to do is be by myself and numb the pain away - get to a happy place, where ever that might be. I want to stop this yo-yoing back and forth with my emotions.  I don't like being happy one minute and then in tears another.  I know that I need to fight harder to get these 'demons' from me, but how - being all alone and vulnerable isnt helping me accomplish anything. I have tried to spend the day working, but I just keep sitting here, staring at the computer and wishing for something in my life to change.  My gf sends me a question about whether or not she would fit into the category of depression and after reading all the symptoms, I know I am - but how can I tell her that, and not have her catering after me!   I think I will stop by the liquor store on the way home tonight, there really is no reason why I need to stay sober tonight....or even worse, maybe I will pull out the old stash....