Lonely

 Things have actually been going fairly well around here lately. My sons and I have been getting along. No fighting. I think my youngest is growing up and perhaps I am growing more patient and understanding.
  I also have good news. I have been on the Harvoni treatment for HepC. And it has worked. The last two blood tests I had came back showing no virus. I should be overwhelmed with happiness. I am thankful.
  But for the last week I have been in a deep depression. I am so lonely and bored. I don't think I have ever felt this alone in my life. Now that I don't have to go to a job I hate and that causes me pain. Now that I have a home and an income and I don't have to worry about anything. Now I am seriously depressed. I also have nowhere to go, no one to talk to and no reason to get up in the morning. I feel useless and forgotten. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy.
  For one thing my son takes my car to work everyday. I have to be ready to get it on his lunch break or I don't get it at all. Some days he is unable to take a lunch. On those days I am just stuck. I have asked him repeatedly to get his own car. He says he is saving the money for one and won't take any help from me or his grandfather. But, I need him to get a car. I don't want to get up at 8am just to have access to my own car. If I don't I'm stuck.
  I don't like living in the family home. It needs too many repairs for me to be able to deal with and it is a big house. 
  My son Jesse has been living in the basement apartment of the home for the last couple of years. He told me the other day that he is planning on going back to California in the fall. He grew up there and plans to live there. He says he is just spinning his wheels here in kansas. And he is right.  If his future is in California than there is no reason to waste any more time here. I'll miss him terribly. He is the only one of my kids who has actually matured. It has been wonderful having him around to help out.
  But, once he leaves there is no reason for me to stay in this big house. It will just be Ben and myself. I don't like it here, never have. I don't like the idea of losing the family home. But, it really does need too much work and is too large for me to maintain.
  Having said all of that I now come to my depression. I am miserable here all day, alone, in this house that I hate. Everywhere I look there is work to be done. Home repairs that I am unable to do myself. Had I had the house when I was younger I could have fixed these thing. But I am now 55 and disabled. My children are grown and I don't need a big house to maintain. My dad was a hoarder and stuffed this house full of garbage. I have spent the last few years clearing out what I could. Now that dad has moved the the home I have been able to start getting rid of things he wouldn't let me get rid of before. But, still I cannot make this my home. It will always be dads house. Even though it was left to me by my mother. It is my mothers house!!. Dad did everything he could to make sure there were no signs of her left and he let a lot of the house just rot. There is a lot of disrepair, things he chose to simply ignore, a lot of junk to be cleared and just plain old filth. 
  I am so tired of trying to make it a home. It's just an ugly, big house to me now. I don't want to be here.
  I have found myself sleeping late and getting up crying. Just because I don't want to be here. What am I suppose to do all day. Clean out this old house. I can't paint fix the plaster. And I can't stand to look at it anymore.
  I have been married 4 times. I was always surrounded by people. I never envisioned being so alone. Now I spend the majority of my time by myself and I hate it. I used to wish for alone time. Now I just want someone to talk to. The boys work. And they should have lives. I am stuck here. 
  Stuck with no car, in a house I hate with nothing to do but housework. I cry all the time. Even the weather seems to be against me. It has been raining constantly and is cold when it isn't raining.
  I don't know what to do anymore. I have gained a lot of weight and am not happy with my own appearance anymore. The depression is getting to me. 
  And to top it all off the dr. is taking away my xanax. So I can choose to use them to sleep or to decrease the anxiety, not both. So I cry. And I cry. I just want my life back.
  The hepc caused a lot of physical problems which is why I am disabled and not working. Now I feel like it has completely destroyed my life even though I have been cleared of it. I beat HepC. But, it had already beaten me. I am so-o lonely. Every one I know drinks and smokes. They have husbands and go on vacations. I can't do any of those things. I live on a small monthly stipence and don't have enough money to go on a vacation. 
  So I hang around the house, cleaning up and crying. Watching the world go by. I am so lonely and I feel so insignificant. I never envisioned this for myself. I can't stand it much longer. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. What happened, when did I start to stop mattering. When did my life stop. What happened???
  I just wish Ben would get a car. I don't know why he hasn't. My oldest son just lost his license for three years because of DUI's. When I have the car I seem to be playing taxi cab all day. I have to take one kid to work, drive the other one around and then go back and pick up the first one. When do I get my freedom. These kids or 29 and 21.
  And being broke all the time sucks. I see on FB pictures of my friends and their grandchildren, family get togethers, events and vacations. I have very little of that. No grandchildren, too broke to go anywhere especially on vacation. And there are only the five of us. Me, the three boys and grandpa. Grandpa is now in the home. Jesse is going back to California. Tyler is looking at the possibility of jail time and Ben is addicted to video games. We don't do much together as a family. Oh, and my best, pretty much only real friend, has been given less than 2 years to live. 
  I can't expect my kids to keep my occupied or to spend a lot of time with mom. I get it, they have lives. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  I used to watch my dad sitting in a chair starring at the wall. That will never be me I would say. Well, that's exactly what is happening to me. In the same house in the same chair. I want to run away from my own life. I want to run away from myself.
  Ya know we haven't been on a family vacation since my youngest was about 3 years old. We could never afford it. I have wanted to have a family vacation for years. I guess that will never happen. It's not like I'm going to make a bunch of money any time soon. And now they are grown and have responsibilities. 
  I don't really mind being alone. I kind of like it sometimes. I could travel by myself. I think I would like that sometimes. But, then where is the money going to come from?
  I know I shouldn't feel this way. But, when my father pass's I will be wealthy. I will have enough money to do just about what ever I want to do. I just wish I could have some of that now. Like this house. My mother left this house to me when I was 18. Dad wouldn't get out of it so that I could raise my kids here, like she wanted. So, I finally get the house when I am 54 and the kids are grown. What the hell do I need a big house for now???? And what good is the money going to do me when I am too old to do anything, or dead??? 
  I have things that I want to do, places that I want to go. But, I am stuck in this freaking house!!!!
  I have a girl friend who owes me $1200. It started out as $1600 but she paid me a few hundred $50 at a time. I see her every year going on cruise after cruise. She says it is her husbands money. Right now they are in Hawaii. It makes me angry. All those years I couldn't go to California to see my son she was going on vacations with my money. Now that she has a rich husband, a beautiful house and just about anything and everything she could ever want…..she still can't pay me back. I want to go to Hawaii. I want to go to concerts, baseball games, casino's and out to eat. I know that jealously is a terrible thing. It just makes me angry.
  Sometimes I can't look at FB because everyone posts all these wonderful things about their lives. Mine sucks!!! Day after day is just the same thing over and over again. Housework, take care of the dogs, visit dad, groceries, laundry and tv. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!!  I am miserable and I don't know what to do about it.
  I try to make a little money on eBay. But it has never amounted to much. I do a little dog sitting and still groom a couple of animals. But that isn't going to give me a large bank account. My back and arthritis are so bad that I can't commit to even a part time job.
  I guess I'll just watch tv and cry, again. I could walk around the neighborhood or do some laundry, maybe clean out dads dresser. YUCK!!!! I am so sick of that shit!!!! 
  I don't feel like much of anyone anymore. I don't even know who I am. All I know is that I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to be alone anymore.