Lost
I am completely lost. I've been out of work for almost a year now. Watching after dad and taking care of my medical issues. I thought retiring and not having to go to work was going to be great. I did't realize that I was going to be broke and stuck at home all the time. Of course with a 92 year of man to take care of I can't leave for any length of time. Nobody comes over here.
I've become very lonely and sad. The frustration has turned into anger. I am angry all the time. I feel like my dad is controlling my life. Which he is. His money man handles all my income and my medical bills. If I decide to go back to work and not stay home and take care of dad I will lose my medical. I desperately need that because I am starting hepc treatment within the next couple of months. And that is a $150,000 treatment. Plus I need my teeth fixed and surgery on my hand. So, I can't go back to work. They've got me and they know it. They are paying me to take care of dad. It boils down to less than a dollar an hour, figuring an eight hour day. So it's just basic survival like groceries and my basic bills.
I haven't had any fun in months. The last get together with friends was in december. I can't afford to take a week end trip and I couldn't leave dad that long anyway.
I never envisioned myself in this situation. I have always been independant and self sufficient. I raised my kids with no help from anyone. Now that my dad needs help he feels that he has to control me. I have to send his man a statement each month telling how much I have made, from ebay or anything I've done to make money, and exactly what I have spent it on. I am 54 years old. I find that insulting. I've never had to account to anyone. I feel like a failure. I know that's how my dad views me. Now. he see's me as his personal servant. He doesn't believe in "wasting money on entertainment", "If you don't need it you can do without it.". He has told me that we don't need cell phones or cable. So, a frivolous week end trip is definately out of the question as is going out to eat or anything else. When or if I do something like that I have to hear about how wasteful I am. So the only kind of entertainment or relief I get now is by going to a walk. I've started walking miles. Just to get some relief or should I say release.
I am so lonely and so sad. I feel worthless. I definately feel like I am wasting the last part of my life. I don't know what to do or how to deal with any of this anymore. Everyone around here is mad at me because I am sad all the time. Sorrry! My son actually yelled at me because of it. That helped.
I had a suicidal thought yesterday, after he cussed me out for being sad. That scared me. A picture just popped into my head. I don't want to feel like this. I want my life back. But, I am stuck in this nightmare. I don't know how to pull myself back up out of this depression. This time it doesn't seem to be lifting ,no relief. I feel like I am slipping away and nobody cares.
I've given my dad 6 years of my life so far. Every year life seems to be just a little more depressing. I don't want to die before I've had the chance to live. I gave the first part of my life to my ex husbands and my kids. Now I'm here for dad. When does it get to be my turn. Or will it ever be my turn. I'm beginning to feel like it doesn't matter anymore.
I've become very lonely and sad. The frustration has turned into anger. I am angry all the time. I feel like my dad is controlling my life. Which he is. His money man handles all my income and my medical bills. If I decide to go back to work and not stay home and take care of dad I will lose my medical. I desperately need that because I am starting hepc treatment within the next couple of months. And that is a $150,000 treatment. Plus I need my teeth fixed and surgery on my hand. So, I can't go back to work. They've got me and they know it. They are paying me to take care of dad. It boils down to less than a dollar an hour, figuring an eight hour day. So it's just basic survival like groceries and my basic bills.
I haven't had any fun in months. The last get together with friends was in december. I can't afford to take a week end trip and I couldn't leave dad that long anyway.
I never envisioned myself in this situation. I have always been independant and self sufficient. I raised my kids with no help from anyone. Now that my dad needs help he feels that he has to control me. I have to send his man a statement each month telling how much I have made, from ebay or anything I've done to make money, and exactly what I have spent it on. I am 54 years old. I find that insulting. I've never had to account to anyone. I feel like a failure. I know that's how my dad views me. Now. he see's me as his personal servant. He doesn't believe in "wasting money on entertainment", "If you don't need it you can do without it.". He has told me that we don't need cell phones or cable. So, a frivolous week end trip is definately out of the question as is going out to eat or anything else. When or if I do something like that I have to hear about how wasteful I am. So the only kind of entertainment or relief I get now is by going to a walk. I've started walking miles. Just to get some relief or should I say release.
I am so lonely and so sad. I feel worthless. I definately feel like I am wasting the last part of my life. I don't know what to do or how to deal with any of this anymore. Everyone around here is mad at me because I am sad all the time. Sorrry! My son actually yelled at me because of it. That helped.
I had a suicidal thought yesterday, after he cussed me out for being sad. That scared me. A picture just popped into my head. I don't want to feel like this. I want my life back. But, I am stuck in this nightmare. I don't know how to pull myself back up out of this depression. This time it doesn't seem to be lifting ,no relief. I feel like I am slipping away and nobody cares.
I've given my dad 6 years of my life so far. Every year life seems to be just a little more depressing. I don't want to die before I've had the chance to live. I gave the first part of my life to my ex husbands and my kids. Now I'm here for dad. When does it get to be my turn. Or will it ever be my turn. I'm beginning to feel like it doesn't matter anymore.
Replies
Awww sending you lots and lots and lots of hugs. I am happy that you are getting your HepC treatments. Someday your dad will be gone and you will have lots of freedom. Try to believe that you can see that light. 6 years is a long time and I admire you for sticking with it and not running away.
I care about you. Hang in there.
God, I can\'t believe how terrible your dad is to you. Is there any parent/family abuse support groups you can go to? I don\'t know much about these things, but it seems like he\'s trying to hurt you and I think you need people who can stand by you and stand up to him with you.
If you\'re his only caretaker, I think it\'s worth remembering that if anything were to happen to you he would be lost. HE needs YOU, so if he were wise he would make sure you are as well and comfortable as possible. Maybe it wouldn\'t hurt to remind him that.