Frustrated
I am so tired of this house and this place. I'm lonely because no one ever comes over. If they do dad just glares at them the whole time. I feel like I've lost myself. I'm stuck here with this old man and my do nothing son. I want my life back. I've been taking care of dad for 6 years now. Every day is the same. It's like "Ground Hog Day". I don't have any money because I quit working to take care of dad. And I can't go anywhere for very long because of dad. I feel like I have no purpose in life. I'm just going thru the motions. And now my best friend, my dog Ricky, is dying and it's tearing me apart. I am having a hard time finding a reason to smile. Between the physical pain, the emotional pain and the frustration and lonliness from being an elder care taker is too much for me. My health is failing.
I just got health insurance at 54 yrs. of age. So, I went to the dr.. She took x-rays of my hand and told me to come back in a month. When I took dad to see her she said she had some results for me. Well, come to find out it wasn't about my hand. I have HepC. I have had it for over 15 yrs.. I thought I was in remission. Apparently not. She is sending me to a hepatology specialist and most likely I will start the treatment program for this disease. I'm terrified. The treatment is very similar to cancer therapy and will go on for a least a year. I will most likely be sick and bed ridden. I don't know what to do. I can't take care of anything if I'm sick. And I can't stand being stuck in this house as it is. I watched my mom suffer from chemotherapy and that has been my greatest fear. That was the cause of my lifetime of depression). I don't have the family support that I will need and with the arthritis I can't stay in a bed or a chair for more than a 1/2 hour without pain. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I don't know the person in the mirror now, what am I going to do when I am seriously ill? Plus they say that anyone predisposed to depression may suffer psychosis during treatment. Are you kidding me? I'm terrified and I haven't even spoken to the dr. yet.
I just want this nightmare to end. I want my life back. I have become a stranger to myself. I'd run away if I had anywhere to hide from this but I can't hide from myself.
My son already calls me psychotic when he gets mad. What's going to happen when I really am? They won't take care of me or my home. I'm the care giver and they are the pigs I clean up after. Who is going to do it when I am ill? I love my dad and my boys but they are men. That's it MEN!! I am the only woman in the family. And they are not very understanding of my depression and anxiety.
I've told myself for years that "One of these days it will get better", but life just keeps getting worse.
I am a 54 disabled depressive with hepc. I care for my 91 yr. old father, my 20 yr. old son and 5 dogs and a cat and a very large cluttered house. The dish's didn't get done for three days when I had the flu. What's going to happen when I am seriously ill for a year or more. I can't ask my son to put a hold on his life to take care of me and my dad. I don't want him to go thru what I did with mom. It's too painful. At least I'm not dieing like she was, but I will be just as ill. I'll be nauseous and vomiting and losing my hair. Weak and broken and possibly really crazy. They talk about rash's and headaches and all the symptoms of chemo therapy. It tore me apart to watch my mom go thru this and now I have too do the same thing. I don't thing I can handle this. I'm a mess now.
What am I going to do? I'm so scared. I can't stop crying. This is not the future I had hoped for.
I used to have a lot of friends. Until I moved in with my father. Now no one comes around.
I just got health insurance at 54 yrs. of age. So, I went to the dr.. She took x-rays of my hand and told me to come back in a month. When I took dad to see her she said she had some results for me. Well, come to find out it wasn't about my hand. I have HepC. I have had it for over 15 yrs.. I thought I was in remission. Apparently not. She is sending me to a hepatology specialist and most likely I will start the treatment program for this disease. I'm terrified. The treatment is very similar to cancer therapy and will go on for a least a year. I will most likely be sick and bed ridden. I don't know what to do. I can't take care of anything if I'm sick. And I can't stand being stuck in this house as it is. I watched my mom suffer from chemotherapy and that has been my greatest fear. That was the cause of my lifetime of depression). I don't have the family support that I will need and with the arthritis I can't stay in a bed or a chair for more than a 1/2 hour without pain. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I don't know the person in the mirror now, what am I going to do when I am seriously ill? Plus they say that anyone predisposed to depression may suffer psychosis during treatment. Are you kidding me? I'm terrified and I haven't even spoken to the dr. yet.
I just want this nightmare to end. I want my life back. I have become a stranger to myself. I'd run away if I had anywhere to hide from this but I can't hide from myself.
My son already calls me psychotic when he gets mad. What's going to happen when I really am? They won't take care of me or my home. I'm the care giver and they are the pigs I clean up after. Who is going to do it when I am ill? I love my dad and my boys but they are men. That's it MEN!! I am the only woman in the family. And they are not very understanding of my depression and anxiety.
I've told myself for years that "One of these days it will get better", but life just keeps getting worse.
I am a 54 disabled depressive with hepc. I care for my 91 yr. old father, my 20 yr. old son and 5 dogs and a cat and a very large cluttered house. The dish's didn't get done for three days when I had the flu. What's going to happen when I am seriously ill for a year or more. I can't ask my son to put a hold on his life to take care of me and my dad. I don't want him to go thru what I did with mom. It's too painful. At least I'm not dieing like she was, but I will be just as ill. I'll be nauseous and vomiting and losing my hair. Weak and broken and possibly really crazy. They talk about rash's and headaches and all the symptoms of chemo therapy. It tore me apart to watch my mom go thru this and now I have too do the same thing. I don't thing I can handle this. I'm a mess now.
What am I going to do? I'm so scared. I can't stop crying. This is not the future I had hoped for.
I used to have a lot of friends. Until I moved in with my father. Now no one comes around.
Replies
Oh, my heart is breaking over your health and your dog Ricky! They love us so much and so unconditionally. It\'s so sad when they are hurting and dying. I am glad that you will be with him when he goes to the Rainbow Bridge. We will always mourn our animals but I look forward to the day when I can see all of mine in Heaven!
I wish that we lived closer. I would help you out in anyway that I could. I You have 1 son who sounds like he is a good kid and would help you. You need to have a long talk with him. I know that we don\'t want to burden our children with looking after us but we looked after them when they were small. If someone is looking after you, then I won\'t worry about you so much. You will get better faster and live longer.
I don\'t know the Social Services system or the hospital system but there must be resources that can help you. If you need me to look up help, I can do that for you.
I hope you consider me your friend.
Jan
Thank you so much for your kindness. It is very hard for me to let this little guy go. I have had a lot of dogs but Ricky is special. A kindrid spirit. I know I have to let him go when it\'s time. I won\'t let him suffer so I will probably have to make that decision. I have decided to have him cremated so that we will always be together. I\'ve spoken to Ben, my youngest, and he says he will be there to help me. Ya know, drive me to the dr. and such. But, that is not fair to ask him to put his life on hold. \'(Even though he is 20 and not bothering to look for work. I\'m pretty sure he has a social anxiety problem.) But I want him to move on and have a full life. I\'m sure that one of the boys will help me. I just don\'t want to put them through that. Especially with our having to take care of my father already this would be a heavy burden.
The specialist I will be going to is the Kansas University Hospital which is an outstanding facility with up to date \"everything\", so I\'ll probably have a lot of services available to me. But that is in the city. I live outside of the city in a smaller township. It\'s about an hour away.
I do consider you a friend and I hope you will consider me one too. Thanks again. Your comments always help to uplift my spirits.
Take care and I hope we talk again soon.
Kim
You are going through a great deal and I understand so much of what you are going through as I was a caregiver for my mother for so long and at the end, I got very ill and now I have to have a lot of tests to find out what is going on with my health. Stress can do a lot of damage. I don\'t want to make things harder on you but I think it\'s time for your son to step up to the plate and be a man and to stop treating you so poorly. That really upsets me. I have two boys and I would be devastated if they ever treated me as you are being treated by your son. One of my very dear friends suffers from Fibromyalgia and Hep C. She was given a round of very strong antibiotics that put the Hep C in remission after being on the drugs for 6 weeks. They are not easy but it may be an easier way to go. Have you talked to your doctor about going this route? I will keep you in my prayers and I am always here for you if you need to vent or just need a shoulder to cry on. Love and Hugs Gramybear