Well here I am again. I've been trying to get back on here but I've been unable to do so. With so much going on in my life I've just been busy. It doesn't seem that long since I've written something in my journal. Anyway, I'm still doing ok dealing with my mom's death and all. As expected I still have those days that I am feeling down and want to cry. I do and I'm usually fine after that. I miss her so much. I always think of here even more when I have a problem that I have no one to turn to. That hurts so much. I think I was trying to make up for that by getting married. Starting my own family and having someone that will always be there for me. It didn't work. I'm still longing to have my mother. Not a mother figure but my mother. I went to look on another website one day to look at videos about people who said they had died and came back to life. Some went to hell and some say they went to heaven. It isn't even that I believe it or not believe it. Its just that little hope that my mom may have had a choice to leave me or not. Selfish again I know :). I know that things like that are out of your hands but when you want to believe something so bad. Here I am rambling off again from one subject to the next. I just miss her. I wish in the hard times in life I could turn to her or my grandmother to have my back, to tell me what I need to do, help me, give me their advice. But, I don't. I'm still stuck here to figure it out on my own. It hurts. I'm now 24 and I feel the same way I did when I was 20! Shouldn't I have grown some? I mean shouldn't I have some answers for myself? I still want to scream for her and scream. Sometimes I think if I cry hard enough and long enough she will come comfort me. Its hard to accept that I will never see her or my grandmother again. Its hard to accept I am in this world alone.