Day 23
I don't know where to begin. I know I have identified a problem, and it was that I am afraid I will have ruined a potential relationship with a wife, from the porn addiction, and that is cause for depression. I didn't have an ideal when I was focusing on sexual sobriety before my relapse. I now have a goal of saving myself sexually for my wife, if I am blessed enough to have one, I might be too far gone to help anyone as a husband. I can accept that, it will make me jealous and upset to see someone I would have had if I hadn't of decided to not fight the porn problem. That will probably lead to me being more intense and radical, and crazy, but I did it to myself, and I'd rather be radical, intense, and crazy alone, than have it affect someone I love.
I have a new incentive, and it is an ideal that if I were to have sex, it would be solely for one person, and reserved for that one person, and given all to that one person. If my problem is selfishness, and masturbating to pornography is selfish, I can't think of a better reason to not be selfish, and to have the ideal of total abstainence with the reasoning being so another person can completely enjoy me and only me. If I am to bring all the pornographic euphoria into the situation, I would be taking away pleasure and love from the potential wife, so I want to be free of that influence, although since I have done it for so long I may never be, and that is all my fault, and I understand and accept that someone I will probably love in the future more than likely won't want to have a union with me because of what I have done by being a porn addict.
Regardless of whether it directly affects my future or ruined God's plan for me, I still am dealt the task of understanding this illness of addiction and particularly sexual addiction. The sexual addiction seems to feed off guilt and shame and depression and isolation and anxiety and resentment. How do I not become guilty? I don't know fully. How do I not become shameful? Well I can stop doing things that bring shame. Taking out my aggression on someone in an imaginary fashion is shameful, because I am using them, and I grow ashamed every time I use someone, so there is an answer right there. Don't use people. Not buying into bullshit and not allowing others too much control will help with depression. Admitting others can be royal pains in the ass, and that I don't have to "be there for them" if they are being pains in the ass will help with the depression. For instance two of my friends know I am a good listener and use that to use me to bitch and complain negatively. What it does inside me is make me grow resentful because both have had way better lives than I, and should be more grateful, however they can't see it, but they aren't at the point where they can admit the necessity of working on oneself to not complain and be negative, and knowing that is also depressing. The isolation is tricky, because being around people too much can make me grow very resentful of them, and I think it is also necessary to have peace and quiet a few hours a week. I know it to be necessary for stability, chaos and no freedom makes for an insane brain. Anxiety I can curb with exercise and proper diet, also inventory helps. Not trying to be perfect helps as well, and that includes disappointing some at times. I know what to do with resentment now, I need to realize and admit others who make me feel uncomfortable or annoyed are spiritually sick and not of God. I have to pray for them, and then I have to see what I am doing to make the situation worse or to have made the situation worse.
Today I am very tired, this plan has created an exhausted product. This is the product of the United States governments way of dealing with the mentally ill. The recipe makes the person more exhausted and makes the person more of a threat to society. "Having to do these things" is making me angry and annoyed because it is exhausting me, and that is leading to loss of memory, mistakes, lack of production, apprehension, confusion, and to think they required recovery, education, employment, but didn't go out of their way to help me acquire any of it, they just view us as lazy and not willing to participate.
Now that I've followed their directions and can clearly say they are just as fucked up as I am, I have been given a gift and can say I don't have to follow their orders anymore, because their orders can be just as harmful as not following an order. I am still grateful for the help, but it is not like they went out of their way to help, they just were the providers within a function of the law already established that helps those in need.
The Government is sick, and the people are spiritually sick, and this whole world is one sick place. Now that is sick in itself, and I am a sick man so I will only focus on sickness, and the reason I know that is sick is because today I will see health, and it is not all sick, and my illness wants me to see it as all sick, so I will then go and get some relief. Drinking is my relief, masturbating to ultra-modern pornography is relief, smoking used to be relief, throwing temper tantrums is relief, blaming others is relief, all these things are reliefs that compound the problems and lose the ability to see hope or positivism.
I don't have the power to help change any of it, I do have the power to change how I react and accept it, and that makes me happy. Remember I considered throwing myself off a bridge a little over a year ago, so to know I am not considering that right now, is bigger than all this other stuff going on. And it is just "stuff" none of it really has any weight on the whole, all the petty fears and insecurities of man, it's all grounds for one big lie that it all matters so much when if looked at square it matters very little.
Today I have no idea what is good for me, I was thinking porn and buying things was good for me, so I am not sure what the day is going to bring. I do know that studying is something I am compelled to do, and it must be for a duty God is going to grant me, I know there is something very big in store for me and if it weren't studying would be not a priority. Studying is making me shutdown though, and those who don't shutdown from too much demand don't get it, I shutdown for a while, then I get refreshed, it is because my body is exhausted, and it can't go on at times before it has a couple of minutes to rest. Let's not forget I was on medicine before for dementia, my brain can quit at any moment involuntarily, and more than most don't understand and will never understand, I understand that God understands so the others will have to just be Godless and dumb asses for the time being.
I'm flattered that you want what is best for me and get angry at me for not being greatness, however you can go fuck yourself because you're playing God and can't even see it!
People don't realize God has control over it ALL anyway, he just makes us think we have control so we won't be habitually depressed and hate ourselves. This is God's engine, but like the Muslim prophet used to say, "most of them do not know." Emphasis on most, I'll take it a step further and say all of them, don't know shit, so it is imperative to pray for them, to know, and it is also imperative for me to not use their examples of irritation and ego to cope with frustration.
I identified the need to be Mr. Superstar Lawyer, but now that I know it is a sexual agenda need and a drug addicted alcoholic liability, I need to minimize my own ego driven demands. I don't know what I need, but I can still do things that provided need in the past, but I have no clue if I should waste time searching for libraries in traffic when there is a perfectly good library where I go to school.
I am worn out though, and I think it is the mid-term. I know the removal of masturbation to porn with the ideal that it will help a wife, and give to her, will give me more energy, and I will be able to experience me, I've been experiencing the sick me for too long, and I've forgotten who I really am, and people like the real me, but they can't stand the sick me, but I am sick, and it is annoying, and it angers me, and I resent God for letting it happen, and I am afraid it is going to create a life of misery, but knowing that just this one little thing could make a woman I would marry better, that is noble and something I can be honestly proud of. I can love myself for that. To know that I made a woman who I would marry better and more secure, without having to suffer from the attention or praise makes me feel whole and makes me feel awesome, all this other bullshit about being a lawyer or managing money or my political views isn't as important as knowing I made a difference.
I am exhausting myself right now with too much thought.
Have a great day.
I have a new incentive, and it is an ideal that if I were to have sex, it would be solely for one person, and reserved for that one person, and given all to that one person. If my problem is selfishness, and masturbating to pornography is selfish, I can't think of a better reason to not be selfish, and to have the ideal of total abstainence with the reasoning being so another person can completely enjoy me and only me. If I am to bring all the pornographic euphoria into the situation, I would be taking away pleasure and love from the potential wife, so I want to be free of that influence, although since I have done it for so long I may never be, and that is all my fault, and I understand and accept that someone I will probably love in the future more than likely won't want to have a union with me because of what I have done by being a porn addict.
Regardless of whether it directly affects my future or ruined God's plan for me, I still am dealt the task of understanding this illness of addiction and particularly sexual addiction. The sexual addiction seems to feed off guilt and shame and depression and isolation and anxiety and resentment. How do I not become guilty? I don't know fully. How do I not become shameful? Well I can stop doing things that bring shame. Taking out my aggression on someone in an imaginary fashion is shameful, because I am using them, and I grow ashamed every time I use someone, so there is an answer right there. Don't use people. Not buying into bullshit and not allowing others too much control will help with depression. Admitting others can be royal pains in the ass, and that I don't have to "be there for them" if they are being pains in the ass will help with the depression. For instance two of my friends know I am a good listener and use that to use me to bitch and complain negatively. What it does inside me is make me grow resentful because both have had way better lives than I, and should be more grateful, however they can't see it, but they aren't at the point where they can admit the necessity of working on oneself to not complain and be negative, and knowing that is also depressing. The isolation is tricky, because being around people too much can make me grow very resentful of them, and I think it is also necessary to have peace and quiet a few hours a week. I know it to be necessary for stability, chaos and no freedom makes for an insane brain. Anxiety I can curb with exercise and proper diet, also inventory helps. Not trying to be perfect helps as well, and that includes disappointing some at times. I know what to do with resentment now, I need to realize and admit others who make me feel uncomfortable or annoyed are spiritually sick and not of God. I have to pray for them, and then I have to see what I am doing to make the situation worse or to have made the situation worse.
Today I am very tired, this plan has created an exhausted product. This is the product of the United States governments way of dealing with the mentally ill. The recipe makes the person more exhausted and makes the person more of a threat to society. "Having to do these things" is making me angry and annoyed because it is exhausting me, and that is leading to loss of memory, mistakes, lack of production, apprehension, confusion, and to think they required recovery, education, employment, but didn't go out of their way to help me acquire any of it, they just view us as lazy and not willing to participate.
Now that I've followed their directions and can clearly say they are just as fucked up as I am, I have been given a gift and can say I don't have to follow their orders anymore, because their orders can be just as harmful as not following an order. I am still grateful for the help, but it is not like they went out of their way to help, they just were the providers within a function of the law already established that helps those in need.
The Government is sick, and the people are spiritually sick, and this whole world is one sick place. Now that is sick in itself, and I am a sick man so I will only focus on sickness, and the reason I know that is sick is because today I will see health, and it is not all sick, and my illness wants me to see it as all sick, so I will then go and get some relief. Drinking is my relief, masturbating to ultra-modern pornography is relief, smoking used to be relief, throwing temper tantrums is relief, blaming others is relief, all these things are reliefs that compound the problems and lose the ability to see hope or positivism.
I don't have the power to help change any of it, I do have the power to change how I react and accept it, and that makes me happy. Remember I considered throwing myself off a bridge a little over a year ago, so to know I am not considering that right now, is bigger than all this other stuff going on. And it is just "stuff" none of it really has any weight on the whole, all the petty fears and insecurities of man, it's all grounds for one big lie that it all matters so much when if looked at square it matters very little.
Today I have no idea what is good for me, I was thinking porn and buying things was good for me, so I am not sure what the day is going to bring. I do know that studying is something I am compelled to do, and it must be for a duty God is going to grant me, I know there is something very big in store for me and if it weren't studying would be not a priority. Studying is making me shutdown though, and those who don't shutdown from too much demand don't get it, I shutdown for a while, then I get refreshed, it is because my body is exhausted, and it can't go on at times before it has a couple of minutes to rest. Let's not forget I was on medicine before for dementia, my brain can quit at any moment involuntarily, and more than most don't understand and will never understand, I understand that God understands so the others will have to just be Godless and dumb asses for the time being.
I'm flattered that you want what is best for me and get angry at me for not being greatness, however you can go fuck yourself because you're playing God and can't even see it!
People don't realize God has control over it ALL anyway, he just makes us think we have control so we won't be habitually depressed and hate ourselves. This is God's engine, but like the Muslim prophet used to say, "most of them do not know." Emphasis on most, I'll take it a step further and say all of them, don't know shit, so it is imperative to pray for them, to know, and it is also imperative for me to not use their examples of irritation and ego to cope with frustration.
I identified the need to be Mr. Superstar Lawyer, but now that I know it is a sexual agenda need and a drug addicted alcoholic liability, I need to minimize my own ego driven demands. I don't know what I need, but I can still do things that provided need in the past, but I have no clue if I should waste time searching for libraries in traffic when there is a perfectly good library where I go to school.
I am worn out though, and I think it is the mid-term. I know the removal of masturbation to porn with the ideal that it will help a wife, and give to her, will give me more energy, and I will be able to experience me, I've been experiencing the sick me for too long, and I've forgotten who I really am, and people like the real me, but they can't stand the sick me, but I am sick, and it is annoying, and it angers me, and I resent God for letting it happen, and I am afraid it is going to create a life of misery, but knowing that just this one little thing could make a woman I would marry better, that is noble and something I can be honestly proud of. I can love myself for that. To know that I made a woman who I would marry better and more secure, without having to suffer from the attention or praise makes me feel whole and makes me feel awesome, all this other bullshit about being a lawyer or managing money or my political views isn't as important as knowing I made a difference.
I am exhausting myself right now with too much thought.
Have a great day.
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