Day 11

I am still being driven by a resentment or resentment in general.  This resentment includes hate in the form of the un-loyal.  I am sick enough to think if a person is "un-loyal" they should be punished physically.  This is creating shame.  I am shame filled because my way of dealing with things is punishing people.  That is a problem is the goal is to have a better world.  I just watched a porn scene where they basically were punishing the woman, it was a fantasy gang bang and the guys were acting very rough, screaming at the young actress, it was not good.  The sick part is I got intense pleasure out of it, and that is my proof that I have a belief (a false belief) that women deserve hatred.  I'm not going to bullshit and say this is a good thing that I have seen and recognized this, this ia bad, all bad.  I'm a piece of shit, and anyone doesn't deserve to be treated with punishment.  
I am aware that I am dealing with a disease that has a nature of being fatal, when given the opportunity to make decisions.  Someone gave me some character defects to look out for, and although I thought I was ready to have all the resentment removed, I am seeing if they resentments were removed I'd just use that to try to become more powerful.  My dilemma is I seek power and control, and I think being powerful and controlling is God like, and I am not God, so it's a wasted effort to even try.  
There is hope though, and I know my mind is going to lie to me today, and the more I understand that I am sick, and prayer, then read, then fight, the more effort I will be allowed, naturally.  People do have the right to hate me though.
I know this is the disease talking right now, gotta forgive myself and start remembering how serious this problem is.  I am hurting myself by acting out, and when I hurt myself others are hurt in the process, and the world can't be a better place if everyone is getting hurt.