Day 10
A change in life has awaken my character defects, and I am now making decisions based off resentment and fear. Guilt, shame, and remorse are also in the fray. One flaw I am allowing myself to function in is assuming other sick people make good judges of character. Only God can judge a man's character thoroughly, and I am putting forth an effort daily to not be the piece of shit my mind tells me I am, and that is better than nothing.
Resentment is driving this train though, and it is making me exhausted. For instance I am contemplating not eating, I am making purchases just to feel good about myself in materialistic manners, I am demeaning people, I am hating people, I am bragging subtly, I am acting out, I am trying to fix the pain of frustration on my own.
I have to depend on God, however by acting out I am blocking myself off from God because the particular acting out I do produces anger and then leads to fear. The acting out also births shame, and guilt, and confusion is the result because I don't know if I should be angry, fearful, guilty, or shame driven, because I am not actually doing the acting out, I am just fantasizing it and watching it in fantasy production.
It is bringing a negative consequence, it is making me more secretive and making me less appreciative of others outside of what they offer sexually. I can say I am powerless over acting out, I can say it is making life unmanagable, however I am stuck at the God restoring me to sanity today, and it might be from the acting out directly. I am resentful because I was born to act out, but this world's God punishes for acting out, and that seems out of date for some reason, and that is the problem. I am pissed because doctrine has prevented sexual liberation, and I am not aware that it might be for my own good because my sexual appetite might not have a limit.
I know in reference to my alcohol and drug addiction I had no limits, almost died many times, collapsed in the shower after one line of cocaine once, almost choked on my own vomit when I was younger, got T-boned once with weed in my system allowing me to make an irrational decision. Then on top of all that I have a mind that tells me there is no problem.
It is a problem for anyone if I have a mind that thinks there is no limit to sexual pleasure. That is a major problem, and therefore I am a major problem, and with that knowledge I will continue to fight the good fight, if I end up having sex with one of the young women (or older women) where I live life daily, then so be it, I'm not a complete monster, I do appreciate being gentle and intimacy.
Most people don't have this much trouble with sex and don't spend this much time thinking about it, but I do, and it has it's pros and cons, however it has entered into a phase where it is taking more than giving, and as an addict that is not a good recipe for success. I cannot function in the realm of taking, I have to function in the realm of giving, if I take I die, if I give I live, it's that easy. However with this information my disease and "the dark side" knows it will lose, so it is pumping up it's efforts to deceive and distort truth in my life, and the key is to continue to fight the good fight and hope for a better future.
I am not as bad as my mind tells me I am, and that is good news, because my mind will tell me I am the worst person on earth literally, whilst giving to others. It's insane to say someone is "the worst" while they are giving something to someone else, so I can say with confidence I am a disabled person who thinks incorrectly, and have no problem admitting or accepting that. Society is a horrible judge when it comes to bottom line truths, just look at the justice system in any Country, and when society hears me say I am disabled and wrong fundamentally, they instantly with love try to get me to think otherwise. If I believe them I then frustrate myself further by trying to fit a square peg in a round whole, so the best move sometimes is to ignore society, but help them in the process, because I am dealing with a killer called alcoholism and addiction and the dark side is cool for a while until it kills you. It's not so cool if it ends up killing you. Cool is not killing something. That is actually very "un-cool." I will say I have dropped value in being cool, and I'd rather be peaceful than cool, however I still piss others off, I still give bad information, I still want to dominate women in bed, and I still want to show the world how important I am while they keep responding "no you are not!"
My goals of cost cutting, swift execution, capturing details, identifying voids, capitalizing on opportunity financially, and making a name for myself are going to have to take a backseat to battling and going to war with this resentment and this fear. The resentment I have in general is not helping other people, however the resentment, which my mind is creating, is being created by me, so I am the problem, I am not helping other people, I am not cool with being a problem, but I am a problem, so maybe it is not about being cool, maybe it is about being uncool and finding a solution that makes me not think if terms of cool or not?
I can hear them now, "you think too much!" I have to think because I am blocking myself off from God with all the resentment, the over-confidence, the ungratefulness, the fear, the guilt, the remorse, I am not opening myself up to produce spirit, I have become the dark lord again, I have become the dark boy you cannot trust or give good information to, and that makes me create a war due to my entitlement issues, and I think I have the right to be free and an anarchist in this regard, because I have a general lack of believe that God can and will eliminate this problem.
So I have a solution, I can believe that God can fix this problem, and then I can decide to allow him to do so, but furthermore I can just accept that he will and give myself a break.
Life won't be important if I can't function, and I can't function currently because of my resentment, it's the same with Congress, we can't function because we resent each other as democrats and republicans. It's all about solving the resentment, and the resentment is coming from selfish fundamentals, and all I have is those fundamentals, so I need a miracle, I need a higher power to change those fundamentals, which seems impossible if it look at it rationally, but have to believe it can be done so I can move on and grow.
I can either believe and live, or I cannot believe and die. Nobody is going to make me believe or die, my function will make me die if I don't believe it can be changed by something other than myself called a higher power. It sounds glum and negative, but it is actually very positive, there is a solution and it is called God and this is all for the glory of God and this is all for the benefit for everyone else, including me. This whole process is for the better of the whole. This is great. I welcome this pain, if the pain is going to add gain for everyone else, including me, therefore eventually making us less painful, sign me up, however I can't promise I'll have the perfect reaction to the pain, in fact my track record has shown I snap perfectly if the pain becomes too great, and I bring real pain then, and if I have to bring pain, then that is God forcing me to do so, maybe God wants me to be like him and bring pain? I have no clue, if I had a choice I'd rather bring love, but I would rather bring love just to be cool and loved, not because I actually want to bring love, I want to bring pain, and that is a problem, and I am a problem, so not bringing pain today is the course I am going to take to honor God and hope he will like that.
I just want to please God, but I can't, and I know it is in his plan for me not to please him, and it is a tough pill to swallow, and really only for a select few people to fully comprehend, so I digress and will continue to pray.
Have a good day.
Resentment is driving this train though, and it is making me exhausted. For instance I am contemplating not eating, I am making purchases just to feel good about myself in materialistic manners, I am demeaning people, I am hating people, I am bragging subtly, I am acting out, I am trying to fix the pain of frustration on my own.
I have to depend on God, however by acting out I am blocking myself off from God because the particular acting out I do produces anger and then leads to fear. The acting out also births shame, and guilt, and confusion is the result because I don't know if I should be angry, fearful, guilty, or shame driven, because I am not actually doing the acting out, I am just fantasizing it and watching it in fantasy production.
It is bringing a negative consequence, it is making me more secretive and making me less appreciative of others outside of what they offer sexually. I can say I am powerless over acting out, I can say it is making life unmanagable, however I am stuck at the God restoring me to sanity today, and it might be from the acting out directly. I am resentful because I was born to act out, but this world's God punishes for acting out, and that seems out of date for some reason, and that is the problem. I am pissed because doctrine has prevented sexual liberation, and I am not aware that it might be for my own good because my sexual appetite might not have a limit.
I know in reference to my alcohol and drug addiction I had no limits, almost died many times, collapsed in the shower after one line of cocaine once, almost choked on my own vomit when I was younger, got T-boned once with weed in my system allowing me to make an irrational decision. Then on top of all that I have a mind that tells me there is no problem.
It is a problem for anyone if I have a mind that thinks there is no limit to sexual pleasure. That is a major problem, and therefore I am a major problem, and with that knowledge I will continue to fight the good fight, if I end up having sex with one of the young women (or older women) where I live life daily, then so be it, I'm not a complete monster, I do appreciate being gentle and intimacy.
Most people don't have this much trouble with sex and don't spend this much time thinking about it, but I do, and it has it's pros and cons, however it has entered into a phase where it is taking more than giving, and as an addict that is not a good recipe for success. I cannot function in the realm of taking, I have to function in the realm of giving, if I take I die, if I give I live, it's that easy. However with this information my disease and "the dark side" knows it will lose, so it is pumping up it's efforts to deceive and distort truth in my life, and the key is to continue to fight the good fight and hope for a better future.
I am not as bad as my mind tells me I am, and that is good news, because my mind will tell me I am the worst person on earth literally, whilst giving to others. It's insane to say someone is "the worst" while they are giving something to someone else, so I can say with confidence I am a disabled person who thinks incorrectly, and have no problem admitting or accepting that. Society is a horrible judge when it comes to bottom line truths, just look at the justice system in any Country, and when society hears me say I am disabled and wrong fundamentally, they instantly with love try to get me to think otherwise. If I believe them I then frustrate myself further by trying to fit a square peg in a round whole, so the best move sometimes is to ignore society, but help them in the process, because I am dealing with a killer called alcoholism and addiction and the dark side is cool for a while until it kills you. It's not so cool if it ends up killing you. Cool is not killing something. That is actually very "un-cool." I will say I have dropped value in being cool, and I'd rather be peaceful than cool, however I still piss others off, I still give bad information, I still want to dominate women in bed, and I still want to show the world how important I am while they keep responding "no you are not!"
My goals of cost cutting, swift execution, capturing details, identifying voids, capitalizing on opportunity financially, and making a name for myself are going to have to take a backseat to battling and going to war with this resentment and this fear. The resentment I have in general is not helping other people, however the resentment, which my mind is creating, is being created by me, so I am the problem, I am not helping other people, I am not cool with being a problem, but I am a problem, so maybe it is not about being cool, maybe it is about being uncool and finding a solution that makes me not think if terms of cool or not?
I can hear them now, "you think too much!" I have to think because I am blocking myself off from God with all the resentment, the over-confidence, the ungratefulness, the fear, the guilt, the remorse, I am not opening myself up to produce spirit, I have become the dark lord again, I have become the dark boy you cannot trust or give good information to, and that makes me create a war due to my entitlement issues, and I think I have the right to be free and an anarchist in this regard, because I have a general lack of believe that God can and will eliminate this problem.
So I have a solution, I can believe that God can fix this problem, and then I can decide to allow him to do so, but furthermore I can just accept that he will and give myself a break.
Life won't be important if I can't function, and I can't function currently because of my resentment, it's the same with Congress, we can't function because we resent each other as democrats and republicans. It's all about solving the resentment, and the resentment is coming from selfish fundamentals, and all I have is those fundamentals, so I need a miracle, I need a higher power to change those fundamentals, which seems impossible if it look at it rationally, but have to believe it can be done so I can move on and grow.
I can either believe and live, or I cannot believe and die. Nobody is going to make me believe or die, my function will make me die if I don't believe it can be changed by something other than myself called a higher power. It sounds glum and negative, but it is actually very positive, there is a solution and it is called God and this is all for the glory of God and this is all for the benefit for everyone else, including me. This whole process is for the better of the whole. This is great. I welcome this pain, if the pain is going to add gain for everyone else, including me, therefore eventually making us less painful, sign me up, however I can't promise I'll have the perfect reaction to the pain, in fact my track record has shown I snap perfectly if the pain becomes too great, and I bring real pain then, and if I have to bring pain, then that is God forcing me to do so, maybe God wants me to be like him and bring pain? I have no clue, if I had a choice I'd rather bring love, but I would rather bring love just to be cool and loved, not because I actually want to bring love, I want to bring pain, and that is a problem, and I am a problem, so not bringing pain today is the course I am going to take to honor God and hope he will like that.
I just want to please God, but I can't, and I know it is in his plan for me not to please him, and it is a tough pill to swallow, and really only for a select few people to fully comprehend, so I digress and will continue to pray.
Have a good day.
Replies