Day 9
Yesterday was a trying day. After a great amount of frustration and then a few hours of despair, I was given the solution to my problem. The problem was I was using the force of resentment to solve my problems, and that was a problem. I am being a problem again, the direct opposite of my ninth step amends for society, and I am glad I caught it before it blossomed into something very dangerous.
I also am functioning in a state of guilt and remorse. I haven't dealt with my guilt and remorse and I think ignoring it will solve the problem. Again, my thinking is the problem and it has caused problems in the past couple of days. A further problem is I thought it was everything outside of me that was the problem. I identified I had a poor attitude, was ungrateful, fell back into delusion, wasn't willing to let go of unrealistic fantasy, was in self-pity from frustration, and now am looking for ways out of the pain.
The solution is being more spiritual and God centered, although my fears are trying to convince me I am not capable of experiencing God's will or a God centered life.
I have some things to be grateful for, I have transportation, I can support myself, I have a way to earn income, I have an avenue to be educated, I am not a complete monster now that I've found the root of the problem, I am allowing myself the grace of humility. I don't have a terminal illness, I am relatively stable, I don't have to cause fights or draw attention to myself, I don't have to choose to become angry, I have clothes, I have the ability to buy things that can provide comfort, I don't hate as much as I used to, I am appreciating the unknown and keeping an open mind. Yesterday I wasn't in this mind frame, so I was believing everything was lost, it was a bad day.
I am depending on myself to get the job done and run the show, and it isn't working, I am falling back into selfishness, and am being self-serving, and generating wrath, and it's not cool, and hurts a whole lot.
I am inviting rebellion into my life, I have a dark inception of everything, I am functioning in defect, and it is creating problems.
Here is what the 12 steps have taught me. As far as my powerless, I am admitting the only option is surrender to this beast. By surrendering to the insanity it provides an outlet to let God enter. When I recognize God entering, I then can decide to turn my will and my life over to his care, providing a way out of the madness. Once I see there is a way out of the insanity, I can then identify what is driving the insanity. In this case a resentment of people, places, and things were driving the problem. This resentment was kick started by fear, fear that I won't have women to take care of and treat well. If I don't do good in what I do daily, then I won't earn, and if I don't earn, I can't be accepted by the women I find sexually attractive, upper class women who come from good families. The dishonesty is I have never gotten along with women like that and find the company of women who came from "bad" families more enjoyable, so there was major dishonesty. The real truth is I have a false belief that if a woman came from a good family, that woman has good genes, therefore the ability to make lots of little kings for my "kingdom", therefore broadening my dominance and importance on this planet. So I am just in the mind frame of using someone, not making someone's life better.
Now that I've admitted the truth, and also let me say the guilt deep down inside knowing that I have that agenda towards God's children, is what is also killing me. That guilt leads to shame because my thoughts automatically remind me of that guilt, mostly visually from porn use, and so it is a cycle of powerful guilt and needless shame.
Now that I've admitted to myself and others the real problems, I can now avail myself to the reality that God is going to create situations that make me "entirely ready" to have all the defects of selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, fear, and inconsideration removed. That is going to take real experiences of pain and clarity I know from experience, but I also have the humility or the willingness to accept the humility that makes the experiences not anxiety incorporating.
Now that I've done those sixth and seventh steps, I am also willing to right the wrong. I have to change my attitude, I have to not want to conquer, I have to not want to use people, I have to not be a problem for others. Most of this stems from desire, it is my desire of something that doesn't want me. I understand that something doesn't want me, and it hurts, due to my own desire not being fulfilled, however I will feel even more like crap if that desired thing were to lose it's own desire just to please my desire. I wish I had the power to accept my dream will never be a reality, however by doing these steps I open the door for God to bring the power to me, as a gift, and then I can experience the life and desire he wants me to have, not my own. My own desire would make another miserable, and that is a problem, even though it would bring me joy, so I have to do the right thing and be an honest man, and take the loss with some class and dignity.
Even though I got sick again, from a hibernating resentment stemming from a tenet of society, I have been doing a whole lot of good when it comes to spreading the wealth. I've been paying way above market value for most of the products I purchase, a gift to the market I am happy to provide, and I also have been off the charts with my charity and generosity. Found 20 bucks on the ground yesterday and gave it to a complete stranger without hesitation. That was awesome, I have to admit, it's almost like some invisible Angel laid it there on the ground perfectly crisp for me to see, it was too awesome to not have been an opportunity from God.
The customer service I've been receiving has been sub par, however I've not been making a big deal out of it and just letting it go.
Well that is enough for today.
Have a great day.
I also am functioning in a state of guilt and remorse. I haven't dealt with my guilt and remorse and I think ignoring it will solve the problem. Again, my thinking is the problem and it has caused problems in the past couple of days. A further problem is I thought it was everything outside of me that was the problem. I identified I had a poor attitude, was ungrateful, fell back into delusion, wasn't willing to let go of unrealistic fantasy, was in self-pity from frustration, and now am looking for ways out of the pain.
The solution is being more spiritual and God centered, although my fears are trying to convince me I am not capable of experiencing God's will or a God centered life.
I have some things to be grateful for, I have transportation, I can support myself, I have a way to earn income, I have an avenue to be educated, I am not a complete monster now that I've found the root of the problem, I am allowing myself the grace of humility. I don't have a terminal illness, I am relatively stable, I don't have to cause fights or draw attention to myself, I don't have to choose to become angry, I have clothes, I have the ability to buy things that can provide comfort, I don't hate as much as I used to, I am appreciating the unknown and keeping an open mind. Yesterday I wasn't in this mind frame, so I was believing everything was lost, it was a bad day.
I am depending on myself to get the job done and run the show, and it isn't working, I am falling back into selfishness, and am being self-serving, and generating wrath, and it's not cool, and hurts a whole lot.
I am inviting rebellion into my life, I have a dark inception of everything, I am functioning in defect, and it is creating problems.
Here is what the 12 steps have taught me. As far as my powerless, I am admitting the only option is surrender to this beast. By surrendering to the insanity it provides an outlet to let God enter. When I recognize God entering, I then can decide to turn my will and my life over to his care, providing a way out of the madness. Once I see there is a way out of the insanity, I can then identify what is driving the insanity. In this case a resentment of people, places, and things were driving the problem. This resentment was kick started by fear, fear that I won't have women to take care of and treat well. If I don't do good in what I do daily, then I won't earn, and if I don't earn, I can't be accepted by the women I find sexually attractive, upper class women who come from good families. The dishonesty is I have never gotten along with women like that and find the company of women who came from "bad" families more enjoyable, so there was major dishonesty. The real truth is I have a false belief that if a woman came from a good family, that woman has good genes, therefore the ability to make lots of little kings for my "kingdom", therefore broadening my dominance and importance on this planet. So I am just in the mind frame of using someone, not making someone's life better.
Now that I've admitted the truth, and also let me say the guilt deep down inside knowing that I have that agenda towards God's children, is what is also killing me. That guilt leads to shame because my thoughts automatically remind me of that guilt, mostly visually from porn use, and so it is a cycle of powerful guilt and needless shame.
Now that I've admitted to myself and others the real problems, I can now avail myself to the reality that God is going to create situations that make me "entirely ready" to have all the defects of selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, fear, and inconsideration removed. That is going to take real experiences of pain and clarity I know from experience, but I also have the humility or the willingness to accept the humility that makes the experiences not anxiety incorporating.
Now that I've done those sixth and seventh steps, I am also willing to right the wrong. I have to change my attitude, I have to not want to conquer, I have to not want to use people, I have to not be a problem for others. Most of this stems from desire, it is my desire of something that doesn't want me. I understand that something doesn't want me, and it hurts, due to my own desire not being fulfilled, however I will feel even more like crap if that desired thing were to lose it's own desire just to please my desire. I wish I had the power to accept my dream will never be a reality, however by doing these steps I open the door for God to bring the power to me, as a gift, and then I can experience the life and desire he wants me to have, not my own. My own desire would make another miserable, and that is a problem, even though it would bring me joy, so I have to do the right thing and be an honest man, and take the loss with some class and dignity.
Even though I got sick again, from a hibernating resentment stemming from a tenet of society, I have been doing a whole lot of good when it comes to spreading the wealth. I've been paying way above market value for most of the products I purchase, a gift to the market I am happy to provide, and I also have been off the charts with my charity and generosity. Found 20 bucks on the ground yesterday and gave it to a complete stranger without hesitation. That was awesome, I have to admit, it's almost like some invisible Angel laid it there on the ground perfectly crisp for me to see, it was too awesome to not have been an opportunity from God.
The customer service I've been receiving has been sub par, however I've not been making a big deal out of it and just letting it go.
Well that is enough for today.
Have a great day.
Replies