Day 8
Time is flying by. I feel like I never have enough time to get the things I need to get done, done. Should I not trust this feeling? Maybe the things I think I need to get done aren't getting done because they weren't in my plan to get the things done in the first place? I've realized that if I flunk out of college again, it won't be the end of the world. However I don't plan on flunking out of college, and if it takes longer than anticipated, so be it.
I am in surrender mode today. My alcoholism illness and my drug addiction illness are dormant and tame. My sexual addiction, masturbating to pornography depicting fantasy, is alive and kicking. I've come to the conclusion that I really like to see women get what they want, and I don't care if it is bad for me. How could seeing a woman get what she wants be bad? I don't get it, if the women want to experience dark and playful fantasies how is that bad for either me or them? If I got no physical gratification out of it, I'd still enjoy seeing someone else fulfill a desire they cannot contain or ignore.
I'm good with "that is me" and it makes me more confident. The business world and the money makers keep trying to get me to be more "confident" in approach and presence, only because I have a presence naturally for some odd reason self-hatred won't let me recognize, but I have no desire internally to be confident for the business world or the money makers. In both those worlds you either can or can't do something so it doesn't matter how much confidence you show, it's about how much you do or don't do. A gimp could be producing at a high level, babble of his or her words, and still get results. I get what they are saying, plus they just want to use me for marketing purposes, so can you blame me for not buying into the bullshit. Now they might really want to see me get my own desires outside the realm of love, intimacy, and sexual activity, but that really is all that is important to me. Life is not worth paying attention to if sex, love, and intimacy aren't included.
I know how to spend and manage money like a true and honest capitalist, I have no problem being a capitalist and enjoy it very much, and also I do think money adds to a person's life. With all that being said what good is money if you can't share it with someone or support another with it? What good will I be if I am just a walking bank account who throws money at people who don't get it in my opinion?
I am hating myself whilst earning, not because I am earning, but because I am blaming myself for not availing myself the possibility to share it with others. I share it with the common man but I want to share it with someone I can obsess about, and that is a problem. Who wants to be the object of obsession? Have you seen that movie with Beyonce and Idris Elba I think his name is? Maybe it's the other guy, both black men who I see as great role models, Morris Chestnut I think his name is. It's either Morris Chestnut or Idris Elba, but they are essentially stalked by Ali Landry (the blonde heathen Goddess) and man that shit gets fucked up along the way. I don't want to be an Ali Landry, crazy as hell just looking for love underneath it all. So I focus on money, then when getting or earning money becomes shaky or inconsistent, I resort to focused thought on sex, and it works for a while, but it takes me away from what I really want and that is to be special to women that I love at first sight. An impossible recipe, and that is why I am fucked, because I still think it could be a reality. Much like me being an employee of high office in our government, I might as well just incorporate my name right now and sign an oath to the IRS I will give them 50% to leave me alone til I am ushered into the next world, or repeat this life again.
I would have no problem repeating this life again actually, I've had a really good life, even with all the pain and anguish, it really is the ultimate privilege to be born American. I was born American, I've won in my opinion already, so all the rest is just attribute that makes that central fact even more appreciative. I don't have to worry about being a refugee, if some delusional fucks did plan on stepping inside these boundaries to receive the ass kicking of a life time from the most expensive defense department in history, that's on them, not me, I'd rather just tell them to focus on something else more productive than self-induced humiliation honestly for their own good.
As far as a setting I am extremely blessed to be American, America is the greatest Country and that is not meant to be an insult or offensive to the others, it is just the truth. If you can't beat us might as well join us, then you'll see we really weren't the monster or bad guy people say we are. We are actually the best person on the whole scale of interpretation, and if you can't see that I feel sorry for you, but at the same time my hand won't pull back after it's extension initially to help you. You want to hate me for trying to help you? That's a problem, but no my problem, it's your problem, because I will continue to extend the hand, you're reaction to that extension bears no weight on what I do in regards to always extending the hand in the name of "the right thing to do."
I will be right, like it or not, and I won't even say you are wrong for not liking that I will always be right, I just won't hate myself anymore for it. I've been hating myself, because people have been hating me, usually for no good reason other than their own personal freedom to do so, and it's been affecting me greatly, because I had an agenda to have everyone like me, but now I see half these fucks are going to hate regardless of anything good or great going on, so I am going to focus on women and what they want and need. If anyone is going to hate me for no good reason, other than I am an asshole just because I have balls and a penis, I would prefer it to be women, that way I can show them without telling them I place them before anything else, usually. Now I'm a manipulator and an average actor, so it would be a hard sell convincing all of what I just said, but if you got me one on one and there was no record, you'd say I am completely invested in women's interest before my own or man's. This is where all my addictions start a war with me, they all need and react from a selfish standpoint that they will be abandoned, so they do their own manipulating and persuading to enable me to believe I do not love women and need to compete with them to the point of victory. What has that recipe left me, sexless and loveless, a complete animal with an attitude of "fuck everybody", very immature and probably the antagonist when it comes to the personification of production.
Do I need a girlfriend? I wouldn't go that far, besides my ego is correcting my grammar to read "girlfriends." I am greedy to the T, whatever that means, mostly it just sounded good, however I am very greedy, and I am talented enough where I could manage probably around 10 to 20 women successfully because I do have the sensitivity factor and believe in giving women lots of freedom and decision making power, however what dignity is there in being a major player or conqueror with concubines? Trust me, I have the chemistry on the inside from birth to be the conqueror with concubines, and strangely have no guilt with the reality that I could probably take a women away from her significant others to her improvement and enjoyment, but with that being said, conquering and having concubines is kind of some wack shit. I got way more respect for guys who stay with one woman for 50 or so years. I got even more respect for guys who stay with that woman even though deep down inside they would benefit from something else. I think that is what a real man is, guys like me who are so selfish we drop em if they get too this way or that way, are the real losers when it comes to relationships with women, my opinion. I am not a winner in the ladies department, I am a loser, and yes I some how attract women without even trying as a constant, but I can't please none of them, mostly because I am too selfish when it comes to changing, and I don't want to change because I have become comfortable being selfish, and that is mostly the main problem. I am comfortable being selfish because it is a great way not to get hurt as a defense mechanism, however when a person realizes they are hurting people automatically by just being selfish, there is no excuse to change, you are just an evil person if you know the affect of hurting people by being selfish, but you refuse to do it. I have been that evil person before, and got no one but multiple ass kickings spiritually and psychologically dialy, and it loses it's cool factor over time, and then the shit hits the fan, and you can either get some paper towels or you can let that shit stay on you, making you smell like shit, and then the flies come and you're fucked forever.
So today I am going to not hate myself for hating myself for not being a one woman man and a potentially good husband and probably an eternal bachelor. Someone has to be the example of who not to date or marry! LOL.
Well I've got to go, there is a plethora of bullshit I have to practice ignoring today in the "real world" that needs to be attended to.
Have a great day.
I am in surrender mode today. My alcoholism illness and my drug addiction illness are dormant and tame. My sexual addiction, masturbating to pornography depicting fantasy, is alive and kicking. I've come to the conclusion that I really like to see women get what they want, and I don't care if it is bad for me. How could seeing a woman get what she wants be bad? I don't get it, if the women want to experience dark and playful fantasies how is that bad for either me or them? If I got no physical gratification out of it, I'd still enjoy seeing someone else fulfill a desire they cannot contain or ignore.
I'm good with "that is me" and it makes me more confident. The business world and the money makers keep trying to get me to be more "confident" in approach and presence, only because I have a presence naturally for some odd reason self-hatred won't let me recognize, but I have no desire internally to be confident for the business world or the money makers. In both those worlds you either can or can't do something so it doesn't matter how much confidence you show, it's about how much you do or don't do. A gimp could be producing at a high level, babble of his or her words, and still get results. I get what they are saying, plus they just want to use me for marketing purposes, so can you blame me for not buying into the bullshit. Now they might really want to see me get my own desires outside the realm of love, intimacy, and sexual activity, but that really is all that is important to me. Life is not worth paying attention to if sex, love, and intimacy aren't included.
I know how to spend and manage money like a true and honest capitalist, I have no problem being a capitalist and enjoy it very much, and also I do think money adds to a person's life. With all that being said what good is money if you can't share it with someone or support another with it? What good will I be if I am just a walking bank account who throws money at people who don't get it in my opinion?
I am hating myself whilst earning, not because I am earning, but because I am blaming myself for not availing myself the possibility to share it with others. I share it with the common man but I want to share it with someone I can obsess about, and that is a problem. Who wants to be the object of obsession? Have you seen that movie with Beyonce and Idris Elba I think his name is? Maybe it's the other guy, both black men who I see as great role models, Morris Chestnut I think his name is. It's either Morris Chestnut or Idris Elba, but they are essentially stalked by Ali Landry (the blonde heathen Goddess) and man that shit gets fucked up along the way. I don't want to be an Ali Landry, crazy as hell just looking for love underneath it all. So I focus on money, then when getting or earning money becomes shaky or inconsistent, I resort to focused thought on sex, and it works for a while, but it takes me away from what I really want and that is to be special to women that I love at first sight. An impossible recipe, and that is why I am fucked, because I still think it could be a reality. Much like me being an employee of high office in our government, I might as well just incorporate my name right now and sign an oath to the IRS I will give them 50% to leave me alone til I am ushered into the next world, or repeat this life again.
I would have no problem repeating this life again actually, I've had a really good life, even with all the pain and anguish, it really is the ultimate privilege to be born American. I was born American, I've won in my opinion already, so all the rest is just attribute that makes that central fact even more appreciative. I don't have to worry about being a refugee, if some delusional fucks did plan on stepping inside these boundaries to receive the ass kicking of a life time from the most expensive defense department in history, that's on them, not me, I'd rather just tell them to focus on something else more productive than self-induced humiliation honestly for their own good.
As far as a setting I am extremely blessed to be American, America is the greatest Country and that is not meant to be an insult or offensive to the others, it is just the truth. If you can't beat us might as well join us, then you'll see we really weren't the monster or bad guy people say we are. We are actually the best person on the whole scale of interpretation, and if you can't see that I feel sorry for you, but at the same time my hand won't pull back after it's extension initially to help you. You want to hate me for trying to help you? That's a problem, but no my problem, it's your problem, because I will continue to extend the hand, you're reaction to that extension bears no weight on what I do in regards to always extending the hand in the name of "the right thing to do."
I will be right, like it or not, and I won't even say you are wrong for not liking that I will always be right, I just won't hate myself anymore for it. I've been hating myself, because people have been hating me, usually for no good reason other than their own personal freedom to do so, and it's been affecting me greatly, because I had an agenda to have everyone like me, but now I see half these fucks are going to hate regardless of anything good or great going on, so I am going to focus on women and what they want and need. If anyone is going to hate me for no good reason, other than I am an asshole just because I have balls and a penis, I would prefer it to be women, that way I can show them without telling them I place them before anything else, usually. Now I'm a manipulator and an average actor, so it would be a hard sell convincing all of what I just said, but if you got me one on one and there was no record, you'd say I am completely invested in women's interest before my own or man's. This is where all my addictions start a war with me, they all need and react from a selfish standpoint that they will be abandoned, so they do their own manipulating and persuading to enable me to believe I do not love women and need to compete with them to the point of victory. What has that recipe left me, sexless and loveless, a complete animal with an attitude of "fuck everybody", very immature and probably the antagonist when it comes to the personification of production.
Do I need a girlfriend? I wouldn't go that far, besides my ego is correcting my grammar to read "girlfriends." I am greedy to the T, whatever that means, mostly it just sounded good, however I am very greedy, and I am talented enough where I could manage probably around 10 to 20 women successfully because I do have the sensitivity factor and believe in giving women lots of freedom and decision making power, however what dignity is there in being a major player or conqueror with concubines? Trust me, I have the chemistry on the inside from birth to be the conqueror with concubines, and strangely have no guilt with the reality that I could probably take a women away from her significant others to her improvement and enjoyment, but with that being said, conquering and having concubines is kind of some wack shit. I got way more respect for guys who stay with one woman for 50 or so years. I got even more respect for guys who stay with that woman even though deep down inside they would benefit from something else. I think that is what a real man is, guys like me who are so selfish we drop em if they get too this way or that way, are the real losers when it comes to relationships with women, my opinion. I am not a winner in the ladies department, I am a loser, and yes I some how attract women without even trying as a constant, but I can't please none of them, mostly because I am too selfish when it comes to changing, and I don't want to change because I have become comfortable being selfish, and that is mostly the main problem. I am comfortable being selfish because it is a great way not to get hurt as a defense mechanism, however when a person realizes they are hurting people automatically by just being selfish, there is no excuse to change, you are just an evil person if you know the affect of hurting people by being selfish, but you refuse to do it. I have been that evil person before, and got no one but multiple ass kickings spiritually and psychologically dialy, and it loses it's cool factor over time, and then the shit hits the fan, and you can either get some paper towels or you can let that shit stay on you, making you smell like shit, and then the flies come and you're fucked forever.
So today I am going to not hate myself for hating myself for not being a one woman man and a potentially good husband and probably an eternal bachelor. Someone has to be the example of who not to date or marry! LOL.
Well I've got to go, there is a plethora of bullshit I have to practice ignoring today in the "real world" that needs to be attended to.
Have a great day.
Replies